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Saturday, March 30, 2013

Who can I trust?

One of the hardest and most traumatizing parts of the affair is that the Other Woman was one of my good friends from the ward and neighborhood.  I TRUSTED HER.  I was only there to help her and be her friend and this is how she repaid me. I mean, I don't expect things in return for being someone's friend, but I do expect you to not betray me!!  Is that too hard to ask????? 

I want to share the events that happened the week that I found out.  It was a Sunday when I really KNEW something was off with my husband and I decided I might have to follow him the next time he goes out.  It was Monday when SHE told her husband everything.  It was Tuesday that I got an email from her canceling a big event that they were going to hold at their house in a couple weeks.  When I got that email, I knew something BIG had to have happened for her to cancel her event.  I started talking to my husband about how I think HER husband might have had an affair or something and that I was going to try to make her a treat and go over and see if she needs to talk.  I talked about this with my husband for days before he finally told me the truth about what had happened.   

I was going to take her freaking COOKIES!!!!!  And all the while she was sneaking around with my husband behind my back.  So where does that leave me?  Well, it certainly makes me question who I can trust.  I have several friends in the same ward and neighborhood and I've known them all for the same amount of time that I knew HER.  So this whole ordeal has put all of those relationships into question and made me think that I don't want to be friends with ANYONE in this damn neighborhood!!! No one is REALLY my friend, right???? 

I came across this quote:

And it's true.  I DO have some real friends.  Friends that I've had for many many years and I can know for certain that there is not one of them that would ever do something like this to me.  And so I should appreciate and nurture THOSE friendships and not think that I need to be friends with everyone in the neighborhood.

So my advice to all of you out there?  Have your handful of REAL friends and focus on those relationships.   You can wave and smile and make small talk with others, but never feel pressured into inviting them into your personal circle.  It's not worth it.


Holland BAN said...

You can only trust God. And I'm not sure if you can trust yourself...

You and I are lucky (I think), because it has only happened once (tricky thing for me is that it was emotional and physical, tricky thing for you is that is was a friend). My husband has shown me that he is a changed man. That he was led by hormones for two months.
He is dedicated to make things right and has shown me.

Trust is not rebuilt completely, and I don't feel completely safe, but I can feel things are growing.

Try to bond and do lots of things together. Live like you've only got one more year together. Block the triggers, because they don't help.

The triggers (images) I have, are made up in my head, because I haven't seen them together. The more I cling to them, the more settled they will become in my mind --> not good!

Take care!


Elizabeth T said...

Thanks for your support, Mara. I agree that I feel lucky compared to many. Especially that it was a clean break from the other woman and I have not had to worry that things are still going on behind my back. I also agree with trying to do lots of things really helps us both. The triggers are another story. I can get rid of many of them, but avoiding HER is almost impossible on Sundays, which is very hard.

It's hard to get the memories during the affair out of my mind. The memories of our families hanging out together and seeing it in my mind, now that I know what was REALLY going on behind my back. It disgusts me and makes me so angry. It also makes me feel so stupid that I didn't see it at the time. I agree that I can't cling to these...but I can't seem to get them out of my head

Anonymous said...

Hi Elizabeth. I stumbled onto your blog. I'm going through something very very similar but it was my WIFE and a family ward friend. It even escalated into physical (not actual sex but sexting and getting off via facetime). I just found out today and am utterly sick. SICK. I don't even know what to do. Luckily we moved across town into different ward but I am just dying inside. She says she's sorry and wants to work it out. I don't even know what to do. So lonely and so lost and sick. :(

Elizabeth T said...

I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. And I am SO SO sorry for what you are going through. It is the most horrible thing, especially when it involves friends. Sick is the right word and I know how that feels. I am so glad that you were able to move, which will hopefully give you a new start. But it is going to take a lot of work. It took a lot of counseling for my spouse to finally understand a little bit of what I was feeling and what he needed to do to help me and work through this. I would highly suggest going to see someone!! Please email me anytime you need!!