Kill Me Now

I'm sorry, but I must vent on this post today. What happened today is mind blowing.

 

 To help you understand this, let me start by saying that I have been married almost 13 years.  I have a best friend who was there with me through it all and I have waited for her to find the same happiness! It took 13 years, but she did it!!! She got married today!!! We finished all the pictures at the Salt Lake Temple and I said goodbye to her and was SO happy on such a perfect day and I was walking away with a smile on my face. 

 

As I walked past the temple, and looked over at the temple stairs, there SHE was . 
The other woman!!
The woman who has been a thorn in my side ever since the affair
 It looked like her brother had just gotten married and they were doing pictures!!!!!!

 

What the #^%#???? 

 

Mind you, this is 45 minutes from home
And I RARELY see anyone I know from my neighborhood when I'm out
Of all days for me to run into her. 

Kill. Me. Now. 

 

The moment I saw her, it was like a scene from a movie:

 All of a sudden all movement went into slow motion

The smile disappeared from my face

And the world around me came crashing down

Needless to say I basically ran by and found a corner and had a panic attack. 

Took a little while to calm myself down

 

Some of you might be wondering...

"why is she having a panic attack when she runs into her over a year after the affair happened?"

 

Well, first of all, you might have forgotten that it has been a little hard to move on,
WHEN SHE IS STILL IN MY WARD!!!
I'm not sure I know how to make you understand how hard this is.
I would never wish this on another person.

 

Second of all, refer to my post about Post Traumatic Stress

I have this

And it's REALLY hard when I am reminded of anything to do with the affair

And seeing her is the worst for me.

On a positive note,
apparently we found out later that they saw us INSIDE the temple,
as they were going IN to a wedding ceremony
and we were coming OUT
THANK THE HEAVENS that I did not see them at that time
But still....I have NEVER ran into ANYONE from my ward while downtown
much less IN the temple!!
Of all people to run into
I just don't understand

I don't understand why I have to continue to go through this
Why the torment is never ending. 

Haunted

 A year ago today, the other woman watched my kids for me while I went to work.  I wouldn't really call it work, it's more like my hobby.  But I had to leave and she was so nice (sarcasm) to watch my kids for me.  I would be able to come and get them and have a 2 hour break before I had to go back and she was so nice (sarcasm) to invite our family over to dinner because "she wanted me to be able to relax and not stress about cooking for my family".  How NICE (sarcasm) of her! 

 

Well, we get there, and lo and behold, her husband happened to get called out to work.  So there she was sitting at the kitchen table smack in between my husband and I while all our kids played and laughed outside.  We talked about what we might do on our couples trip to St. George in a few weeks and talked and laughed.  The time came that I had to go back to work.  I felt bad pulling the kids away and felt bad that I was leaving my husband alone to take care of the kids and so I let him stay there, but told him to leave in 30 minutes and was very firm about that, as I had uneasy feelings about leaving him there alone with her.  But I was confident he would leave asap.

 

As I drove home from my job, I called to say I was on my way home and found out instead of staying 30 more minutes, he stayed TWO HOURS!  I had a pit in my stomach.  I was angry at first, but it quickly subsided because DUH! Of course nothing happened between them! Why would I even think such a thing.  She was my friend. Why was I being so weird!! 

 

Now that I know what was going on at that time, I feel sick to my stomach about that day.  It was towards the end of their time together, so by that time, they had shared almost 4000 texts, met up over 6 times, shared hundreds of minutes together on the phone, kissed and told each other that they loved each other.

 

I am haunted by our smiles and conversations at that dinner table and for a long while I could not work any more.  Because if I were to be away doing that same kind of work, all I could think about was that night.  And how I felt so happy and content doing something I love, while the husband that I loved was supporting me while I did it. I am haunted by the feelings I had when I found out her husband was not going to be there.  Everything inside me screamed to GET OUT!  But the nice person in me gave them both the trust that nothing would happen. Little did I know, something already WAS happening.

 

 Looking back, I remember feeling like her house was a dirty mess and that the dinner (gross, cheap hot dogs) was sickening, but of course I looked past that because friends don't judge friends.  But no more of those cheap and gross rubbery hot dogs for me.  I'm only going beef hot dogs from here on out!

Forgive me.....

I feel the need to apologize because the next few posts will probably be quite depressing. 

 

As I get closer to the year mark of "finding out", I am haunted by things that were happening a year ago.  The dates are engrained in my mind and I feel the need to tell someone about them. 

 

 But I am afraid my friends are probably tired of me ranting on and on about it and even though my husband would say that he wants to be there for me and wants me to be able to talk about it with him.  Why would he want to hear every detail about his big fat mistake? And why would I want to put him through that when things have been going so well for us in our relationship? 

 

So I just needed to explain that the next few posts will most likely be more of a venting for me. Not caring who reads it or not caring what anyone has to say about it. I just need to get it out.

 

PTSD from an affair?

Below is the criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, if you remove the so called need for the death or serious injury you would find that many people who have been through an affair in their marriage suffer most of the symptoms.

I have highlighted the ones that apply to me.  But this is not news to me that PTSD is something I might suffer from.  I had a counselor point it out to me before researching more about it. One thing that I hope others get from this post is that AN AFFAIR, whether sexual or emotional, or whether it lasted 1 month or 5 years, CAUSES TRAUMA.  It is real.  And I feel the pain as if it were yesterday, even though I am going on a year since finding out.  I feel broken and not sure that I'll ever be fully put back together again. I am sorry for anyone who has gone through an affair and I hope you know you are not alone and that maybe it will help you to know that if you are suffering any of the symptoms below, that it is a real disorder and not that you are going crazy. ;)

A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:
(1) the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.
(2) the person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

B. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways:
(1) recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions.
(2) recurrent distressing dreams of the event. .(occasional for me)
(3) acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated).
(4) intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.
(5) physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
(1) efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
(2) efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma
(3) inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
(4) markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
(5) feeling of detachment or estrangement from others
(6) restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)
(7) sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:
(1) difficulty falling or staying asleep
(2) irritability or outbursts of anger
(3) difficulty concentrating
(4) hypervigilance
(5) exaggerated startle response

E. Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than 1 month.

F. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
Specify if:
Acute: if duration of symptoms is less than 3 months
Chronic: if duration of symptoms is 3 months or more

Specify if:
With Delayed Onset: if onset of symptoms is at least 6 months after the stressor.