Who can I trust?

One of the hardest and most traumatizing parts of the affair is that the Other Woman was one of my good friends from the ward and neighborhood.  I TRUSTED HER.  I was only there to help her and be her friend and this is how she repaid me. I mean, I don't expect things in return for being someone's friend, but I do expect you to not betray me!!  Is that too hard to ask????? 

I want to share the events that happened the week that I found out.  It was a Sunday when I really KNEW something was off with my husband and I decided I might have to follow him the next time he goes out.  It was Monday when SHE told her husband everything.  It was Tuesday that I got an email from her canceling a big event that they were going to hold at their house in a couple weeks.  When I got that email, I knew something BIG had to have happened for her to cancel her event.  I started talking to my husband about how I think HER husband might have had an affair or something and that I was going to try to make her a treat and go over and see if she needs to talk.  I talked about this with my husband for days before he finally told me the truth about what had happened.   

I was going to take her freaking COOKIES!!!!!  And all the while she was sneaking around with my husband behind my back.  So where does that leave me?  Well, it certainly makes me question who I can trust.  I have several friends in the same ward and neighborhood and I've known them all for the same amount of time that I knew HER.  So this whole ordeal has put all of those relationships into question and made me think that I don't want to be friends with ANYONE in this damn neighborhood!!! No one is REALLY my friend, right???? 

I came across this quote:

And it's true.  I DO have some real friends.  Friends that I've had for many many years and I can know for certain that there is not one of them that would ever do something like this to me.  And so I should appreciate and nurture THOSE friendships and not think that I need to be friends with everyone in the neighborhood.

So my advice to all of you out there?  Have your handful of REAL friends and focus on those relationships.   You can wave and smile and make small talk with others, but never feel pressured into inviting them into your personal circle.  It's not worth it.

 

Boundaries

Look, we are all going to make mistakes.  And some of them will happen whether we are careful or not, but I feel like it doesn't hurt to have boundaries. 

bound·a·ry

/ˈbaʊndəri, -dri/ Show Spell[boun-duh-ree, -dree]  

noun, plural bound·a·ries.

1. something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line.

 

 

We set them with our kids.  Don't walk alone after dark, don't communicate online with people you don't know, or don't talk to strangers.  WHY do we set boundaries for them?  Because we want to keep them SAFE!!!!  

 

So shouldn't we treat our marriage the same way?  Shouldn't we safeguard it against the things that might sneak up on us and threaten the bond we have as husband and wife?  

 

Now that I've witnessed how incredibly HARMFUL a seemingly unharmful text can be, one new boundary is that I communicate with the women and my husband can communicate with the men.  I've had girlfriends text us both at the same time and ask a question.  So in those situations I will answer for the both of us and vice versa. Why even put the opposite sex in your phone?? Just don't give yourself that opening.  And don't think you are above it all and that you would NEVER begin an emotional affair.  A very high percentage of people involved in emotional affairs will say that they never MEANT for it to happen.  It started casually and they got carried away.  So WHY EVEN PUT YOURSELF IN THAT POSITION TO BEGIN WITH???? 

 

It's my belief  that

MEN AND WOMAN CAN NOT BE FRIENDS

 

I know there are probably a lot of people out there that will disagree with this and that's fine, but I speak from experience. 

 

I think we can be friends as couples.  But in no way, shape or form should my husband be communicating on his own with any of the women we are friends with.  I don't care how casual the subject matter.  There is NO reason for it.  And no exceptions. That's all.

Thankful Thursdays

I admit that this is REALLY cheesy to list what I'm THankful for on THursdays.  But you're going to have to get over it because I am a nerd.  There, I've come out of the closet. 

 

I've had a lot of depression since finding out about the affair and I've had a hard time finding the good in my life.  There have been studies that show that gratitude can be an antidepressant.  Check out the following article for more info on that : http://www.rodale.com/happiness-gratitude-and-depression?page=0,0

 

I have heard this before.  And of course we learn in church how much our spirits can be boosted by keeping in mind the things that you are thankful for.  But I have never been good at it!!!  Yes, I know am grateful for many things, but apparently it helps to literally write them down.  So I'm going to try hard and do this at least once a week. 

 

Ok, so I'm going to try to start small and list at least 5 things that I am grateful for in this moment:

 

1.  A nice home to live in (since I spend a LOT more time here since the affair)

2.  Freedom of speech (this blog has saved me...a way to vent and get out my feelings!)

3.  Good health (I sometimes feel silly for complaining about my trials.  My family is healthy and no one has died.  I wish my gratefulness for this could overtake my grief, anger and sadness over the affair)

4.  The sunshine (good to see the sun today after a bitter winter)

5. Netflix (ok, this one is lame, but seriously I carry my kindle around with me and watch shows while I do my housework.  It helps keep my mind off of everything and lets me escape into someone else's world.  I don't care if it's not a real one)

 

This really must be something that needs to be practiced because I am exhausted.  I thought I might be able to list more, but I'm done now.  Maybe I'll have a better time with it next week. 

I'm sorry Justin Beiber...

 

I can't completely explain, but Justin Beiber's song "Boyfriend" is one of my triggers for the affair.  Lucky for me, it hasn't really been played on the radio anymore, and even if it is, I can easily change the radio station.  But of course today, as I'm standing in the middle of Walmart doing my shopping, the blasted song begins to play.  I heard those "whale sounds" (what IS that noise?) and I thought, "crap!".

 

Being seven months after the affair, the triggers don't hit me AS strong.  But in that moment, my heart still sped up, my stomach started to get in a knot and I wanted to yell at someone to change the damn song.  I had the urge to get the heck out of there, but figured the song would probably be over by the time I got out of the store, so what did I do?

 

LITERALLY PLUGGED MY EARS AND HUMMED TO MYSELF!!

 

I don't care how ridiculous I looked.

  

It's actually kind of sad because I liked that song.  I'm sorry Justin Beiber, because of the other woman, I now despise this song.  Such a shame.

Downton Abbey

My husband and I have finally joined the Downton Abbey craze.  I'm actually quite surprised it took me this long, seeing how much I love Pride and Prejudice!  But I always seem to be a little late with new fads.  I don't think I started reading Harry Potter until the seventh book was written! I think it's my reluctance to join in just because everyone else is doing it!  But that's a story for another time.

 

Anyway, we just watched an episode of Downton Abbey where a visiting soldier slept with one of the house maids and got her pregnant and won't take responsibility for his child.  The maid begged the owners of the home to help her convince him to help, but what did they say? That SHE was in the wrong. "Men will always be men, but for any young woman to let her judgment so desert her...." 

 

I know that's sad, but isn't it so true?  I think most of us would expect a married man to have an affair more than a married woman.  I don't know if it's because there's a tendency to think that men just can't help themselves/have no control or they don't THINK about things as much as women or because most have more opportunities (being away from home with jobs, etc). Or maybe it's a mix of all of it.

 

Marriage and motherhood can be frustrating at times and it can feel good to have someone to talk to about it.  As married women, as LDS married women, we UNDERSTAND each other.  We want to be there for each other...sharing recipes, books, advice, etc.   We don't sneak around with each other's husbands. Seriously. That is just wrong.

 

HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME???  We were friends for THREE years.  Of course I have other friends that I have had for 14+ years that I am much closer to, but they don't live nearby, so of course, I made friends with other ladies in the neighborhood.  I have 3 kids, and she has 3, and so we carpooled, babysat each other's kids, had girls night outs, celebrated birthdays, had family gatherings together, went on couple dates, and our families even went camping together!  Our kids liked to play with each other and our husbands even liked to hang out together.  It seemed like we couldn't find better friends!

But then one day, she decided it was OK to sneak around with my husband behind my back!! What the heck?!   She was in our Relief Society Presidency at the time for crying out loud!  (for those that don't know, in the LDS church, it is the leadership over the women and she has since been released)

  

So what I want to know, is what frame of mind does a married woman have to be in to BETRAY her friend and seduce her husband behind her back??!  I mean, this has to be a very flaky, unstable kind of woman, don't you think?

When Life Gives You Lemons....

 Today, we woke up to this :

 

 Sure, it looks beautiful in a photograph, but when it's almost the end of March, I find it depressing.  So when life gave me lemons, I decided to make a lemon cake.  Doesn't your mouth water when you see this moist, bright yellow, glazed deliciousness?  Mine did. And it made me feel better too. 

 

An Untold Story

The first post on a new blog is a little stressful.  It's like the opening number to a live show.  You know what I mean.  The loud music, bright lights, dancers doing flips across the stage.  You might even see some fire.  So you can see how I feel a lot of pressure to produce something awe-inspiring and thought provoking.

I'm not even sure a blog is a good idea.  I don't feel like I'm very good with articulating exactly what I want to get across.  I can never quite decide how I want to say things. 

 Despite my insecurities, I decided to start this blog when I came across the following quote :

And so, here I am, opening myself up to the world because really, I have an untold story.  And I HAVE felt the agony of keeping it inside  I'm just sorry that I have to be anonymous. It gets tricky because the things I'll blog about aren't ONLY mine to share.  You see, my husband had an emotional affair with one of my friends.  And as much as one might think he deserves to be left standing naked in the middle of the town square, it's not fair for me to expose him.  He's sorry for what he did and is trying hard to make up for it.  I still love him and I know that he loves me.  So you can understand that moving forward would be quite hard if our neighbors, friends and family knew the gory heavy details.

After the affair came to light, I disconnected from everything I had going on in my life.  I've even been off of facebook! I know...how could I do such a thing?!  I lost faith in a lot of things.  The biggest ones were probably friends and the way I spent my time.   How could I have been the best friend I could be to HER and she turns around and does this to me?  I am now unsure that ANYONE has been my friend.  And how could I have been so blind to see that my attention has been in the wrong places?  To quote one of my REAL friends, I used to be "someone who was very aware of other people, very creative, very excited about trying new things and meeting new people, and willing to put myself out there and be someone who people could count on".   But the way I see it right now, THAT person put my marriage and my happiness in danger. 

So now that I have so much time on my hands, I've decided to blog about REINVENTING myself.  A "rebirth" so to speak.  If I don't want to be the person I WAS, I've got to figure out who I want to be NOW or I am going to continue to feel LOST.  So be prepared to hear plenty of venting about what I've been through, but I also will share things I've learned about relationships with my husband, kids, family and friends as well as things that just make me happy!  I've had a hard time finding the happiness in life and so I'm hoping this blog will help revive me.  Thanks for listening!