I Am Wounded

As you already know, I watch a lot of Netflix shows as I carry out my household duties.  The latest show I just finished is Private Practice, a spin off of Grey's Anatomy, which I have also finished.  And can I just say....as much as I liked Grey's Anatomy...I really liked Private Practice.  Almost every episode made me tear up.  Very touching stories!

 

 Although, like any TV show, of course many of the situations were quite unrealistic...for example...one of the doctors got pregnant and then one of her patients cut her open and stole her baby.  For doctors, they sure were in the hospital a lot for EACH OTHER, whether heart attacks, accidents, etc...but that's TV for you. 

But there was one particular thing said...

by Addison Montgomery (Kate Walch) said and I had to write it down:

 

"Nobody beat me. 

Nobody tried to steal my baby. 

Nobody stabbed me. 

But I am wounded. 

My heart is broken. 

And I shouldn't even complain about it because nothing HAPPENED to me. 

Not like what happens to other people. 

You know, sometimes I'm almost jealous of them...

cause everybody can SEE their injuries,

So they have a right to be messed up."

 

She said EXACTLY what I have been feeling the last couple years!

Being broken emotionally just doesn't seem the same

as being broken physically.

It almost feels stupid to complain about what I went through.

And I know it's not stupid

But it just feels that way

And no one is going to know what I've gone through unless I tell them

And I'm just not going to tell them

Because as I've said before,

we are trying to get better and work through this

and that will be harder when all our baggage is out in the open.

 

I will say that I have had someone to talk to about it though.

I truly believe you NEED someone else, other than your spouse, to talk to

The whole world doesn't need to know...

But you can and should have at least one other person

that you can tell EVERYTHING to.

I believe it's essential to your healing,

because there were days I feel like I wouldn't have made it through without that person.

 

So if you are going through something,

PLEASE find someone you can lean on.

You are welcome to email me anytime as well!

I started this blog for a reason....

to help people like me.

 

elizabeththomas2013@gmail.com

5 Steps To Overcoming Your Mistakes

{There's this REALLY interesting youtube channel called VSauce. Almost everything he has to say is pretty fascinating.  And he says it in such an interesting way! Go check it out }

A video from VSauce inspired this post.

His video called MISTAKES

 

"(Mistakes) are as much a part of us today

As the stuff we've gotten right"

 

 

I like the metaphor he gives at 6:23

Here is what he says:

"How do you deal with regret?
Guilt? 

Can you?

Stuff in your past is like a carving on the bark of a sapling

Over time the scar, the carving, won't go away

Because of the way trees grow, it won't go up and down much either

It'll just stay right where it began.

It might even get darker,

but it won't get bigger.

YOU, however

CAN!

You can keep growing

Doing more things, more branches

BE more things!

The wound won't get smaller,

but you can make IT a smaller part of who you are."

Of course, this is easier said than done.

Here are 6 steps to follow
when trying to overcome your mistakes

1. FEEL SOMETHING : Whether it's guilt or regret or shame, it's a good sign..  It means that you recognize that you made a mistake and you feel bad about it. You can't learn from your mistakes if you don't even feel like you made one!  And don't be ashamed of your SHAME.  Don't lie to avoid confronting your shame and guilt.  The people who truly love you in your life will be ready to listen and will still accept you for who you are.  So don't be afraid to feel something and share those feelings!!

2.  ACCEPT IT :  Let go of trying to justify your mistake. Let go of trying to place blame.  No matter who or what led to your decision, it was still YOUR choice. Just accept that you made a mistake.  It's part of life.  We all make them.  Man up and just take responsibility for the mistake that you made and tell yourself that you want to do better. YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN A VALUABLE LIFE LESSON, but you have to first take responsibility.

3. APOLOGIZE : If your mistake affected another person, it is important that you let them know you are sorry.  They may not be ready to forgive you, but the important thing is that they hear you say it. It's the only way to begin to rebuild trust.  If you are religious, this may be the time to get on your knees and ask forgiveness from your Father in Heaven.  He wants to help you through it and take the guilt off of your shoulders.

4. UNDERSTAND & LEARN : Why did the mistake happen? To avoid making the same mistakes, sometimes we learn of a bad habit that we need to break.  Is there something that could have done to avoid the mistake? Maybe you shouldn't have been in a certain place or been with a certain person at all.  Don't let yourself fall into the "What Ifs" so you can start beating yourself up again, but let yourself see how you got into the situation in the first place so that you can LEARN from them.  We need to learn something from our mistakes to be able to view your them as useful stepping stones on our way to a better life. Learning from them will help us lower the risk of repeating them.

5. LIGHTEN UP : Don't be so hard on yourself! Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person.  Making stupid decisions doesn't mean you are a stupid person.  It's the way you handle them that determines what kind of person you are. Let go of PERFECTION and you will feel so much lighter.   Handle your mistakes with grace & maturity (by following all of the above steps) and you will slowly start to be able to forgive yourself and move on. 
 

Feeling crazy like Gatsby

We just recently rented The Great Gatsby.  I read this book in high school, but didn't remember much about it other than I don't think I liked it and thought it was boring.  I really think Baz Lurman brought this book to life on the screen.  He was the director of Moulin Rouge also, and you can tell when you watch.  The styles are similar....eye candy.  LOVED Moulin Rouge. 

 Gatsby said something towards the end of the film that struck me:

"If I can just get back to the start...."

He was obsessed with wiping out the 5 years he had lost with his love Daisy.  But he was not just wanting to start over, he was wanting to pretend those 5 years didn't exist basically.  He kind of seemed like he wasn't right in the head, but I sort of got it.  

How many times have I wished that POOF, all the bad things could be whisked away from my memory and I could be sent back in time to do it all over again.  But do it in a better way of course.  In a way that avoids all the pain and heartache.  So many times I've wished this.  That's all Gatsby wanted.  He just wanted to start over.  

 

Nick Carraway told him: “You can’t repeat the past.”

 

“Can’t repeat the past?” he cried incredulously. “Why of course you can!”

 

And he was dead set on making that happen! haha  Sure, he sounds a little crazy, but that HOPE that you feel from him.  You almost believe him!

 

It's just too bad that he lost everything by being obsessed with this goal. If he had just accepted the past for what it was and let it go, he could have moved forward with the love of his life and lived happily ever after. 

 

So yes, I sometimes feel a little crazy like Gatsby, but I do understand that what is done is done.  It's in the past.  There's no redoing it.  No matter how hard a person tries...the past can't be forgotten. It becomes a part of you. It changes you.  Sometimes for the worse, but hopefully for the better. Accepting this is part of moving on.  It won't make everything better, but it's a start.  

"Bottom line is, marriage is HARD"

Let me start by saying I watch a lot of tv and movies on Netflix.  I work on the computer a lot and I used to like to listen to music while I did that, or while I cleaned the house, but now I like to watch shows.  haha  So I kind of watch whatever jumps out at me, or peaks my curiosity. 

I came upon The Kids Are Alright and I was curious about it mainly because I liked all the actors, but also because it had been nominated for an Oscar for best picture and won the Golden Globe for best picture in 2011. 

 

Honestly... I didn't love it.  It was ok, but I probably won't ever watch it again or recommend it.  I give it a 2.5 out of 5 stars. BUT there were a few "moments" that stood out to me that I wanted to share. 

 

One of the main characters had an affair and everyone in the house was upset with her and giving her the cold shoulder and finally when she couldn't take it anymore, she stands in front of her family and says:

 

"Bottom line is, marriage is hard.  It's really freaking hard.  It's just two people sloggin through the crap, year after year, getting older, changing.  It's a freaking marathon, ok? So sometimes, you know, you're together so long, you stop seeing the other person and just see weird projections of your own junk.  Um, instead of talking to each other, you go off the rails and act grubby and make stupid choices.  Which is what I did, and I feel sick about it because I love you guys, and I love your mom, and that's the truth.  Sometimes you hurt the ones you love the most.  I don't know why."

A few things rang true to me in that speech. 

First, that marriage IS hard.  And anyone who says it isn't is either lying or has amnesia. 

Second, it is just a fact that we are all going to change as the years pass.  We learn, we grow, we become different people almost.  Some more than others.  But this is SO important to realize in a marriage because we don't need to be afraid of changes, but we do need to acknowledge and accept them and figure out how to work around them.

Third, when you are with someone for so long, it's easy to get stuck in the same mundane routine day after day and we start to lose sight of what is important in a marriage.  Yes, the mundane routine is probably unavoidable if you are human.  BUT You don't have to only have vanilla ice cream every single day!  While vanilla ice cream MUST be eaten every day, it doesn't mean you can't throw some different toppings on here and there to spice it up a little! Catch my drift? 

Fourth, the WORST thing you can do when the above three things are happening is to keep your thoughts to yourself.  You must TALK to each other!!  Talk about what's hard.  Talk about the changes you are feeling.  Talk about what's missing from your marriage.  Talking will help you to CONNECT again and to make sure that you don't "go off the rails and make stupid choices."

And lastly, stupid choices are probably inevitable for everyone.  Nobody is perfect.  Nobody knows how to be in a perfect marriage.  For some darned reason, we DO hurt the ones we love the most.  You don't know how many times I've asked myself WHY?!!  WHY would we do such things that break our loved ones in two?  We just do.  So the best we can do is pick ourselves up and keep trying.  Learn from the stupid choices and try your hardest to not let it happen again. 

I did like how the movie ended.  The couple decided to stay together and work on what they had.  Hopefully they were able to learn from their stupid choices and continue to love each other and live life to the fullest and find happiness again.  I think that's what we all hope for ourselves, don't you think?

On a positive note

Again, I'm sorry for being so depressing this last while!

And again, no one is probably listening, but I still feel the need to apologize.

 

Now that I got all that out, I felt the need to let you know that we have come a long way in the last year, my husband and I.

 

One year later I feel like he loves me 100%.

One year later I feel like I love him 100%.

One year later I am finding things that make me happy and trying to focus on them.

One year later I am feeling like my husband and I are better friends than we ever have been our entire marriage.
One year later I feel like we have a deep, emotional connection that we've never had before

One year later I feel like I can turn to my husband for comfort and know he will be there for me.

One year later I feel like I am important, that I am needed, that I am loved

One year later I feel like we actually made it through the hell that we went through
One year later I can say that I'm thankful that we have made it through this.

One year later I can say that I will be loved by this man for the rest of eternity.

 

So things may not be all the way better

But there are plenty of things to be thankful for

I was trying to think what kind of picture I would add to this post

and I thought of a sunrise.

As I searched for one I liked

I remembered one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies of all time

Pride and Prejudice

I wanted to share it with you.

I particulary love the music in the first minute or so

while her love is walking towards her

and I love that throughout the scene the sun is rising.

I'm sorry I'm such a nerd, but here is the scene

Thanks for listening  

Gardening as Therapy?

No, that's not my yard.
I wish!
It's my dream to have a lush and green yard
But we have a newer house and started the yard from scratch
So it's a lot of hard work and not to mention EXPENSIVE
But we were excited to get our yard started when we moved in
And I have spent a lot of time out there over the last few years

 

When the affair happened, I thought I would never work out there again

Since that's what I was doing the morning I found out about the affair

And I felt so stupid that the affair was going on and I didn't even know it

And there I was in lala land working on my yard, trying to get it to look nice to have people over

All the while my husband was sneaking around with one of my good friends from the ward

I was disgusted

With him, with my friend, with myself

And I couldn't get myself to go out back the rest of the summer and the fall

Especially when I can see HER house when I'm out there.
I wanted to keep all the blinds closed and not even look out there
And I did. For a long time.
It was a huge trigger for me

It sucked.  It still sucks.

 

But somehow I got motivated to get out there and work
Spring came and we've had some BEAUTIFUL weather
And I got the itch to start weeding my flower beds and plant my garden

They say gardening is therapeutic.

Maybe that's true
Scientists say that it reduces stress and calms the nerves
Read about it HERE

I talked my husband into buying more trees and shrubs for our backyard

And I planted them in strategic places to try and block the view of HER house

Lucky for me, our next door neighbors also planted some trees that will help

It might take 5-8 years to really help, but it's a start

 

Now I am the nerd that sits out on her patio and admires her work  LOL

I can really tell I'm getting old when I get excited about TREES!

On the nice evenings I like to sit out there

in a spot where HER house is mostly blocked from view

And enjoy this beautiful weather while we have it

 

Although I still will glance over at HER house and cringe
Every. Time. I'm. Out. There.

I just say a little prayer that they will move
And that my trees will grow FAST

PLEASE!!!! 

We can still do things

 

I finally watched this movie.

Thanks to those that recommended it!

I liked it!

At the end of the movie, this was said:

I like this because I relate to it.

I didn't choose to be in the situation I'm in.

Sure, I could have done some things better,

but I didn't choose for my husband to have an affair.

And I didn't choose for that person to be someone I go to church with.

But it is what it is.

I can choose where I go from here.

It might not be what other people think I should choose

Or it might not even be the best choice for myself

But it is me that does the choosing.

 

And I CAN still do things.

For a while there I felt like my life was over

That I wanted to crawl in a hole and die

And I didn't want to DO anything!

Only just to feel sorry for myself and where my life has ended up.

I still have days like that

BUT

I can still DO things

And I can try to feel okay about them.

 

I can work on my yard and garden so that I can sit out there and enjoy spring and summer before it is gone again!

I can organize my house and get things done that I've always wanted to

I can plan fun things to do with my kids

I can spend more time with family

I can have my hobbies and enjoy them

I can make goals for the future

 

But while I CAN do things, there is plenty that I just CAN'T do

I can't go to the parks I know they met at

I can't get back on facebook

I can't involve myself in activities where she might be also

I can't be happy in this ward until she is gone

 

Yes, there are plenty of can'ts

But there IS comfort in knowing that I can still do things

And I can try really hard to feel okay about them.

So that I can feel some happiness again.

8 things to help the healing

There comes a time where the storm is over. 

It seems that the worst of it has past. 

In my situation, my husband came to his senses and realized what a mistake the whole affair was.  He remembered how much he loves me and how utterly sorry he is for the pain he's caused. 

I can feel his tenderness again. 

I can feel his love for me. 

I can say that we are going to be ok. 

I can say that there are many moments where I feel that I am happy again. 

 

But it does not mean that I am fixed.

The hurt is still there.

Underneath it all, it still hurts enough that it can make me cry at any random moment of the day. 

What does this mean?

Is there something wrong with me?

Why can't I feel better?

I have been seeing a therapist for the past 8 months.
 I have read article after article online
I have read books
I have gone to classes
It doesn't make me an expert
But I'd like to share what I've learned
All of this can be applied to most kinds of trauma, not just an affair:

 

 1.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU:  Remember to tell yourself that it is normal to feel the way you are feeling.  Anything less than a year from the affair is still considered early.  The recovery process for successful couples is rarely less than two years. For me, we will have many good moments together, but then I might break down the next day.  This is hard for me to understand, but just knowing that is normal helps me avoid deeper depression about what's going on. 

2.  CRY : I'll be laughing one minute and crying the next.  I'll cry when I do the dishes, when I'm driving to the store or when I'm in the shower.  A day doesn't go by that I don't cry.  Since the affair, I cry less and less, so that gives me hope that one day I won't cry about it anymore.  But for now, I am told that crying HELPS the healing and I need to let myself do it.  Bottling it up inside and trying to be strong will only make it worse.

2. TALK :  I need to be able to talk about what I'm feeling and have support.  Hopefully, it should be the ones that are closest to you. Your husband, a best girlfriend, a family member, or all of the above. Emotional connection is crucial to healing. It calms our nervous system and helps us find balance again, psychologically and emotionally. For several months after the affair, I sunk into depression.  It seemed to get better, but even months after, it would get worse.  And I found it was because I didn't feel the emotional closeness with my husband.  We would try to talk, but he couldn't be there for me emotionally.  Mainly because my emotions would stir up his own feelings of guilt and he hated himself for it.  Unfortunately for us, it actually took counseling to solve this.  For a counselor to see how we interacted and to help my husband understand how he could be there for me.  Once that started happening, the depression started to lift.  You won't need to go into counseling if both people are willing to research and learn what it is that they can be doing to help their partner.

3.  REBUILD : It is inevitable that I will be reminded about the past. But why not also dwell on the future?  How do I want my relationship to be NOW? Where do I want it to go?  Talk about how things are different in your marriage NOW as opposed to how they were.  Create things to look forward to.  My husband and I talk about dreams of going on road trips together.  Or even short term plans like hikes and camping trips with the family.  Just anything to give yourselves something to look forward to helps. 

4.  GET OUT : Staying isolated is one of the worst things you can do. I am guilty of this and still struggle with this.  As much as possible, resume your normal activities and routines. Structure can provide feelings of security as you slowly regain your sense of stability.  Having kids certainly helped me with this...I HAD to get out of bed and get them off to school or drive them to their activities or set up play dates.  So that helps.  I still struggle with wanting to do anything with friends.  For me, I've just been starting small.  Going to lunch during the day while my husband is working.  Or resuming contact with friends through social media.  Small is better than nothing, right?

5. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF : Recovery is a process. Even if your pain isn't physical, you still need to give yourself the proper rest, nutrition and exercise.  I also still struggle with this one. At least the exercise part.  I DO know how important it is.  And I have been sure to encourage my husband to keep up with his exercising...it has made a world of difference for his depression.  As far as sleeping goes, I have taken IB Profin PMs every night since the day I found out.  I find that if I don't take them, I can't sleep and if I can't sleep I am up all night reliving the betrayal in my mind.  Sleep is important and I have been told it is ok to take those as long as I need to.

6. REMOVE TRIGGERS : Become aware of your emotional triggers and learn to cope with them creatively. You may have a flashback to your trauma by engaging in a similar activity, going to a similar place, seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting or feeling something that reminds you of the original trauma. The best way to cope is to remove any triggers that you can.  It helped me to explain to my husband what these triggers are so he could also be more sensitive. Another way to cope with this is to recognize that you are experiencing an emotional trigger and engage in positive self-talk (e.g., “This is frightening but I am safe now.”)  I have to admit that I'm not so great with the self-talk, but I know it works for a lot of people.

7. THINK POSITIVE : For every hurting and negative thought you have, tell yourself you need to think of 3 positive ones.  What are you grateful for? What do you love? What are the GOOD things in your relationship?  What are your favorite memories of you and your husband together?  Go outside and feel the sunshine and breath the fresh air.  Say a prayer.  Read your scriptures.  Find an inspirational quote to read. Listen to a song that makes you happy.  This will keep you from dwelling on the hurt and sinking into an endless pit of despair.

8. BE PATIENT:  Healing takes time. Your recovery will have it’s ups and downs. It is what it is and there is no magical cure.  As much as you want it to, it can't be fixed in a day.  So be patient with yourself.

For those that are religious, Christ can heal your heart as well. Good luck to you.