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Friday, August 16, 2013

My world shattered

Well, I can now say it's been ONE YEAR since my world shattered.
One year since I found out my husband had fallen in love with one of my friends.
One year since my heart was broken into so many pieces that I'm not sure I've gotten them all back yet. 
One year since I felt like I didn't want to live anymore.
 
I don't have the full story of that dreadful day anywhere on here and as it is on my mind, maybe writing it down will help to purge it from my thoughts: 

The affair started with a harmless text.  My husband knew HER because she was in our ward.  Over the few years that we lived here, our families became friends and would often do activities together.  I enjoyed time with just HER for girls nights and my husband was also good friends with her husband.  Our kids got along and would often play together.  My husband and HER both enjoyed running, and so that one thing in common got the talking started.  The only problem is that they both kept their conversations secret from their spouses.  Over a month's time, there were over 4000 texts shared, 8 long phone conversations (40-100 min each), 6 meetings in person, 2 kisses, and they decided that they fell in love. 

During the month that the affair went on, SHE was always contacting me, setting up playdates or inviting my husband and I to do things.  SHE even had the audacity to start planning a couples trip for us.  I thought that SHE just really considered me a good friend.  Boy was I stupid.  I was also noticing that my husband kept picking small fights with me over small things, which gave him an excuse to go for a walk or bike ride or drive.  When it neared the end, I wrote in my journal about how uneasy I was feeling about how he was acting.  I told myself I'd have to follow him the next time he went out.  I even asked him if something else was going on and he would just say no and even hug me and tell me he was sorry to have worried me.  On a separate note, I started getting bugged by HER and all the time we were spending together, but never did it cross my mind that SHE and my husband were sneaking around together.

They knew that things were going too far.  I was noticing something was wrong, and so did HER husband.  SHE said her husband was discovering the truth.  She needed to tell him everything and asked my husband what she should tell him (basically a question of are they leaving their spouses or not) and my husband said "I can't do that to 6 kids".  And so they said goodbye and had no more contact there after.

The day he told me, it was just like any other day.  Did some gardening, ran to the store, etc  I was so happy and excited that day, as we were having people over for a barbeque.

 At 12:40, I got a text from him saying "check your email and then call me".  I checked the computer and there was an email from him with the title "Email seems to be our best form of communication.".  But the email was BLANK.  That was weird.  For some reason I started to get a knot in my stomach. I called him and told him the email was blank.  He said, "What? Are you sure? That's weird.  Well, I'm going to have to just read it to you then".  I FROZE, although I was confused, I knew this couldn't be good.  He began to read:
Elizabeth,

I know I'm a coward for emailing instead of talking to you.  This seems to be our best way to communicate.  But still...you have to know this.
I know why you've been feeling weird about ***.  It's because of me. You were right when you said we were getting too attached.  Over the last month, I've been having deep conversations with *** over text, and a few phone calls. We fell in love and I know that sucks and it's not right...

[PAUSE STORY: At this point, I started screaming "nooooooooo!!!!! no! no! no!" Into the phone]
...This is the reason I've been going for walks and bike rides at weird times... 

[PAUSE STORY: yelling, "no! no! no! I KNEW IT! I KNEW something was wrong! nooooo!!!" (histerical sobbing)]
...to get away to think and to communicate with ***.  I'm so sorry for betraying you like this.  Nothing happened physically between *** and me. 

[PAUSE STORY: I found out later that that was not completely true. They had met up at least 6 times and kissed twice]

It was Monday when we shut it down, and it is over.  She told her husband Monday night.  And I haven't dared to talk to you about it.  I don't have any contact with *** any more.  Part of me wants to keep this from you to keep you from hurting.  Maybe I shouldn't tell you.  But I can't not tell you.  I'm tired of hurting you.  That's all I do, continually throughout our whole marriage.  I'm not a good person. My truth is what hurts you because my truth is crappy.

I love you "Elizabeth", and that will never change.  But I have to stop hurting you.  You're better off without me "Elizabeth".  Nobody is better off with me.  I just can't face hurting you anymore.  I don't know what to do.  You deserve so much more and better than the kind of person I am.
I'm so sorry.  I love you.
 

When he finished, the only sounds were of me sobbing and yelling.  I don't even think I heard the last half of the letter.  All I knew is that my life as I knew it was over.  I couldn't believe that this was happening.  I canceled our barbeque and anything else that I could.

I wrote a long email to HER.  It was a very spur of the moment rant about how could she do this, I thought she was my friend, someone has to move now, this can't work living in the same neighborhood, our kids will never play together again, I'm upset, hurt, angry, etc....I just wanted to punch her and yell at her.

Anyway, when my husband got home, I couldn't even look at him.  I had stopped crying by then and just walked around the house aimlessly, putting things away, just trying to keep my hands busy.  Every now and then I would ask a question like "What day did it start?", "So it was going on during our date with so and so?", etc.  I felt the need to put the pieces of my life together during the month that the affair was going on.

I stated that we have to go to counseling, and he agreed to go.  So I called to make an appointment, hoping for one right that second.  But the soonest we could get in was in a week.  I was so upset by this.  I know we needed guidance through this mess and a week felt like a year.

I remember blurting out things like "what do you MEAN you fell in love?  You can't fall in love in a matter of FOUR weeks.  It can't really be love.  It had to have just been an infatuation, right? " and he responded "maybe" and I would continue..."WHAT in the world did you talk about all that time that led to you falling in love? What did you talk about????".  He couldn't really answer....religion, politics, etc.   I was dumbfounded.

At this point, my husband was very responsive to me.  He seemed sincerely sorry and that he wanted to be there for me.  He let me ask my questions, even though he appeared frustrated having to answer them.  Especially since he didn't really know how to answer some of them.  He didn't remember EXACTLY which day it started, etc.  And the more questions I asked the more frustrated he got until he blurted out, "I don't know, Elizabeth.  This is really hard, ok!  I know I did a terrible thing.  Do we really have to hash out every detail?"

When he shut me down, I recoiled like a wounded creature.  Looking back, I should have stood my ground and asked him whatever questions I darn well pleased.  But I felt like I couldn't.  And it made me angrier. 

We went around the house like zombies the rest of the day...taking care of the kids/house, etc.  I took a bath and he put the kids to bed.    He suggested I take some IB Profin PMs to sleep and I did.  But I woke up early and just started to cry.  He rubbed my back and said he's sorry. 

I got up and said it might help to just get some things done and keep my mind off of everything.  So he hopped right on that and proceeded to help whip the house into shape and clean out the garage, etc.  Late afternoon he suggested he go pick up some take out Chinese and maybe we can watch a movie later.  I felt good that he wanted to do these things for me and spend time with me. 

But all day I had just been feeling like something doesn't make sense.  How can two people fall in love and not have ANY physical contact, which is what he led me to believe.  I texted HER and asked her to tell me what they did.  She claimed that she cared about my marriage and thinks any details should come from my husband, but she felt for me and because she knew I was probably assuming the worst,  she assured me that it did not even come close to that. 

So right away I called him and said that I KNEW there was something he wasn't telling me and I needed him to tell me or I was going to go to HER and get the answers.  He was quiet for a long time until he finally said, "We kissed twice."  I FREAKED out.  And this new information makes things WAY deeper than it was.  Right away I said that he needs to go in to see our bishop. 

And that is when HE freaked out.  Saying he'll do whatever he feels the need to do and basically it is not my place to say whether he needs to go in to talk to the bishop.  I got so mad I hung up on him. 

He came home and went into a guest room and BROKE DOWN.  He was screaming and crying about how SHE changed his life and how now he knows what love really is and about how horrible I've been and how he stayed with us 95% because of the kids.  This went on for some time. MANY very hurtful things were said and I realized that I did not know this person anymore.  I was so scared.  Scared he was going to leave me. Scared that I didn't want to live without him.  And so I kept my mouth shut from then on out.  He was in an "affair fog" for quite some time...and so I just kept quiet, but kept the house clean and running as normal.  Maybe better than normal.  Until finally, over the next several months, he slowly came out of it and as we work on our marriage, we have come leaps and bounds.  But boy, did that feel like I went through Hell.

In talking about it recently, my husband feels like the whole thing was completely stupid and that I am the person he wants to be with and he is so grateful for the 2nd chance I've given him and that he loves that I'm his wife.  He tells me he doesn't want anyone else and that he is in this to help me heal and to help us get through this.  And so we also continue our counseling.

I've had a lot of trauma, not only from the affair actually happening, but from the way SHE was with me for that month during the affair, AND then on top of it all, having to hear my husband mourn his loss of HER until he came to his senses.  It has been a long road, but things are MUCH better than they were a year ago.  But I am still navigating through the pain, hurt and anger from it all, as you can tell from my most recent posts. :(

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is literally the most painful and honest blog entries I've read in a long time. I'm glad to know both you and your husband are dealing with this, even if I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be as forgiving. Be strong and good luck with everything :)

Anonymous said...

entry*

Anonymous said...

This is almost exactly what happened with my husband's affair. The only difference is it wasn't a woman in the ward, it was some random girl at work that was living with her boyfriend, and it went on for a little over a month. They saw each other about six times, kissed three, and I caught him by reading their Facebook messages to each other. I guess at least your husband confessed of his own free will. But I do feel lucky that he wasn't in the affair fog for long. And we never had to go through a period of him mourning the relationship. I honestly think he was relieved it was over. We're only about six months out from the last time he spoke with her (she called him a month after he broke things off and he unthinkingly answered his phone, but still didn't hang up right away either) and reading your blog has helped me tremendously. I am VERY sorry someone else has gone through the pain of an affair like I have. Wouldn't we all like to be the last ones to ever have to deal with this? I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. But I appreciate your openness and your willingness to even anonymously share your story. As another LDS member, I've really struggled with a lot of the same things it sounds like you have. And it's nice to hear someone else is hanging in there and having both good and bad days, too, in a similar way to myself. I have a support group I attend, but I'm the only LDS churchmember that I know of, so it's not quite the same, is it? But anyway, thank you! And I sincerely pray you and your family are doing better. I'm getting there.