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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Wilted

I know I've been absent from the blog for a while.  Some of the time I've been busy and the rest of the time I've been depressed.  I'm supposed to be able to also write about my depressive days, but it seems no one wants to read a blog post that doesn't have something inspiring to get from it.  And honestly, I don't feel very inspiring lately.  I feel like a wilted flower.
 It's been 11 months since I found out about the affair.  And so that means that the affair was going on at this time a year ago.  Every time I look at a calendar, I am reminded.  So this is a pretty crappy time for me, and that's just the truth.  I don't have any inspiring words for you right now.  Maybe I'll have some when I get out of this funk. 
I know I keep saying this, but they need to move. 
I had someone make a comment on another post about how I shouldn't obsess about them moving because won't their house still be there and still trigger me?
To answer that:
Yes, of course everything will still trigger for a while
BUT
you don't understand the difference I would feel in knowing they are far away from me.
I don't even feel peace in my own home...
For example,
Just yesterday, I heard a knock on the door.
I was not feeling well, and in bed, and all my kids were gone, so I didn't answer
But I was curious who it was
So I peeked out the bedroom window
And it was 2 of the other woman's kids
She knows I can't handle that
And that our kids aren't playing
So what the heck?????
That brought me down pretty low
sobbing
screaming
angry again that I have to feel this way
because of what they did
that it's not fair that I should have to live this way.
And sad that there used to be a time where we had a good friendship with this family
it just sucks so bad.
:(
I should be able to drive into my neighborhood and feel comfort and peace
I should be able to relax in my home and feel safe.
But I don't.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog through pinterest and read every post from the beginning. I'm going through a similar trial.
I'm grateful for this terrible blessing (yes I know that sounds weird!). It's allowing me to come to understand the atonement and to rely on my Savior then I ever have and how repentance and forgiveness is a gift from our Heavenly Father, and how the adversary is fulfilling is calling in destroying the family, but we can beat him!
When I was studying I came across a talk from Elder Faust from the 2004 Nov conference issue. When I read a scripture from that talk I felt peace and was comforted by it. It reads: I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold I will heal thee. I don't think I would have come across that scripture because it comes from the old testament(not a fan) in 2 kings 20:5. I know that healing will come and it will come in stages.
Marriage is hard and very trying at times but remember our Heavenly Father and the Savior is invested 100% in it and the adversary isn't!
Remember your Heavenly Father see's and hear's your prayer!
Jen

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that you've had a hard time lately. I can totally relate to something triggering past emotions and bringing them all flooding back again. Sometimes when I think I'm over it, a song will come on, or I will see someone that will remind me of what my husband did. It has gotten less and less over time (it's been a few years), but it's still hard every time.