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Friday, January 31, 2014

5 Steps To Overcoming Your Mistakes

{There's this REALLY interesting youtube channel called VSauce. Almost everything he has to say is pretty fascinating.  And he says it in such an interesting way! Go check it out }

A video from VSauce inspired this post.
His video called MISTAKES
"(Mistakes) are as much a part of us today
As the stuff we've gotten right"
I like the metaphor he gives at 6:23

Here is what he says:
"How do you deal with regret?
Can you?
Stuff in your past is like a carving on the bark of a sapling
Over time the scar, the carving, won't go away
Because of the way trees grow, it won't go up and down much either
It'll just stay right where it began.
It might even get darker,
but it won't get bigger.
YOU, however
You can keep growing
Doing more things, more branches
BE more things!
The wound won't get smaller,
but you can make IT a smaller part of who you are."

Of course, this is easier said than done.

Here are 6 steps to follow
when trying to overcome your mistakes

1. FEEL SOMETHING : Whether it's guilt or regret or shame, it's a good sign..  It means that you recognize that you made a mistake and you feel bad about it. You can't learn from your mistakes if you don't even feel like you made one!  And don't be ashamed of your SHAME.  Don't lie to avoid confronting your shame and guilt.  The people who truly love you in your life will be ready to listen and will still accept you for who you are.  So don't be afraid to feel something and share those feelings!!

2.  ACCEPT IT :  Let go of trying to justify your mistake. Let go of trying to place blame.  No matter who or what led to your decision, it was still YOUR choice. Just accept that you made a mistake.  It's part of life.  We all make them.  Man up and just take responsibility for the mistake that you made and tell yourself that you want to do better. YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN A VALUABLE LIFE LESSON, but you have to first take responsibility.

3. APOLOGIZE : If your mistake affected another person, it is important that you let them know you are sorry.  They may not be ready to forgive you, but the important thing is that they hear you say it. It's the only way to begin to rebuild trust.  If you are religious, this may be the time to get on your knees and ask forgiveness from your Father in Heaven.  He wants to help you through it and take the guilt off of your shoulders.

4. UNDERSTAND & LEARN : Why did the mistake happen? To avoid making the same mistakes, sometimes we learn of a bad habit that we need to break.  Is there something that could have done to avoid the mistake? Maybe you shouldn't have been in a certain place or been with a certain person at all.  Don't let yourself fall into the "What Ifs" so you can start beating yourself up again, but let yourself see how you got into the situation in the first place so that you can LEARN from them.  We need to learn something from our mistakes to be able to view your them as useful stepping stones on our way to a better life. Learning from them will help us lower the risk of repeating them.

5. LIGHTEN UP : Don't be so hard on yourself! Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person.  Making stupid decisions doesn't mean you are a stupid person.  It's the way you handle them that determines what kind of person you are. Let go of PERFECTION and you will feel so much lighter.   Handle your mistakes with grace & maturity (by following all of the above steps) and you will slowly start to be able to forgive yourself and move on. 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Say Something


This is a REALLY popular song right now
"Say Something" by A Great Big World, feat Christina Aguilera
I hear it all over the radio
It really is beautiful to listen to
But can be so sad when you really listen to the words
Push play and follow the lyrics below

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
 I'll be the one, if you want me to.
 Anywhere I would've followed you.
 Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I am feeling so small.
 It was over my head
 I know nothing at all.
And I will stumble and fall.
 I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.
Say something,
I'm giving up on you.
 I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere I would've followed you.
 Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I will swallow my pride.
 You're the one that I love
 And I'm saying goodbye.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
 And anywhere I would've followed you.
 Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
 Say something...
I'm sure this song can be interpreted a number of ways
The video itself poses 3 different situations someone might be in when relating to this song
It touched me most when relating to a couple struggling in their relationship
My favorite part of the lyrics are
"I know nothing at all
And I will stumble & fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl"
It is SO TRUE!
Isn't it?
I don't think there is anyone on this earth that knows how to love perfectly
There are so many factors that affect how we love
How we grew up
The people who loved us and raised us
And then you meet someone who may have learned how to love in a different way
And then everything we experience along the way
 changes who we are and how we love
When my husband cheated on me,
it wasn't physical
It was emotional
And going through that experience taught me that
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
I had barely touched the surface of what it means to love
There were so many things I wasn't doing
Because I hadn't yet learned how
That's why second chances are so important
Instead of getting so frustrated or angry with our spouse over something we feel they should have
already KNOWN how to do,
We need to understand that we are all still learning
Talk to your spouse in a loving way
Let them know that you love them
But that you need something to change
Have a heartfelt conversation
And if you are on the receiving end of this plea
Don't let yourself get defensive
Don't let yourself feel judged
Don't let yourself pull away from them right when they are trying to reach out.
Your version of the song doesn't have to include
"And I'm saying goodbye"

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Relating to Parenthood, the TV show

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Absolutely LOVE this show! The actors are so REAL and genuine...they do an amazing job.  It's the kind of show you wish would just go on FOREVER!! My husband and I watch this together and I love it.  Lots of FEEL GOOD moments that can bring you closer together.  There are also so many story lines that people in all different situations can relate to.  I highly, highly recommend this show.
The most recent episodes have been a little difficult to watch for me. We are in the middle of season 5 and Julia and Joel have been having a hard time in the marriage.  Joel's job has been very demanding of his time and they have been feeling a DISCONNECT. This will happen to all of us. I have mentioned before, that it is just normal that there will be times of disconnect in our relationships.  That's not the bad part.  The bad part is when we don't recognize it until it's too late, OR we recognize it, but don't do anything about it.
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In Joel and Julia's case...they just can't get on the same page.  And in the meantime, there is another parent from their kids school, Ed Brooks, that has formed a friendship with Julia.  They have formed feelings for each other and when Julia recognized that this was not appropriate, she tried to tell Ed that they can't be friends anymore.  Needless to say, that conversation ended with Ed kissing her.  
This storyline really hits home with me.  My husband's affair started the same way.  He formed a friendship with another woman and he felt connected to her in a way that he had NOT been feeling with me at that time.  In this type of situation, the persons involved don't go into the friendship looking for an affair or planning on one.  IT JUST HAPPENS. IT JUST HAPPENS people. 
Julia didn't know what to do...she was confused for her feelings for Ed...she feels like he "Sees" her.  It is just SO crazy, because this is what my husband had told me about the woman he had the affair with.  "She understood him". 

She went to her older brother Adam and I LOVE the advice he gave her:

"Julia, listen to me, whatever is feeling good right now about Ed, is just related to how bad things are feeling with Joel, alright?  And it is not worth it.  It's not about him, this is about you and Joel. And you've got to focus on your marriage.  It's about you and your family. It's not worth it, ok? You've got to get this guy out of your life and forget about him.  Figure your stuff out with Joel. "

Isn't that amazing? I wish that everyone had someone like that to talk get them back on course when confused.  I hope that can speak to any of you out there that might be feeling a disconnect with your spouse and feeling like turning to someone else who you feel might understand you better.  DON'T DO IT.  IT'S NOT WORTH IT.  YOU CAN GET BACK WHAT YOU HAD WITH YOUR SPOUSE.  YOU CAN! The disconnect doesn't mean it's over and the new connection does NOT mean you might be meant to be with that other person.  But you need to TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE about it.  Get help if you need to. But your marriage CAN and WILL get better if you both work on it.
 The other part that really hit home was the part where Joel confronted Julia and asked if she was having an affair.  BEGGED HER TO TELL HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON.  That if there is anything he needed to know to TELL HIM PLEASE!
I had a moment like that before finding out about the affair.  I confronted my husband and asked "Is there something going on?"  And he did just as Julia did and told me No, there's nothing going on.  But I'm telling you....WE FEEL IT.  We may not be able to articulate that it's an affair or whatever, but we FEEL THAT SOMETHING IS OFF.  I talked more about this experience here:
I just WISH he would have talked to me about it!!!! I had NO CLUE that anything was feeling off in our marriage.  I would do anything to go back and have him tell me the truth in that moment. JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER PEOPLE! The truth needs to come out for the fixing to begin.
Not everyone has a happy ending to these situations.  Sometimes the betrayed party feels that it is too hard to get over and would rather leave than work on it.  Sometimes the one who betrayed decides to see if the grass is greener on the other side.  But I am CROSSING MY FINGERS that Joel and Julia can work this out and we can see more of this: