Love The One You Hold

I know Valentine's Day is past, but I wanted to share one of my favorite songs lately.  It's Lover Of The Light by Mumford and Sons.

 

As I always say, songs can be interpreted in a number of ways, but I especially love the chorus of this one.

 

"But love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light"

 

Commit to the person you are already with!  Make an effort and I strongly believe that you will find "gold" and "light" in your relationship!!

Here are all the lyrics for you:

 

And in the middle of the night

 I may watch you go.

 There'll be no value in the strength

Of walls that I'll have grown

There'll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown

But I'd be yours if you'd be mine

 

Stretch out my life and pick the seams out

Take what you like but close my ears and eyes

 Or watch me stumble over and over

I had done wrong you built your tower

But call me home

and I will build a throne

 And wash my eyes out never again

 

But love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

 

With skin too tight and eyes like marbles

You spin me high so watch me as I glide

Before I tumble homeward,

homeward I know I've tried I was not stable

 And flawed by pride

I miss my sanguine eyes

So hold my hands up

Breathe in and breathe out

 

So love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

 

And in the middle of the night I may watch you go.

 There'll be no value in the strength

 Of walls that I'll have grown

 There'll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown

You may not trust the promises of the change I'll show

But I'd be yours If you'd be mine

 

So love the one you hold

And I'll be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

So love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

Knock your husband's socks off this Valentine's Day

 Just to warn you, I'm just going to let myself go in this post.  Throw all caution to the wind.   Why is it a little bit hard for some of us to talk about the sexual nature of our relationships?!  It just feels like something that should be kept within the bedroom.  Ha!   BUT I am a big believer that we can all learn a lot from each other and I do think that sex should be included in that.  It's just as important a part of our relationships as anything else, and my blog DOES have a lot to do with helping you in your relationships. So here we go!

 

 

"She was standin' in the kitchen with nothin' but her apron on"

Oh yes.

You know where I'm going with this.

No more only having sex late at night with all the lights off.

Have a little fun, will ya?!

 

Some of you might remember this sweet little song, "Somewhere Other Than The Night" by Garth Brooks.  I'm not sure how many people it has inspired, but I know it inspired ME.  I really wanted to do something different last year for Valentines Day. I stepped out of my shell and let me tell you, it was completely worth it.  Here's what you can do:

 

Get rid of the kids before your husband gets home from work. Check!

Shower and shave your legs. Check!

Put on some panties and an apron. (nothing else!)  Check!

Be ready with ingredients to cook dinner together.  Check!

Optional...light some candles, put out some rose petals, set a the dinner table with some bubbly.  Check!

Have an apron ready for the hubby. (of course I'm not going to be the only naked one in the kitchen!) Check!

Be standing in the kitchen with nothing but your apron on when your hubby walks in. Check!

Make love before dinner.  NOPE!

PS: Does anyone REALLY say making love? I was trying to be more appropriate/romantic, but maybe I'll just say what I would normally say. haha

Do it after dinner.  NOPE!

Do it after you massage each other in front of the fire.  NOPE!

 

Don't get me wrong...do plenty of touching, kissing, whatever, but after dinner and after giving each other a massage, we got dressed and went to a movie!! We found ourselves to be very cuddly and touchy feely at the movie and by the time we got home, we were REA-DY.

 

And let me tell you...it was one of the best sexual experiences I've had in my 13 years of marriage....for both of us!

Hope you'll try it! ;)

10 ways to have the Best Date Night

 

The purpose of Date Night is the time to RECONNECT and REDISCOVER each other and leave the demands of the daily schedule behind. 

 

You've probably heard this from me before, but it is impossible stay connected throughout an entire marriage without working for it.  A marriage consists of the cycle of connecting, disconnecting, and reconnecting again.  The disconnection is inevitable.  In fact, the trouble in a marriage (i.e. an affair) doesn't stem from the DISCONNECTION, but when we don't make the effort to RECONNECT when needed! 

 

People often misunderstand that in order to have a good date night, it must be well planned, elaborate or expensive.  While all of these things can contribute to amazing date nights, they are not necessary to having some of the best dates of your life.  You will find that the best date nights don't rely on what you DO on them, as much as what you FEEL from them.  We need to feel CONNECTED to each other.  And when we feel connected we feel happier and more secure in our relationship.  Here are 10 ways you can be sure to connect on date night:

 

1.  Touching.  Let me start by saying that it is not a true date night without touching each other.  Hold hands, touch their back, give their leg a squeeze, lean in for a kiss, the possibilities are endless.

2.  Meaningful Conversation.  Put your phones away and focus on each other!  In a world where texting is becoming the dominant way to communicate, chances for a one on one conversation are more important than ever! If you need help, you can always google conversations starters, like my 50 random questions found HERE.
3. Take turns doing what the other person loves to do.  You may not love going to a sporting event or you might despise the idea of taking a cooking class together, but if you know your spouse would thoroughly enjoy this, then let yourself find out why!!  Not only might you learn something new from your spouse, but they will feel more connected to you, knowing you care about the things they love.
4.  Planning.  I don't mean spending hours working up the perfect date.  But just enough thought into it to make sure you are not falling back on what is easiest and most convenient. It might even be fun taking turns deciding what you're going to do for date night.
5. Touch each other! PS: there are no rules on PDA when you are married. Who cares if it bothers other people, you are trying to connect with your lover!
6. Try new things.  Get out of your comfort zone.  We know you love the rolls at Texas Roadhouse, or that you crave the Tomato Basil Soup at Zupas.  But it's not going to hurt you to go somewhere NEW.  New foods and places not only stimulate new taste buds, but new growth! It may not be a wonderful experience every time, but it will at least give you something to talk about!
7.  Simplify.  No need to be elaborate.  Go out to eat and then stop at a park and play cards on a blanket. Or take the game home in front of the fire with drinks on a chilly evening.  The phrase "go big or go home" does not apply to date night.
8. Did I mention touching? Heck, find a place to park and do it in the back seat.  You'd be surprised what this will do for your connection. ;)
9.  Wake Up!  Yes, we all start to feel older as the years go by. And yes, we might like to be in bed by 9:30pm, but shake it off!  Stop thinking about how tired you are and let yourself feel alive again and have fun! 
10.  Feel the love.  Take a moment to look at your wife or husband and remember what you love about them.  Just a second to REALLY look at them and ENJOY being there with them.  It's easy to become SO comfortable in our relationship that we stop thinking about how truly blessed we are to be with the person we love.  Be thankful and feel free to mention it. Or even better, show them through touch. ;)

"Bottom line is, marriage is HARD"

Let me start by saying I watch a lot of tv and movies on Netflix.  I work on the computer a lot and I used to like to listen to music while I did that, or while I cleaned the house, but now I like to watch shows.  haha  So I kind of watch whatever jumps out at me, or peaks my curiosity. 

I came upon The Kids Are Alright and I was curious about it mainly because I liked all the actors, but also because it had been nominated for an Oscar for best picture and won the Golden Globe for best picture in 2011. 

 

Honestly... I didn't love it.  It was ok, but I probably won't ever watch it again or recommend it.  I give it a 2.5 out of 5 stars. BUT there were a few "moments" that stood out to me that I wanted to share. 

 

One of the main characters had an affair and everyone in the house was upset with her and giving her the cold shoulder and finally when she couldn't take it anymore, she stands in front of her family and says:

 

"Bottom line is, marriage is hard.  It's really freaking hard.  It's just two people sloggin through the crap, year after year, getting older, changing.  It's a freaking marathon, ok? So sometimes, you know, you're together so long, you stop seeing the other person and just see weird projections of your own junk.  Um, instead of talking to each other, you go off the rails and act grubby and make stupid choices.  Which is what I did, and I feel sick about it because I love you guys, and I love your mom, and that's the truth.  Sometimes you hurt the ones you love the most.  I don't know why."

A few things rang true to me in that speech. 

First, that marriage IS hard.  And anyone who says it isn't is either lying or has amnesia. 

Second, it is just a fact that we are all going to change as the years pass.  We learn, we grow, we become different people almost.  Some more than others.  But this is SO important to realize in a marriage because we don't need to be afraid of changes, but we do need to acknowledge and accept them and figure out how to work around them.

Third, when you are with someone for so long, it's easy to get stuck in the same mundane routine day after day and we start to lose sight of what is important in a marriage.  Yes, the mundane routine is probably unavoidable if you are human.  BUT You don't have to only have vanilla ice cream every single day!  While vanilla ice cream MUST be eaten every day, it doesn't mean you can't throw some different toppings on here and there to spice it up a little! Catch my drift? 

Fourth, the WORST thing you can do when the above three things are happening is to keep your thoughts to yourself.  You must TALK to each other!!  Talk about what's hard.  Talk about the changes you are feeling.  Talk about what's missing from your marriage.  Talking will help you to CONNECT again and to make sure that you don't "go off the rails and make stupid choices."

And lastly, stupid choices are probably inevitable for everyone.  Nobody is perfect.  Nobody knows how to be in a perfect marriage.  For some darned reason, we DO hurt the ones we love the most.  You don't know how many times I've asked myself WHY?!!  WHY would we do such things that break our loved ones in two?  We just do.  So the best we can do is pick ourselves up and keep trying.  Learn from the stupid choices and try your hardest to not let it happen again. 

I did like how the movie ended.  The couple decided to stay together and work on what they had.  Hopefully they were able to learn from their stupid choices and continue to love each other and live life to the fullest and find happiness again.  I think that's what we all hope for ourselves, don't you think?

It takes two to tango

I've been absent for a while.  Between a bout of depression, sick kids,  kids being off track from school, and good weather forcing me to be outside doing yardwork, I guess I just haven't felt much like writing. 

But I was inspired today to talk about something I've learned about marriage. 

 

The sad part is that no matter how hard you are trying to keep your marriage together,  if the other person doesn't want to work, there is nothing you can do about it.  And you get to a point where you need to let it go to be happy again. 

 

If you want your marriage to be a success, then it takes BOTH of you.  It can't be 1 person giving the other their way the entire marriage.  While this may maintain peace in the home, it is not healthy for the person who is doing all the giving in.   That is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

But what IS the definition of a successful marriage?

Opinions might vary on this, but in my opinion it consists of:

 

 BOTH people feel loved, cared for and respected by each other.

 BOTH people are willing to do anything in their power to make each other happy. 

BOTH people are willing to admit their inadequacies and work on them.

BOTH people feel able to tell their partner anything and they will feel accepted and not judged.

 

I could probably come up with more, but this is what came to mind at the moment

I am curious what some of you might add to this list. Please, feel free to share.

 

When my husband and I went to our first counseling session, we each got the following sheet of paper and our counselor asked us to mark our TOP FOUR.  The four that we felt were most important to feeling a connection with our spouse.  What was SO interesting was that we both did not mark one that was the same.  It helped us to realize which items were most important to each other and to focus on those the most.  Because while you may be stellar at providing 8 of those for your spouse, if you are missing the 4 that are most important to THEM, then your connection is not going to be as strong.  But if you can both recognize the things that help your spouse feel connected to you and help to provide those things for them, then I believe your marriage will be a success.   

 

Go ahead and right click and save this to your desktop and you can print it out and give it a try

 

 

To make this most effective, you each need to mark your top four, but then you need to share them with each other and even discuss what those four mean to you.  It takes two to tango.  Hopefully you are both willing to dance together. ;)

The Power of Validation : Part 2

Before reading this, it would be helpful if you would read The Power of Validation : Part 1 because it talks about what Validation is and gives some examples of validating statements.  And I want to remind you that even though I talk about it in terms of a marriage relationship, this also relates to your relationships with your children as well. 

For this post I'm going to talk about things that might get in the way of being able to validate someone's feelings. I'm going to start with the things I feel were getting in MY way :

 

#1: I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO VALIDATE : I lacked the specific relationship skills needed to know how to do this.  I have since learned that this was not present in my own home growing up, which put me at a disadvantage. But this is a chance to learn and I promise you, it will be rewarding.

#2. My reactions to his emotions come on so quickly : Anything he was feeling, I immediately felt emotional about them. Either because I might have been thinking that he felt that way because of me, or of something I wasn't doing good enough, etc.  And so then I would find myself being defensive and dismissing his feelings or I would start to cry about it.  It didn't even give him a chance to get his feelings out and turned into him comforting me, instead of the opposite way around.

#3. Most of the time I didn't agree with the reason he was experiencing his feelings : I think deep down I felt like that if I acknowledged his feelings in a caring manner, then it would give the impression that whatever happened was OK. And it certainly was not OK. I would get stuck needing to be "right" instead of letting him have his feelings.

#4. My habit might be to teach and fix the problem : If his feelings were based on a mistake, I was sure to point that out and how he could have done better. That "no wonder he was feeling that way". He wouldn't be feeling that if he would have just made a smart decision in the first place!  I wish I would have understood that I can't fix all his problems, and that only he could be the one to do that.  But just by listening and being there can make a world of difference.
 

Some other reasons that might get in the way are:

-If I validate, I won't be heard (or my pain won't be understood)

-If I validate, it will only enable the destructive behaviors

- If I validate, they will get stuck in complaining about their problem

-If I validate, their emotions will escalate and get out of control

You might be able to relate to some of these more than others, but it will do you some good to look at your relationships and see if you have been able to use validation and if not, what is getting in the way?

I learned the hard way what could happen when my spouse wasn't feeling validated.  He found someone that could do that for him!  He did not go looking for this...in fact, he probably wouldn't even be able to articulate that he was needing that.  But with me, he started to feel like it wasn't ok for him to have his emotions and feelings the way he has them. Or he didn't feel that I loved, accepted or valued him as much if he made a mistake.  I appeared to be so disappointed that it was easier to NOT talk to me than to try anymore. But again, he was just in "that's the way it is" mode.

Have you ever heard your spouse tell you, "I just don't feel like I can talk to you about certain things" or "I should have told you, but I was too embarrassed" or "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me". "I don't feel like you care about what I'm going through".

Was your response like mine in saying things like "Don't be silly! Of course I care about you!" or "There's no reason you should ever feel embarrassed with me!" or " I don't understand why you feel like you can't talk to me! I'm here for you!"   Well, that is not validation.  You need say that it must be so hard to feel that way and that you are so sorry that you've made him feel like he can't come to you. And then you can try to figure out specifically what you are doing that is making him feel this way and try to learn to validate feelings a little better. 

Unfortunately, if this is happening in your marriage, it is most likely happening with your children as well.   And we especially want them to be able to come to us and be able to tell us anything.  So now is the time to learn about how to do this better.  Our relationships depend upon it!!

And to clarify, I don't mean to say that just because you lack certain relationship skills doesn't mean that an affair will most definitely happen.  I am simply sharing what I've learned about myself and my relationship, in hopes that I can help anyone out there. 

The Ultimate Bookstore Date

retrieved off google, from modernlywed.com

 My preface to this post is to emphasize the importance of DATING within your marriage.  If all you have time for is dinner, then that is better than nothing.  You can even discuss some of my fun questions over dinner, to make conversation a little more interesting. ;) But whatever you do, make it a goal to make sure you and your spouse are using the time to CONNECT with each other!

 

My husband and I went to dinner one night and then had some time to kill.  It was a cold wintery night, so anything outside was completely out of the picture.
 

Me: "bowling?" Him: "eh"

Him: "movie?" Me : "a little boring?"

To my surprise...

Him: "Let's go to a book store. I wonder if there is some kind of scavenger hunt ideas online"

Me : "ok! let me look something up!" (really thinking, "who IS this man sitting next to me?")

 

So I googled bookstore treasure hunt date and got inspiration from here and here.  

We were in the car and unable to print anything out from these websites, so I got out a pen and tore a piece of paper into strips and on each strip I wrote down something to search for. Then we would draw one out of a cup and gave ourselves 5 minutes to find the item and then return to our meeting spot. 

 

It was a pretty good date for being on the spur of the moment, but I made it my goal to revise our game a little, fix the things that didn't work so well, find some new ideas to add to it and then try it again sometime. 

 

 One of the sites we used, only had you searching for certain words in a book like Poke, Nibble, Snatch (which was hard and tedious by the way) and even antidisestablishmentarianism. As soon as I saw that word I freaked out because I remembered it from a little sesame street movie we own called "What's The Name of That Song" (which even I enjoyed watching. Would highly recommend this. haha) But my husband didn't believe me, so I had to find the clip the next day and text it to him. We thought it was pretty funny.

Ok, sorry, let's get back on track....

 

As I searched for more ideas, I was surprised to find so many other couples out there also having fun on a Bookstore Date! I found more inspiration from The Dating Divas, Love Actually,  and I found this guy blogger that had some really interesting points about a bookstore date HERE.

 

SO, by combining everything I've learned and experienced, I've created THE ULTIMATE BOOKSTORE DATE!

 

Below, you will find the search items.  Right click on it and save it to your computer, then you should be able to print it out and cut it into strips.  Fold in half and put in a ziplock bag that you can put in your purse and take with you.

 

  

There are different levels that you can play this game:

SUPER EASY GOING: choose a search item from your bag and look for it together while holding hands. 

 

NOT TOO INTENSE : choose a search item from your bag and try to bring it back to your meeting place within 15 minutes.  This is good if you like to browse and take your time. You will not get through all of the search items, but you can save them for another day

 

SEMI - COMPETITIVE : choose a search item from your bag and give yourself 8 minutes to find it, but the first person back to the meeting spot wins that round. The person who wins the most rounds gets to choose where to go for dessert!  

 

VERY COMPETITIVE:  be prepared with an extra sheet of paper to keep POINTS! choose a search item from your bag and start your phone timers at the same time for 5 minutes and then GO! Split up and find the item as fast as you can.

*1 point for actually finding a book (you'd be surprise how hard it can be to find a certain book in 5 minutes)

*1 point for the person who returned first (with a book in hand)

*1 point for whoever did better with their book selection...try to be fair ;)

The person with the most points gets to pick where to go for dessert!

 

EXTRA TIPS TO MAKE THIS DATE SUCCESSFUL:

*if you pass your date while searching for the book you can exchange a kiss, a tickle or a bum-grab

*be sure to spend a few minutes talking about the books you found

*take pictures of the books you found so you can remember what it is you or your spouse wanted to 'learn more about' or the 'recipe to cook for a future date' or your 'all-time favorite book', etc.  Just so you can remember and maybe purchase the book in the future

*go home and look up the 'places you want to visit' and make a plan to visit one of them within the next 3 years

*REALLY use the recipe you found and cook it TOGETHER on a future date

*purchase the book that could help you in the bedroom and put it into practice right away

 

If you are interested in a more LITERARY scavenger hunt, I found some good questions HERE. 

The Power of Validation : Part 1

 (quick disclaimer: For the betrayed spouse, an affair is NEVER your fault! But it doesn't hurt to try to get to the root of what things might have contributed to the affair happening.  It seems only logical to do this in attempt to prevent something like this from happening ever again)

The Power of Validation : Part 1 : WHAT IS VALIDATION?

Because of the affair, I've learned of one concept that has not been seen often in our marriage.  It's the concept of VALIDATION.  But I'm learning more and more how INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT this concept is and how different our marriage would have ended up, had it been practiced regularly.

I'm embarrassed to admit that before the affair happened and before any therapy, I did NOT know what validation was.  At least in an emotional way.  And all of this information is not only helpful in your marriage but with your children as well!! Our therapist gave us a handout that stated the following:

"Validation occurs when we confirm, mostly through our words, that other people can have their own emotional experiences.  It is NOT agreeing with their emotional experience, but it is reassuring them that it is OKAY FOR THEM TO FEEL THE WAY THAT THEY DO.  This brings about feelings of being understood, which is the beginning for emotional safety. When people feel emotionally safe, they share more.  As they share more, we learn more, and are more likely to help them in a supportive non-threatening way."
 

Some examples of validating statements:

-"I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through"

"If must be difficult to feel so sad"
"It makes sense that you would be feeling that way."
"That must have been frustrating"
"Let me make sure I understand, so you are feeling..."
More validating statement examples

 

 

The important thing is to remember that in that moment, you need to focus on what the person is FEELING and not necessarily the situation or whatever might have happened.  And try not to make it about yourself!  (Things you should not say)

 

Before the affair happened, my husband would not have been able to articulate that he was not being validated.  That's the hard part.  We didn't realize what was happening under the surface.  By not being validated, my husband would pretty much shove his feelings aside and try and forget them.

 

He would never have said he was unhappy in our marriage, but he just thought that's "the way things are" when you are married and you just deal with it. He just wanted me to be happy and apparently I didn't appear too happy when he shared his feelings, so he decided not to do so as often. We do NOT want this to happen because emotional validation is a basic human need.  We all need and crave it more than we realize.

 

In my situation, not only did the other woman show interest in my husband's life, which made him feel good, he was also able to share his deepest and darkest feelings and she, having been to therapy for several years already, knew how to validate his feelings and made him feel valued and accepted no matter what. When he felt valued and accepted by this woman, he thought that only this woman could do that for him and that she must be his soul mate and THOUGHT he was in love. When really, it was a simple concept that anyone could implement in their relationship if practiced.  

 

Since then, my husband has come around and has realized that there are things we both need to work on in this marriage and that it IS worth the time and effort.  He has since realized the whole affair was stupid and he is so sorry that it happened. We continue to go see a therapist to help us with concepts such as validation and we have noticed a huge difference in the way we talk to each other and in the way we feel when we have these conversations. 

 

This week I will be posting more about validation. I hope that I can help any of you out there learn all you can about this concept that can improve any kind of relationship.  Whether with your spouse, your parents, your children, etc.  If you have any questions, please ask...I will try my best to help!!

For further reading:
 How To Validate Your Spouse's Feelings - Messy Marriage
What is Validation and Why Do I Need To Know? - Psych Central
The Art of Relating : Validation Starvation - The Healthy Planet