Knock your husband's socks off this Valentine's Day

 Just to warn you, I'm just going to let myself go in this post.  Throw all caution to the wind.   Why is it a little bit hard for some of us to talk about the sexual nature of our relationships?!  It just feels like something that should be kept within the bedroom.  Ha!   BUT I am a big believer that we can all learn a lot from each other and I do think that sex should be included in that.  It's just as important a part of our relationships as anything else, and my blog DOES have a lot to do with helping you in your relationships. So here we go!

 

 

"She was standin' in the kitchen with nothin' but her apron on"

Oh yes.

You know where I'm going with this.

No more only having sex late at night with all the lights off.

Have a little fun, will ya?!

 

Some of you might remember this sweet little song, "Somewhere Other Than The Night" by Garth Brooks.  I'm not sure how many people it has inspired, but I know it inspired ME.  I really wanted to do something different last year for Valentines Day. I stepped out of my shell and let me tell you, it was completely worth it.  Here's what you can do:

 

Get rid of the kids before your husband gets home from work. Check!

Shower and shave your legs. Check!

Put on some panties and an apron. (nothing else!)  Check!

Be ready with ingredients to cook dinner together.  Check!

Optional...light some candles, put out some rose petals, set a the dinner table with some bubbly.  Check!

Have an apron ready for the hubby. (of course I'm not going to be the only naked one in the kitchen!) Check!

Be standing in the kitchen with nothing but your apron on when your hubby walks in. Check!

Make love before dinner.  NOPE!

PS: Does anyone REALLY say making love? I was trying to be more appropriate/romantic, but maybe I'll just say what I would normally say. haha

Do it after dinner.  NOPE!

Do it after you massage each other in front of the fire.  NOPE!

 

Don't get me wrong...do plenty of touching, kissing, whatever, but after dinner and after giving each other a massage, we got dressed and went to a movie!! We found ourselves to be very cuddly and touchy feely at the movie and by the time we got home, we were REA-DY.

 

And let me tell you...it was one of the best sexual experiences I've had in my 13 years of marriage....for both of us!

Hope you'll try it! ;)

Gossip Girl, Soulmates & Protecting Your Relationship

 I have finished yet another television series on Netflix!  Honestly, I started this one out of pure boredom...I needed a new show to watch as I did chores around the house and I couldn't really find one that stood out to me.  I am a HUGE 'judge a book by it's cover' person, even though I know it's wrong...I can't help it!  I always REFUSED to watch Gossip Girl because it looked so, well, for a lack of a better word...slutty.  I kept thinking there have GOT to be other shows out there like Parenthood (all time favorite), but I searched and searched and can never find anything! If you have any favorites, please comment! haha

 

ANYWAY, Gossip Girl always DID catch my eye because I knew Blake Lively from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and LOVE that movie.

 

AND I knew Leighton Meester from Country Strong...

 

 

SOOOOOOO, I gave in.  I tried the first episode.  I think I rolled my eyes because it was exactly how I expected it to be.  BUT, I let myself watch a few episodes and of course, it hooked me in...I wanted to see what happens with these characters.  

 

Would I recommend it? Eh, I don't know...it was interesting...but seriously just like a soap opera, but glammed up.  haha Seriously, all of the main characters had dated and/or slept with everyone in the main group at one time or another, but of course they were all still friends in the end. ;)  A little ridiculous if you ask me, but oh well...I watched it...all 6 seasons! 

It did, however, reinforce something I always knew. 

The importance of protecting your relationship.

 

I'm not sure I believe in soul mates.

I don't think that there is ONLY one person that can make you happy

or that there is ONLY one person you click with completely

 

I believe

that if you spend enough time with a person,

that you can grow to love them.

Just as many people will say that their love for their spouse GROWS with every passing day.

Look at arranged marriages...yes, not every one of them ends up perfectly happy,

BUT, there are so many that DO!

They perhaps start more as a friendship

but as they spend so much time together and learn more about each other,

 it gives them the opportunity to connect emotionally,

which often times leads to LOVE.

 

Look at how many times we hear about actors or actresses that get divorced and end up with someone they worked with in a movie!

Is it because they finally found the person they were MEANT to be with?!

NO! I don't think so AT ALL.

I think it's because they spent hundreds of hours working intimately with this person

and love grew out of that friendship.

 

What I'm trying to say is

 BE CAREFUL of friendships of the opposite sex.

I'm not going to say that you can't be "friends" with a member of the opposite sex

But I AM going to say I don't believe that it is a very SAFE place.

 

I have watched my husband over the years be very friendly with everyone he meets

He is a good friend

He is easy to talk to

He enjoys good conversation with other people.

But many times when he has let himself talk to another woman more than he should,

it gets out of hand. 

Without him meaning it to.

 

But that's just it. 

We are human

We are going to make mistakes

BUT that doesn't mean we can't take appropriate measures to help assure we don't keep making the same ones, right? 

Boundaries are OK. 

It is so important to safeguard our relationship.

Anything can happen.

I'm telling you people, ANYTHING can happen.

And it can happen completely out of the blue.

Just be careful.

That's all I wanted to say.

Say Something

 

This is a REALLY popular song right now

"Say Something" by A Great Big World, feat Christina Aguilera

I hear it all over the radio

It really is beautiful to listen to

But can be so sad when you really listen to the words

Push play and follow the lyrics below

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 I'll be the one, if you want me to.

 Anywhere I would've followed you.

 Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

And I am feeling so small.

 It was over my head

 I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.

 I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl.

Say something,

 

I'm giving up on you.

 I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere I would've followed you.

 Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

And I will swallow my pride.

 You're the one that I love

 And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

 And anywhere I would've followed you.

Oh-oh-oh-oh

 Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 Say something...

 

 

I'm sure this song can be interpreted a number of ways

The video itself poses 3 different situations someone might be in when relating to this song

It touched me most when relating to a couple struggling in their relationship

 

My favorite part of the lyrics are

"I know nothing at all

And I will stumble & fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl"

 

It is SO TRUE!

Isn't it?

I don't think there is anyone on this earth that knows how to love perfectly

There are so many factors that affect how we love

How we grew up

The people who loved us and raised us

And then you meet someone who may have learned how to love in a different way

And then everything we experience along the way

 changes who we are and how we love

 

When my husband cheated on me,

it wasn't physical

It was emotional

And going through that experience taught me that

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

I had barely touched the surface of what it means to love

There were so many things I wasn't doing

Because I hadn't yet learned how

 

That's why second chances are so important

Instead of getting so frustrated or angry with our spouse over something we feel they should have
already KNOWN how to do,

We need to understand that we are all still learning

So SAY SOMETHING

Talk to your spouse in a loving way

Let them know that you love them

But that you need something to change

Have a heartfelt conversation

 

And if you are on the receiving end of this plea

LISTEN and then SAY SOMETHING back

Don't let yourself get defensive

Don't let yourself feel judged

Don't let yourself pull away from them right when they are trying to reach out.

Your version of the song doesn't have to include

"And I'm saying goodbye"

Relating to Parenthood, the TV show

Absolutely LOVE this show! The actors are so REAL and genuine...they do an amazing job.  It's the kind of show you wish would just go on FOREVER!! My husband and I watch this together and I love it.  Lots of FEEL GOOD moments that can bring you closer together.  There are also so many story lines that people in all different situations can relate to.  I highly, highly recommend this show.

 

The most recent episodes have been a little difficult to watch for me. We are in the middle of season 5 and Julia and Joel have been having a hard time in the marriage.  Joel's job has been very demanding of his time and they have been feeling a DISCONNECT. This will happen to all of us. I have mentioned before, that it is just normal that there will be times of disconnect in our relationships.  That's not the bad part.  The bad part is when we don't recognize it until it's too late, OR we recognize it, but don't do anything about it.

In Joel and Julia's case...they just can't get on the same page.  And in the meantime, there is another parent from their kids school, Ed Brooks, that has formed a friendship with Julia.  They have formed feelings for each other and when Julia recognized that this was not appropriate, she tried to tell Ed that they can't be friends anymore.  Needless to say, that conversation ended with Ed kissing her.  

 

This storyline really hits home with me.  My husband's affair started the same way.  He formed a friendship with another woman and he felt connected to her in a way that he had NOT been feeling with me at that time.  In this type of situation, the persons involved don't go into the friendship looking for an affair or planning on one.  IT JUST HAPPENS. IT JUST HAPPENS people. 

 

Julia didn't know what to do...she was confused for her feelings for Ed...she feels like he "Sees" her.  It is just SO crazy, because this is what my husband had told me about the woman he had the affair with.  "She understood him". 

She went to her older brother Adam and I LOVE the advice he gave her:

"Julia, listen to me, whatever is feeling good right now about Ed, is just related to how bad things are feeling with Joel, alright?  And it is not worth it.  It's not about him, this is about you and Joel. And you've got to focus on your marriage.  It's about you and your family. It's not worth it, ok? You've got to get this guy out of your life and forget about him.  Figure your stuff out with Joel. "

Isn't that amazing? I wish that everyone had someone like that to talk to...to get them back on course when confused.  I hope that can speak to any of you out there that might be feeling a disconnect with your spouse and feeling like turning to someone else who you feel might understand you better.  DON'T DO IT.  IT'S NOT WORTH IT.  YOU CAN GET BACK WHAT YOU HAD WITH YOUR SPOUSE.  YOU CAN! The disconnect doesn't mean it's over and the new connection does NOT mean you might be meant to be with that other person.  But you need to TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE about it.  Get help if you need to. But your marriage CAN and WILL get better if you both work on it.

 The other part that really hit home was the part where Joel confronted Julia and asked if she was having an affair.  BEGGED HER TO TELL HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON.  That if there is anything he needed to know to TELL HIM PLEASE!

 

I had a moment like that before finding out about the affair.  I confronted my husband and asked "Is there something going on?"  And he did just as Julia did and told me No, there's nothing going on.  But I'm telling you....WE FEEL IT.  We may not be able to articulate that it's an affair or whatever, but we FEEL THAT SOMETHING IS OFF.  I talked more about this experience here: http://mrdarcycheated.blogspot.com/2013/08/a-freaky-journal-entry.html

I just WISH he would have talked to me about it!!!! I had NO CLUE that anything was feeling off in our marriage.  I would do anything to go back and have him tell me the truth in that moment. JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER PEOPLE! The truth needs to come out for the fixing to begin.

 

Not everyone has a happy ending to these situations.  Sometimes the betrayed party feels that it is too hard to get over and would rather leave than work on it.  Sometimes the one who betrayed decides to see if the grass is greener on the other side.  But I am CROSSING MY FINGERS that Joel and Julia can work this out and we can see more of this:

 

Feeling crazy like Gatsby

We just recently rented The Great Gatsby.  I read this book in high school, but didn't remember much about it other than I don't think I liked it and thought it was boring.  I really think Baz Lurman brought this book to life on the screen.  He was the director of Moulin Rouge also, and you can tell when you watch.  The styles are similar....eye candy.  LOVED Moulin Rouge. 

 Gatsby said something towards the end of the film that struck me:

"If I can just get back to the start...."

He was obsessed with wiping out the 5 years he had lost with his love Daisy.  But he was not just wanting to start over, he was wanting to pretend those 5 years didn't exist basically.  He kind of seemed like he wasn't right in the head, but I sort of got it.  

How many times have I wished that POOF, all the bad things could be whisked away from my memory and I could be sent back in time to do it all over again.  But do it in a better way of course.  In a way that avoids all the pain and heartache.  So many times I've wished this.  That's all Gatsby wanted.  He just wanted to start over.  

 

Nick Carraway told him: “You can’t repeat the past.”

 

“Can’t repeat the past?” he cried incredulously. “Why of course you can!”

 

And he was dead set on making that happen! haha  Sure, he sounds a little crazy, but that HOPE that you feel from him.  You almost believe him!

 

It's just too bad that he lost everything by being obsessed with this goal. If he had just accepted the past for what it was and let it go, he could have moved forward with the love of his life and lived happily ever after. 

 

So yes, I sometimes feel a little crazy like Gatsby, but I do understand that what is done is done.  It's in the past.  There's no redoing it.  No matter how hard a person tries...the past can't be forgotten. It becomes a part of you. It changes you.  Sometimes for the worse, but hopefully for the better. Accepting this is part of moving on.  It won't make everything better, but it's a start.  

6 ways to stay TUNED IN to your spouse

I started reading this book, Fall In Love For Life, and I've been excited about it.  I will be sharing more things from this, but one thing she says deals with affairs and also with tuning in to your partner.

 

On having affairs  

"Some people have affairs because they tell themselves that they deserve more attention than they get at home. Or maybe they get annoyed because they feel that all of their needs aren't getting met by their partner. Well, whoever told them that one person could meet their every need? You can actually live quite comfortably without having all of your needs met. Try thinking about it that way; you might be surprised how liberating it is. You are not perfect, and neither is your partner, but you can make a very pleasant life together if you are both serious about providing the love and support that go along with a marriage."

I do believe it's true that we can't be expected to meet EVERY need of our spouse, but we need to remember that as human beings, we NEED TO FEEL LIKE SOMEONE CARES about us.  And I believe that so many affairs could be prevented if both spouses felt like their partner was truly TUNED IN to them.  

Cutie Cooper also says : On tuning in to your partner

"I think the place where good marriages break down is when one or both parties begin to take the other person for granted. And yet it's understandable that this happens. Life is complicated and can be exhausting, so there is always a temptation when you get home to just tune out, because home is one place where you should feel safe enough to let your guard down this way. But there's a difference between relaxing and disengaging, and while relaxing is a healthy way to recharge your psychic and spiritual batteries, disengaging is a drain on you and your relationships. Nothing is more important than that you recognize the difference and stay present for all the people you love."  

I teared up a little when I read that because that is one BIG mistake that I have made over the years.  I would DISENGAGE from my husband without even knowing it.  I thought I was listening, but I wasn't always fully PRESENT. I'm a busy person!

My husband does NOT blame me for his affair, but as we go to therapy we talk about feelings and he has often felt that I don't care about him or anything he has to say or that I'm not interested.  I was flabbergasted!! Of course I CARE and am INTERESTED.  But because I wasn't fully tuning in and engaging, I gave him the impression that I didn't REALLY care. 

 

And all it took was for another woman to pay attention to him and it made him feel good and things went downhill from there. :(

TAKE IT FROM ME:

1.  STOP AND LISTEN : When your partner starts to talk about something, STOP whatever it is you're doing or thinking and LISTEN!  No matter what it is...it could be a joke he read out of the reader's digest.  The point IS that he is talking to you because he wants to connect and while the joke might not seem important, it is important to HIM or he wouldn't be sharing! So LISTEN and ENGAGE!  It's an opportunity to connect with who you love.

2.  EYE CONTACT : From "The Art of Manliness Blog", he says that "eye contact shows attention and creates an intimate bond.  It shows the speaker that you're tuned in to what he's saying and it creates moments where you are really able to feel what he is feeling and it leaves the receiver of your gaze feeling more positive about your interaction and CONNECTED to you".   As we go through therapy, the counselor always makes sure we are looking at each other when trying to convey our feelings. It works!!  You are also less likely to be angry or yell at your spouse if you are sitting across from them looking into their eyes.

3.  BE HONEST : If you get distracted and really can NOT listen, then kindly stop him and let him know you want to hear the rest of it, but to give you a minute or something.  The worst thing I've done is to sort of half listen because I didn't want to be rude and I couldn't stop what I was doing.  But when I would do that, I missed something he said or sometimes couldn't even remember it later! That makes the other person feel like you didn't really care what they had to say.

4.  BE INTERESTED I love how Danielle said it from her blog "Fancy Little Things" : "Get excited about the things they get excited about!  If it isn’t necessarily your ‘cup of tea’, so what!  Try a sip!  You may just like it."  I am telling you, I found this to be true!  After I found out about the affair and I dropped many of the things that were keeping me occupied, all I wanted to do was be with him and it just so happened to be football season, so I sat with him while it was on, even though I didn't really care for it and never have.  He is a huge fan of a certain team and he would tell me about the players and explain the game to me and who would have EVER thought, but I BECAME A FAN TOO! And now I really do enjoy watching.  Do I have to watch EVERY sports game? No, but I enjoy keeping up with the team that he loves. And I love to watch him get excited to tell me about it.  I feel good that he knows he can come to me and I'm interested.

5.  ASK QUESTIONS : Don't always let him be the one to come to you.  Beat him to it and ask him how his day was and then follow all the suggestions above. ;)   Going above and beyond  would be to ask questions about something he's previously talked about...FOLLOW UP on something he was working on the day before or a problem he might have been working through, etc. 

6. GO TO BED AT THE SAME TIME : Ok, so this might be a hard one and it might not be able to be done every night.  But this MUST happen at least a few times a week.  Our days are so busy that realistically there is probably no time to TALK until you are both laying in bed at the end of the day.  It's strange how just laying there together can spark conversation about things you didn't even know you might talk about.  I can't emphasize how important this one is.  Start now!

This might seem like a lot. Just remember that as long as you're making a conscious effort, you'll be just fine.  It also needs to work on both ends.  So if you are the one that feels like your partner doesn't care, you can sit down with them, make eye contact and share your feelings and maybe even share this post. ;) 

 

10 ways to have the Best Date Night

 

The purpose of Date Night is the time to RECONNECT and REDISCOVER each other and leave the demands of the daily schedule behind. 

 

You've probably heard this from me before, but it is impossible stay connected throughout an entire marriage without working for it.  A marriage consists of the cycle of connecting, disconnecting, and reconnecting again.  The disconnection is inevitable.  In fact, the trouble in a marriage (i.e. an affair) doesn't stem from the DISCONNECTION, but when we don't make the effort to RECONNECT when needed! 

 

People often misunderstand that in order to have a good date night, it must be well planned, elaborate or expensive.  While all of these things can contribute to amazing date nights, they are not necessary to having some of the best dates of your life.  You will find that the best date nights don't rely on what you DO on them, as much as what you FEEL from them.  We need to feel CONNECTED to each other.  And when we feel connected we feel happier and more secure in our relationship.  Here are 10 ways you can be sure to connect on date night:

 

1.  Touching.  Let me start by saying that it is not a true date night without touching each other.  Hold hands, touch their back, give their leg a squeeze, lean in for a kiss, the possibilities are endless.

2.  Meaningful Conversation.  Put your phones away and focus on each other!  In a world where texting is becoming the dominant way to communicate, chances for a one on one conversation are more important than ever! If you need help, you can always google conversations starters, like my 50 random questions found HERE.
3. Take turns doing what the other person loves to do.  You may not love going to a sporting event or you might despise the idea of taking a cooking class together, but if you know your spouse would thoroughly enjoy this, then let yourself find out why!!  Not only might you learn something new from your spouse, but they will feel more connected to you, knowing you care about the things they love.
4.  Planning.  I don't mean spending hours working up the perfect date.  But just enough thought into it to make sure you are not falling back on what is easiest and most convenient. It might even be fun taking turns deciding what you're going to do for date night.
5. Touch each other! PS: there are no rules on PDA when you are married. Who cares if it bothers other people, you are trying to connect with your lover!
6. Try new things.  Get out of your comfort zone.  We know you love the rolls at Texas Roadhouse, or that you crave the Tomato Basil Soup at Zupas.  But it's not going to hurt you to go somewhere NEW.  New foods and places not only stimulate new taste buds, but new growth! It may not be a wonderful experience every time, but it will at least give you something to talk about!
7.  Simplify.  No need to be elaborate.  Go out to eat and then stop at a park and play cards on a blanket. Or take the game home in front of the fire with drinks on a chilly evening.  The phrase "go big or go home" does not apply to date night.
8. Did I mention touching? Heck, find a place to park and do it in the back seat.  You'd be surprised what this will do for your connection. ;)
9.  Wake Up!  Yes, we all start to feel older as the years go by. And yes, we might like to be in bed by 9:30pm, but shake it off!  Stop thinking about how tired you are and let yourself feel alive again and have fun! 
10.  Feel the love.  Take a moment to look at your wife or husband and remember what you love about them.  Just a second to REALLY look at them and ENJOY being there with them.  It's easy to become SO comfortable in our relationship that we stop thinking about how truly blessed we are to be with the person we love.  Be thankful and feel free to mention it. Or even better, show them through touch. ;)

"Bottom line is, marriage is HARD"

Let me start by saying I watch a lot of tv and movies on Netflix.  I work on the computer a lot and I used to like to listen to music while I did that, or while I cleaned the house, but now I like to watch shows.  haha  So I kind of watch whatever jumps out at me, or peaks my curiosity. 

I came upon The Kids Are Alright and I was curious about it mainly because I liked all the actors, but also because it had been nominated for an Oscar for best picture and won the Golden Globe for best picture in 2011. 

 

Honestly... I didn't love it.  It was ok, but I probably won't ever watch it again or recommend it.  I give it a 2.5 out of 5 stars. BUT there were a few "moments" that stood out to me that I wanted to share. 

 

One of the main characters had an affair and everyone in the house was upset with her and giving her the cold shoulder and finally when she couldn't take it anymore, she stands in front of her family and says:

 

"Bottom line is, marriage is hard.  It's really freaking hard.  It's just two people sloggin through the crap, year after year, getting older, changing.  It's a freaking marathon, ok? So sometimes, you know, you're together so long, you stop seeing the other person and just see weird projections of your own junk.  Um, instead of talking to each other, you go off the rails and act grubby and make stupid choices.  Which is what I did, and I feel sick about it because I love you guys, and I love your mom, and that's the truth.  Sometimes you hurt the ones you love the most.  I don't know why."

A few things rang true to me in that speech. 

First, that marriage IS hard.  And anyone who says it isn't is either lying or has amnesia. 

Second, it is just a fact that we are all going to change as the years pass.  We learn, we grow, we become different people almost.  Some more than others.  But this is SO important to realize in a marriage because we don't need to be afraid of changes, but we do need to acknowledge and accept them and figure out how to work around them.

Third, when you are with someone for so long, it's easy to get stuck in the same mundane routine day after day and we start to lose sight of what is important in a marriage.  Yes, the mundane routine is probably unavoidable if you are human.  BUT You don't have to only have vanilla ice cream every single day!  While vanilla ice cream MUST be eaten every day, it doesn't mean you can't throw some different toppings on here and there to spice it up a little! Catch my drift? 

Fourth, the WORST thing you can do when the above three things are happening is to keep your thoughts to yourself.  You must TALK to each other!!  Talk about what's hard.  Talk about the changes you are feeling.  Talk about what's missing from your marriage.  Talking will help you to CONNECT again and to make sure that you don't "go off the rails and make stupid choices."

And lastly, stupid choices are probably inevitable for everyone.  Nobody is perfect.  Nobody knows how to be in a perfect marriage.  For some darned reason, we DO hurt the ones we love the most.  You don't know how many times I've asked myself WHY?!!  WHY would we do such things that break our loved ones in two?  We just do.  So the best we can do is pick ourselves up and keep trying.  Learn from the stupid choices and try your hardest to not let it happen again. 

I did like how the movie ended.  The couple decided to stay together and work on what they had.  Hopefully they were able to learn from their stupid choices and continue to love each other and live life to the fullest and find happiness again.  I think that's what we all hope for ourselves, don't you think?

On a positive note

Again, I'm sorry for being so depressing this last while!

And again, no one is probably listening, but I still feel the need to apologize.

 

Now that I got all that out, I felt the need to let you know that we have come a long way in the last year, my husband and I.

 

One year later I feel like he loves me 100%.

One year later I feel like I love him 100%.

One year later I am finding things that make me happy and trying to focus on them.

One year later I am feeling like my husband and I are better friends than we ever have been our entire marriage.
One year later I feel like we have a deep, emotional connection that we've never had before

One year later I feel like I can turn to my husband for comfort and know he will be there for me.

One year later I feel like I am important, that I am needed, that I am loved

One year later I feel like we actually made it through the hell that we went through
One year later I can say that I'm thankful that we have made it through this.

One year later I can say that I will be loved by this man for the rest of eternity.

 

So things may not be all the way better

But there are plenty of things to be thankful for

I was trying to think what kind of picture I would add to this post

and I thought of a sunrise.

As I searched for one I liked

I remembered one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies of all time

Pride and Prejudice

I wanted to share it with you.

I particulary love the music in the first minute or so

while her love is walking towards her

and I love that throughout the scene the sun is rising.

I'm sorry I'm such a nerd, but here is the scene

Thanks for listening  

It takes two to tango

I've been absent for a while.  Between a bout of depression, sick kids,  kids being off track from school, and good weather forcing me to be outside doing yardwork, I guess I just haven't felt much like writing. 

But I was inspired today to talk about something I've learned about marriage. 

 

The sad part is that no matter how hard you are trying to keep your marriage together,  if the other person doesn't want to work, there is nothing you can do about it.  And you get to a point where you need to let it go to be happy again. 

 

If you want your marriage to be a success, then it takes BOTH of you.  It can't be 1 person giving the other their way the entire marriage.  While this may maintain peace in the home, it is not healthy for the person who is doing all the giving in.   That is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

But what IS the definition of a successful marriage?

Opinions might vary on this, but in my opinion it consists of:

 

 BOTH people feel loved, cared for and respected by each other.

 BOTH people are willing to do anything in their power to make each other happy. 

BOTH people are willing to admit their inadequacies and work on them.

BOTH people feel able to tell their partner anything and they will feel accepted and not judged.

 

I could probably come up with more, but this is what came to mind at the moment

I am curious what some of you might add to this list. Please, feel free to share.

 

When my husband and I went to our first counseling session, we each got the following sheet of paper and our counselor asked us to mark our TOP FOUR.  The four that we felt were most important to feeling a connection with our spouse.  What was SO interesting was that we both did not mark one that was the same.  It helped us to realize which items were most important to each other and to focus on those the most.  Because while you may be stellar at providing 8 of those for your spouse, if you are missing the 4 that are most important to THEM, then your connection is not going to be as strong.  But if you can both recognize the things that help your spouse feel connected to you and help to provide those things for them, then I believe your marriage will be a success.   

 

Go ahead and right click and save this to your desktop and you can print it out and give it a try

 

 

To make this most effective, you each need to mark your top four, but then you need to share them with each other and even discuss what those four mean to you.  It takes two to tango.  Hopefully you are both willing to dance together. ;)

Why I Fight For My Marriage

 

It's a question no one wants to think about.

What would YOU do if your husband cheated on you?

As women, I think we'd want to be strong

and kick him to the curb!

Is that being strong?

I suppose in some situations it could be

But in mine, it would have been the easy way out.

 

I'd like to think I'm being strong

by STAYING and FIGHTING for my marriage.

 

For me, I knew the man that cheated on me was not the same man I married

But I BELIEVED he was still in there somewhere

 I chose to give him a second chance

And the time it took to come back to me

I chose to fight for the love I knew we had always had

and to HOPE that we could find it again.

 

It was NOT easy

It was one of the hardest things I've ever done

But I'm so grateful I did.

Because even though a terrible mistake happened,

I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else.

 

I got the above quote from the TV series "Brothers & Sisters"

You can see the full quote below

When I heard it, it really struck a chord with me.

That I wasn't only fighting for ME, or for HIM

But I was fighting for US

I was fighting for our FAMILY

 

So why do I fight for my marriage?

Because it is worth fighting for.

 

 

You Make It Real

The next few posts will revolve a little bit around the TV series "Brothers & Sisters".  It's the latest series that I've finished on Netflix and I LOVE when I find some treasures from watching television.  It makes me feel a little better about watching when I can get something from it. ;)

Anyway, at the end of Season 5, Episode 1, a song started to play and I HAD to find out what it was.  So I wanted to share.  James Morrison's "You Make It Real" There's so much craziness surrounding me,
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me,
You make it real for me

When I'm not sure of my priorities,
When I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
And like holy water washing over me,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak,
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand,
You've got to be the only one who knows just who I am
And you're shining in the distance,
I hope I can make it through
'Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn,
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
'Cause you are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me
You make it real for me

The Power of Validation : Part 2

Before reading this, it would be helpful if you would read The Power of Validation : Part 1 because it talks about what Validation is and gives some examples of validating statements.  And I want to remind you that even though I talk about it in terms of a marriage relationship, this also relates to your relationships with your children as well. 

For this post I'm going to talk about things that might get in the way of being able to validate someone's feelings. I'm going to start with the things I feel were getting in MY way :

 

#1: I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO VALIDATE : I lacked the specific relationship skills needed to know how to do this.  I have since learned that this was not present in my own home growing up, which put me at a disadvantage. But this is a chance to learn and I promise you, it will be rewarding.

#2. My reactions to his emotions come on so quickly : Anything he was feeling, I immediately felt emotional about them. Either because I might have been thinking that he felt that way because of me, or of something I wasn't doing good enough, etc.  And so then I would find myself being defensive and dismissing his feelings or I would start to cry about it.  It didn't even give him a chance to get his feelings out and turned into him comforting me, instead of the opposite way around.

#3. Most of the time I didn't agree with the reason he was experiencing his feelings : I think deep down I felt like that if I acknowledged his feelings in a caring manner, then it would give the impression that whatever happened was OK. And it certainly was not OK. I would get stuck needing to be "right" instead of letting him have his feelings.

#4. My habit might be to teach and fix the problem : If his feelings were based on a mistake, I was sure to point that out and how he could have done better. That "no wonder he was feeling that way". He wouldn't be feeling that if he would have just made a smart decision in the first place!  I wish I would have understood that I can't fix all his problems, and that only he could be the one to do that.  But just by listening and being there can make a world of difference.
 

Some other reasons that might get in the way are:

-If I validate, I won't be heard (or my pain won't be understood)

-If I validate, it will only enable the destructive behaviors

- If I validate, they will get stuck in complaining about their problem

-If I validate, their emotions will escalate and get out of control

You might be able to relate to some of these more than others, but it will do you some good to look at your relationships and see if you have been able to use validation and if not, what is getting in the way?

I learned the hard way what could happen when my spouse wasn't feeling validated.  He found someone that could do that for him!  He did not go looking for this...in fact, he probably wouldn't even be able to articulate that he was needing that.  But with me, he started to feel like it wasn't ok for him to have his emotions and feelings the way he has them. Or he didn't feel that I loved, accepted or valued him as much if he made a mistake.  I appeared to be so disappointed that it was easier to NOT talk to me than to try anymore. But again, he was just in "that's the way it is" mode.

Have you ever heard your spouse tell you, "I just don't feel like I can talk to you about certain things" or "I should have told you, but I was too embarrassed" or "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me". "I don't feel like you care about what I'm going through".

Was your response like mine in saying things like "Don't be silly! Of course I care about you!" or "There's no reason you should ever feel embarrassed with me!" or " I don't understand why you feel like you can't talk to me! I'm here for you!"   Well, that is not validation.  You need say that it must be so hard to feel that way and that you are so sorry that you've made him feel like he can't come to you. And then you can try to figure out specifically what you are doing that is making him feel this way and try to learn to validate feelings a little better. 

Unfortunately, if this is happening in your marriage, it is most likely happening with your children as well.   And we especially want them to be able to come to us and be able to tell us anything.  So now is the time to learn about how to do this better.  Our relationships depend upon it!!

And to clarify, I don't mean to say that just because you lack certain relationship skills doesn't mean that an affair will most definitely happen.  I am simply sharing what I've learned about myself and my relationship, in hopes that I can help anyone out there. 

The Ultimate Bookstore Date

retrieved off google, from modernlywed.com

 My preface to this post is to emphasize the importance of DATING within your marriage.  If all you have time for is dinner, then that is better than nothing.  You can even discuss some of my fun questions over dinner, to make conversation a little more interesting. ;) But whatever you do, make it a goal to make sure you and your spouse are using the time to CONNECT with each other!

 

My husband and I went to dinner one night and then had some time to kill.  It was a cold wintery night, so anything outside was completely out of the picture.
 

Me: "bowling?" Him: "eh"

Him: "movie?" Me : "a little boring?"

To my surprise...

Him: "Let's go to a book store. I wonder if there is some kind of scavenger hunt ideas online"

Me : "ok! let me look something up!" (really thinking, "who IS this man sitting next to me?")

 

So I googled bookstore treasure hunt date and got inspiration from here and here.  

We were in the car and unable to print anything out from these websites, so I got out a pen and tore a piece of paper into strips and on each strip I wrote down something to search for. Then we would draw one out of a cup and gave ourselves 5 minutes to find the item and then return to our meeting spot. 

 

It was a pretty good date for being on the spur of the moment, but I made it my goal to revise our game a little, fix the things that didn't work so well, find some new ideas to add to it and then try it again sometime. 

 

 One of the sites we used, only had you searching for certain words in a book like Poke, Nibble, Snatch (which was hard and tedious by the way) and even antidisestablishmentarianism. As soon as I saw that word I freaked out because I remembered it from a little sesame street movie we own called "What's The Name of That Song" (which even I enjoyed watching. Would highly recommend this. haha) But my husband didn't believe me, so I had to find the clip the next day and text it to him. We thought it was pretty funny.

Ok, sorry, let's get back on track....

 

As I searched for more ideas, I was surprised to find so many other couples out there also having fun on a Bookstore Date! I found more inspiration from The Dating Divas, Love Actually,  and I found this guy blogger that had some really interesting points about a bookstore date HERE.

 

SO, by combining everything I've learned and experienced, I've created THE ULTIMATE BOOKSTORE DATE!

 

Below, you will find the search items.  Right click on it and save it to your computer, then you should be able to print it out and cut it into strips.  Fold in half and put in a ziplock bag that you can put in your purse and take with you.

 

  

There are different levels that you can play this game:

SUPER EASY GOING: choose a search item from your bag and look for it together while holding hands. 

 

NOT TOO INTENSE : choose a search item from your bag and try to bring it back to your meeting place within 15 minutes.  This is good if you like to browse and take your time. You will not get through all of the search items, but you can save them for another day

 

SEMI - COMPETITIVE : choose a search item from your bag and give yourself 8 minutes to find it, but the first person back to the meeting spot wins that round. The person who wins the most rounds gets to choose where to go for dessert!  

 

VERY COMPETITIVE:  be prepared with an extra sheet of paper to keep POINTS! choose a search item from your bag and start your phone timers at the same time for 5 minutes and then GO! Split up and find the item as fast as you can.

*1 point for actually finding a book (you'd be surprise how hard it can be to find a certain book in 5 minutes)

*1 point for the person who returned first (with a book in hand)

*1 point for whoever did better with their book selection...try to be fair ;)

The person with the most points gets to pick where to go for dessert!

 

EXTRA TIPS TO MAKE THIS DATE SUCCESSFUL:

*if you pass your date while searching for the book you can exchange a kiss, a tickle or a bum-grab

*be sure to spend a few minutes talking about the books you found

*take pictures of the books you found so you can remember what it is you or your spouse wanted to 'learn more about' or the 'recipe to cook for a future date' or your 'all-time favorite book', etc.  Just so you can remember and maybe purchase the book in the future

*go home and look up the 'places you want to visit' and make a plan to visit one of them within the next 3 years

*REALLY use the recipe you found and cook it TOGETHER on a future date

*purchase the book that could help you in the bedroom and put it into practice right away

 

If you are interested in a more LITERARY scavenger hunt, I found some good questions HERE. 

The Power of Validation : Part 1

 (quick disclaimer: For the betrayed spouse, an affair is NEVER your fault! But it doesn't hurt to try to get to the root of what things might have contributed to the affair happening.  It seems only logical to do this in attempt to prevent something like this from happening ever again)

The Power of Validation : Part 1 : WHAT IS VALIDATION?

Because of the affair, I've learned of one concept that has not been seen often in our marriage.  It's the concept of VALIDATION.  But I'm learning more and more how INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT this concept is and how different our marriage would have ended up, had it been practiced regularly.

I'm embarrassed to admit that before the affair happened and before any therapy, I did NOT know what validation was.  At least in an emotional way.  And all of this information is not only helpful in your marriage but with your children as well!! Our therapist gave us a handout that stated the following:

"Validation occurs when we confirm, mostly through our words, that other people can have their own emotional experiences.  It is NOT agreeing with their emotional experience, but it is reassuring them that it is OKAY FOR THEM TO FEEL THE WAY THAT THEY DO.  This brings about feelings of being understood, which is the beginning for emotional safety. When people feel emotionally safe, they share more.  As they share more, we learn more, and are more likely to help them in a supportive non-threatening way."
 

Some examples of validating statements:

-"I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through"

"If must be difficult to feel so sad"
"It makes sense that you would be feeling that way."
"That must have been frustrating"
"Let me make sure I understand, so you are feeling..."
More validating statement examples

 

 

The important thing is to remember that in that moment, you need to focus on what the person is FEELING and not necessarily the situation or whatever might have happened.  And try not to make it about yourself!  (Things you should not say)

 

Before the affair happened, my husband would not have been able to articulate that he was not being validated.  That's the hard part.  We didn't realize what was happening under the surface.  By not being validated, my husband would pretty much shove his feelings aside and try and forget them.

 

He would never have said he was unhappy in our marriage, but he just thought that's "the way things are" when you are married and you just deal with it. He just wanted me to be happy and apparently I didn't appear too happy when he shared his feelings, so he decided not to do so as often. We do NOT want this to happen because emotional validation is a basic human need.  We all need and crave it more than we realize.

 

In my situation, not only did the other woman show interest in my husband's life, which made him feel good, he was also able to share his deepest and darkest feelings and she, having been to therapy for several years already, knew how to validate his feelings and made him feel valued and accepted no matter what. When he felt valued and accepted by this woman, he thought that only this woman could do that for him and that she must be his soul mate and THOUGHT he was in love. When really, it was a simple concept that anyone could implement in their relationship if practiced.  

 

Since then, my husband has come around and has realized that there are things we both need to work on in this marriage and that it IS worth the time and effort.  He has since realized the whole affair was stupid and he is so sorry that it happened. We continue to go see a therapist to help us with concepts such as validation and we have noticed a huge difference in the way we talk to each other and in the way we feel when we have these conversations. 

 

This week I will be posting more about validation. I hope that I can help any of you out there learn all you can about this concept that can improve any kind of relationship.  Whether with your spouse, your parents, your children, etc.  If you have any questions, please ask...I will try my best to help!!

For further reading:
 How To Validate Your Spouse's Feelings - Messy Marriage
What is Validation and Why Do I Need To Know? - Psych Central
The Art of Relating : Validation Starvation - The Healthy Planet