Still haven't moved....

I wanted to write an update ages ago,

but it has been a roller coaster of emotions the last few months. 

 

In my last post I was so excited to announce that we were putting the house up for sale! 

But our house was NOT selling like I thought it would. 

LOTS of interest, but no offers! 

Until FINALLY we went under contract yesterday. 

 I am relieved, but I am trying not to get too excited until we actually close. 

Anything could happen I suppose and I feel like it will be just my luck for this to fall through at the last minute and we will still be stuck here for the rest of the winter and have to re-list in the spring.  Nooooooo!

Please can that not happen. 

Anyway, it is supposed to close on December 9th....so here's hoping we see this by that time:

After 5 months of keeping the house clean for showings,

I. AM. EXHAUSTED.

Can we just get out of here already and move on with our lives???!!!!

Is that too much to ask?

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Gardening as Therapy?

No, that's not my yard.
I wish!
It's my dream to have a lush and green yard
But we have a newer house and started the yard from scratch
So it's a lot of hard work and not to mention EXPENSIVE
But we were excited to get our yard started when we moved in
And I have spent a lot of time out there over the last few years

 

When the affair happened, I thought I would never work out there again

Since that's what I was doing the morning I found out about the affair

And I felt so stupid that the affair was going on and I didn't even know it

And there I was in lala land working on my yard, trying to get it to look nice to have people over

All the while my husband was sneaking around with one of my good friends from the ward

I was disgusted

With him, with my friend, with myself

And I couldn't get myself to go out back the rest of the summer and the fall

Especially when I can see HER house when I'm out there.
I wanted to keep all the blinds closed and not even look out there
And I did. For a long time.
It was a huge trigger for me

It sucked.  It still sucks.

 

But somehow I got motivated to get out there and work
Spring came and we've had some BEAUTIFUL weather
And I got the itch to start weeding my flower beds and plant my garden

They say gardening is therapeutic.

Maybe that's true
Scientists say that it reduces stress and calms the nerves
Read about it HERE

I talked my husband into buying more trees and shrubs for our backyard

And I planted them in strategic places to try and block the view of HER house

Lucky for me, our next door neighbors also planted some trees that will help

It might take 5-8 years to really help, but it's a start

 

Now I am the nerd that sits out on her patio and admires her work  LOL

I can really tell I'm getting old when I get excited about TREES!

On the nice evenings I like to sit out there

in a spot where HER house is mostly blocked from view

And enjoy this beautiful weather while we have it

 

Although I still will glance over at HER house and cringe
Every. Time. I'm. Out. There.

I just say a little prayer that they will move
And that my trees will grow FAST

PLEASE!!!! 

We can still do things

 

I finally watched this movie.

Thanks to those that recommended it!

I liked it!

At the end of the movie, this was said:

I like this because I relate to it.

I didn't choose to be in the situation I'm in.

Sure, I could have done some things better,

but I didn't choose for my husband to have an affair.

And I didn't choose for that person to be someone I go to church with.

But it is what it is.

I can choose where I go from here.

It might not be what other people think I should choose

Or it might not even be the best choice for myself

But it is me that does the choosing.

 

And I CAN still do things.

For a while there I felt like my life was over

That I wanted to crawl in a hole and die

And I didn't want to DO anything!

Only just to feel sorry for myself and where my life has ended up.

I still have days like that

BUT

I can still DO things

And I can try to feel okay about them.

 

I can work on my yard and garden so that I can sit out there and enjoy spring and summer before it is gone again!

I can organize my house and get things done that I've always wanted to

I can plan fun things to do with my kids

I can spend more time with family

I can have my hobbies and enjoy them

I can make goals for the future

 

But while I CAN do things, there is plenty that I just CAN'T do

I can't go to the parks I know they met at

I can't get back on facebook

I can't involve myself in activities where she might be also

I can't be happy in this ward until she is gone

 

Yes, there are plenty of can'ts

But there IS comfort in knowing that I can still do things

And I can try really hard to feel okay about them.

So that I can feel some happiness again.

Rebuild Yourself

This is one of the quotes that inspired "Reinventing Elizabeth", along with the Untold Story one.

Falling apart SUCKS!!!! 

 Especially when I was feeling so good about who I was and what I was accomplishing. 

I thought I had a great life. 

I thought I had it all. 

But I guess our plan isn't always His plan. 

I've had a hard time accepting that.

But I can at least see that once I'm completely broken, and the pieces are shattered everywhere, it doesn't really make any sense to put myself together the exact same way. 

 It's a chance to fix the things that weren't working and be better. 

So really, I AM TRYING to see this as an opportunity. 

 It is so so very hard, when there is so much pain and hurting clouding my heart. 

But I guess trying is all I can do for now and it is better than nothing.

My review of "Felicity"

 

Ok, this is part of my nerdy-ness, but I love television.  What can I say? And Netflix is a DREAM because I love watching the entire series at once and not having to wait 5 years before seeing the end! Everyone really should watch TV this way. ;) (and by the way I am always doing something while I watch so I feel productive...laundry, dishes, cooking, etc...just so you know. haha)

 

Anyway, I remember watching SOME Felicity back when it was airing.  I think my husband and I would watch occasionally after we were married...so we probably only watched a season or two.  But we had watched enough to be able to recognize "Sean" and "Meghan" when we saw them together in the Salt Lake airport back around 2001 or something.  I'm not one that rushes to get autographs or anything, but my husband made me go say hello and tell them that we love Felicity. Greg Grunberg shook my hand. ;)

Anyway, I liked the first couple seasons because each episode would start and end with Felicity talking into a cassette tape that would be mailed to a friend and then we usually hear the friend talking in response at some point towards the end.  And in these "letters" they had some interesting things to say about life and I would write them down. Such as: 

 

"I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us.  And our mission is to never let it."

 

"I guess I'm learning little by little that we decide what our lives are going to be.  Things happen to us, but it's our reactions that matter."

 

"Bad things just happen.  No reason and no purpose.  They just occur and we are left to pick up the pieces.  I guess that's what we're all doing all the time.  Just picking up the pieces the best we can."

 

"I'm a firm believer in the power of change.  The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back."

 

So I was really enjoying these little pieces of inspiration, but then the last couple seasons changed.  They didn't do that anymore.  So I was a little disappointed that they didn't continue on that idea and on top of it all it got a little more depressing.  The characters really went through some crazy stuff.

 

So overall, if I have a rating from 0-5, I would give Felicity 3.5 stars.  I loved the characters...they did a great job with that. but I didn't like the turn that the story line took and then I didn't love how they ended it either.  It was creative, but seemed really weird for a show like this.  Worth watching if you need something to do. ;)

 

 

Happy AND Sad

Every spring, it's always an amazing sight to see buds on the trees but yet snow on the mountains.  (Can you see the mountains in the background? It's kind of hard to tell) In fact, here in Salt Lake City it seems to have snowed the last week in April for the last few years I've lived here! Just because there are buds doesn't mean the snow is gone for good.

I'm amazed that two completely different things can exist at the same time.  When I think about this, I think about the feelings and thoughts that go through my head.  About how one moment I am hurt, angry and feeling like the pain will never end and then the next moment I can actually feel like my life is good and feel the love I have with my husband.  Two completely different feelings kind of playing tug-a-war inside my mind and heart and they can change back and forth in an instant.

 

I haven't read the book The Perks of Being A Wallflower, but I found this quote from it:

Of course I would prefer to be happy.  Who wouldn't?  But I also know that we could not know true happiness without feeling the sad, which makes it hard to not be grateful for the sad.  I'm just tired of the back and forth.  Can I just be TRULY happy for a long stretch of time? That's all I ask.

After The Storm : Mumford & Sons

I love music.  One of my most recent favorite groups is Mumford & Sons and they have this song called "After The Storm".  Go ahead, push play and read through the lyrics as you listen. 

It could have a number of interpretations, but I choose to see the meaning to be about overcoming hardship and not letting yourself be destroyed over it. And learning to love one's self and being able to trust in love again. (all easier said than done, of course)

The chorus really hits me hard. I start to cry every time.  Will there be a time with no more tears? Where my heart will no longer get broken?  What is the hill I need to get over? Perhaps my hang-up over my situation...stuck in the same ward with her; being angry at her. I don't know.  But what a pleasant thought to make it over my hill and see what I find there with grace in my heart and flowers in my hair.  I wish I could be that beautiful person.....

 

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I will die alone
and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
because death is just so full
and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind
and what's before.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair

Will it ever get better?

It's amazing how good you can feel one day and how horrible the next.  Today I am crying, and wondering what I'm doing with myself.  Why am I blogging?  I wonder if I'm trying to fill a void that I feel in my life.  A void that is now present because of the betrayal.  I just feel like there's this big gaping hole and when I really think about it, I realize how empty I really feel.  I have no desire to reunite myself with friends in the ward and neighborhood. I feel I don't have the strength to hold a calling.  I can barely keep the attention span to read a book. 

But I think a big part of me misses my life before the affair happened. I miss who I was and how other people saw me and knew they could come to me as a friend. And it makes me sad.  I feel sad enough to just want to hole up in my bedroom and never come out. 

I'm sad that people I care(d) about could cause the hurt that I'm feeling.  I always felt like I was a good person with good intentions and I feel like I'm being punished for it.  I still have my days of wondering how I could have ended up here.  And wondering if I'll ever feel completely happy again. 

Days like today I wish I could just get away from it all.  I wish I could move far away and just start over. I just need a fresh start.  But what's the point in wishing for something that is not going to happen.  I am here and I need to deal with it.  Just not finding the strength today.

An Untold Story

The first post on a new blog is a little stressful.  It's like the opening number to a live show.  You know what I mean.  The loud music, bright lights, dancers doing flips across the stage.  You might even see some fire.  So you can see how I feel a lot of pressure to produce something awe-inspiring and thought provoking.

I'm not even sure a blog is a good idea.  I don't feel like I'm very good with articulating exactly what I want to get across.  I can never quite decide how I want to say things. 

 Despite my insecurities, I decided to start this blog when I came across the following quote :

And so, here I am, opening myself up to the world because really, I have an untold story.  And I HAVE felt the agony of keeping it inside  I'm just sorry that I have to be anonymous. It gets tricky because the things I'll blog about aren't ONLY mine to share.  You see, my husband had an emotional affair with one of my friends.  And as much as one might think he deserves to be left standing naked in the middle of the town square, it's not fair for me to expose him.  He's sorry for what he did and is trying hard to make up for it.  I still love him and I know that he loves me.  So you can understand that moving forward would be quite hard if our neighbors, friends and family knew the gory heavy details.

After the affair came to light, I disconnected from everything I had going on in my life.  I've even been off of facebook! I know...how could I do such a thing?!  I lost faith in a lot of things.  The biggest ones were probably friends and the way I spent my time.   How could I have been the best friend I could be to HER and she turns around and does this to me?  I am now unsure that ANYONE has been my friend.  And how could I have been so blind to see that my attention has been in the wrong places?  To quote one of my REAL friends, I used to be "someone who was very aware of other people, very creative, very excited about trying new things and meeting new people, and willing to put myself out there and be someone who people could count on".   But the way I see it right now, THAT person put my marriage and my happiness in danger. 

So now that I have so much time on my hands, I've decided to blog about REINVENTING myself.  A "rebirth" so to speak.  If I don't want to be the person I WAS, I've got to figure out who I want to be NOW or I am going to continue to feel LOST.  So be prepared to hear plenty of venting about what I've been through, but I also will share things I've learned about relationships with my husband, kids, family and friends as well as things that just make me happy!  I've had a hard time finding the happiness in life and so I'm hoping this blog will help revive me.  Thanks for listening!