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Monday, April 1, 2013

Can I hire a hitman?

With a title like that, you can tell that it has not been such a good day today.  You know what I mean...first I feel like googling someone who might be willing to take HER out for a reasonable amount of money.  But then comes the uncontrollable sobbing, swollen face, mascara on the pillow and feeling utterly alone and hopeless.  I really need to turn this around somehow.  It's almost like I REFUSE to be happy until SHE is completely out of my life.  For anyone who reads this, can you just say a quick little prayer or cross your fingers for me that SHE will move?  
I know you want to say "Don't let her have this kind of power over you!!" But guess what, she doesn't get any pleasure from seeing me down.  She was my friend and she made a big fat mistake and has apologized profusely.  She WANTS me to be happy again and wants my marriage to work out because it will make her feel better to see that.  So it makes me want to do the opposite because I feel like I'm never going to let her forget what she did to me and how much it has broken me.   
I really would love to find someone out there who has gone through this same thing.  All the blogs I find, the affair is not with someone who lives 5 houses away.  I want to know how someone else handled this!!  I am finding that I can not be friends with anyone who she is friends with and that is pretty hard because we had pretty much all the same friends.  So I isolate myself and tell myself I don't need any of them anyway. She can have them all. Whatever.  And then it builds and builds until I breakdown in a silent rage of swearing, name calling and crying.
Someone please tell me what to do.  And I don't want to hear "Oh, hunny, you've got to let it go and move on. That anger is going to eat you alive".  I want to hear a solution that doesn't include me having to be the bigger person and forgive, forget and get on with my life. 
Can WE move?  Let's just say that I would have been gone already if my husband were on board.  Would it be hard financially? Yes.  It would be financially impossible to buy another home right now, so we would have to rent this one out and rent somewhere else. We bought a home that we LOVE and that we have put a lot of time into and when we moved here we planned to stay until we grow old.  But I am willing to give that all up to just get the heck out of here.  I feel trapped.  I feel like I'm suffocating.  And there's a building resentment growing towards my husband for not letting us move. 
I just feel so alone.  My husband says he is there for me, but I feel like he should be willing to do anything to put me out of my misery.  He thinks moving isn't the answer.  Well, sorry for not trusting that he has any of the right answers after what he did.

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