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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Will it ever get better?

It's amazing how good you can feel one day and how horrible the next.  Today I am crying, and wondering what I'm doing with myself.  Why am I blogging?  I wonder if I'm trying to fill a void that I feel in my life.  A void that is now present because of the betrayal.  I just feel like there's this big gaping hole and when I really think about it, I realize how empty I really feel.  I have no desire to reunite myself with friends in the ward and neighborhood. I feel I don't have the strength to hold a calling.  I can barely keep the attention span to read a book. 

But I think a big part of me misses my life before the affair happened. I miss who I was and how other people saw me and knew they could come to me as a friend. And it makes me sad.  I feel sad enough to just want to hole up in my bedroom and never come out. 

I'm sad that people I care(d) about could cause the hurt that I'm feeling.  I always felt like I was a good person with good intentions and I feel like I'm being punished for it.  I still have my days of wondering how I could have ended up here.  And wondering if I'll ever feel completely happy again. 

Days like today I wish I could just get away from it all.  I wish I could move far away and just start over. I just need a fresh start.  But what's the point in wishing for something that is not going to happen.  I am here and I need to deal with it.  Just not finding the strength today.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

It will get better!

Mara x

Elizabeth T said...

Thanks Mara! Do you have a blog of your own?! -just curious- ;)

Anonymous said...

Yes, I do, but not about affairs. Haven't blogged since I found out, but you can have a look if you mail me at banholland@gmail.com

:-)

Amanda J said...

I have the same problem. Nothing feels the same and I have a huge gaping hole inside me that I want to fill with the things I normally love, but just can't. Especially on bad days like that. Still don't know how to deal with the bad days. Keep pushing forward!