Relating to Parenthood, the TV show

Absolutely LOVE this show! The actors are so REAL and genuine...they do an amazing job.  It's the kind of show you wish would just go on FOREVER!! My husband and I watch this together and I love it.  Lots of FEEL GOOD moments that can bring you closer together.  There are also so many story lines that people in all different situations can relate to.  I highly, highly recommend this show.

 

The most recent episodes have been a little difficult to watch for me. We are in the middle of season 5 and Julia and Joel have been having a hard time in the marriage.  Joel's job has been very demanding of his time and they have been feeling a DISCONNECT. This will happen to all of us. I have mentioned before, that it is just normal that there will be times of disconnect in our relationships.  That's not the bad part.  The bad part is when we don't recognize it until it's too late, OR we recognize it, but don't do anything about it.

In Joel and Julia's case...they just can't get on the same page.  And in the meantime, there is another parent from their kids school, Ed Brooks, that has formed a friendship with Julia.  They have formed feelings for each other and when Julia recognized that this was not appropriate, she tried to tell Ed that they can't be friends anymore.  Needless to say, that conversation ended with Ed kissing her.  

 

This storyline really hits home with me.  My husband's affair started the same way.  He formed a friendship with another woman and he felt connected to her in a way that he had NOT been feeling with me at that time.  In this type of situation, the persons involved don't go into the friendship looking for an affair or planning on one.  IT JUST HAPPENS. IT JUST HAPPENS people. 

 

Julia didn't know what to do...she was confused for her feelings for Ed...she feels like he "Sees" her.  It is just SO crazy, because this is what my husband had told me about the woman he had the affair with.  "She understood him". 

She went to her older brother Adam and I LOVE the advice he gave her:

"Julia, listen to me, whatever is feeling good right now about Ed, is just related to how bad things are feeling with Joel, alright?  And it is not worth it.  It's not about him, this is about you and Joel. And you've got to focus on your marriage.  It's about you and your family. It's not worth it, ok? You've got to get this guy out of your life and forget about him.  Figure your stuff out with Joel. "

Isn't that amazing? I wish that everyone had someone like that to talk to...to get them back on course when confused.  I hope that can speak to any of you out there that might be feeling a disconnect with your spouse and feeling like turning to someone else who you feel might understand you better.  DON'T DO IT.  IT'S NOT WORTH IT.  YOU CAN GET BACK WHAT YOU HAD WITH YOUR SPOUSE.  YOU CAN! The disconnect doesn't mean it's over and the new connection does NOT mean you might be meant to be with that other person.  But you need to TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE about it.  Get help if you need to. But your marriage CAN and WILL get better if you both work on it.

 The other part that really hit home was the part where Joel confronted Julia and asked if she was having an affair.  BEGGED HER TO TELL HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON.  That if there is anything he needed to know to TELL HIM PLEASE!

 

I had a moment like that before finding out about the affair.  I confronted my husband and asked "Is there something going on?"  And he did just as Julia did and told me No, there's nothing going on.  But I'm telling you....WE FEEL IT.  We may not be able to articulate that it's an affair or whatever, but we FEEL THAT SOMETHING IS OFF.  I talked more about this experience here: http://mrdarcycheated.blogspot.com/2013/08/a-freaky-journal-entry.html

I just WISH he would have talked to me about it!!!! I had NO CLUE that anything was feeling off in our marriage.  I would do anything to go back and have him tell me the truth in that moment. JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER PEOPLE! The truth needs to come out for the fixing to begin.

 

Not everyone has a happy ending to these situations.  Sometimes the betrayed party feels that it is too hard to get over and would rather leave than work on it.  Sometimes the one who betrayed decides to see if the grass is greener on the other side.  But I am CROSSING MY FINGERS that Joel and Julia can work this out and we can see more of this:

 

Almost took her cookies....

One year ago today was the day that SHE and my husband ended their affair.  Of course, I didn't know anything about that until 4 days later.  And it ended because HER husband found some of their texts.  And so they knew it had to end.  As far as I knew, my husband went to work that day.  It was a Monday.  And he did.  But he drove all the way back, close to home, around lunchtime to meet with HER to say goodbye.  Apparently they felt they needed to do that in person.  SHE moved in for a goodbye kiss (which totally pisses me off.  You were ending it for F-ing sakes! She just couldn't help herself).  And off they went.  They still communicated throughout the day, staying updated on what HER husband knew, etc. 

 

Meanwhile, in my own little bubble,  I was also communicating with HER because she was supposed to come to our house that night for short meeting, as we were planning for an event coming up.  WHAT????!!!!!!! So there she was....just kissed my husband and proclaimed her love and sadness for ending their affair hours earlier....and she shows up on my door step for this meeting.  Smiling, laughing, and chatting with me and the other ladies that were there in my family room.  My husband even walked in for a bit to say hello.  This whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach.  How could they be so insensitive??  How could they be so stupid!?  They must have just needed to see each other one last time.  Because that WAS the last time they saw each other.  Hope it was worth the trauma I now have of the memories of that night.  

 

The next day, SHE sent an email out, canceling the event that we had just had a meeting for and everyone was shocked! It was happening so soon and so something big must have happened for her to feel like she had to cancel!  I was feeling so bad! I couldn't stop talking about it to my husband, that I was going to make her cookies and take them over.  Or that I was sure it might be that her husband had an affair and I felt so bad for her!! I couldn't stop thinking about it or talking about it.  Little did I know, it got canceled because her husband found everything out that night after the meeting.  And little did I know it was HER that had an affair.  With MY husband!!!!!!!!!!???????????????   WHAT?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

To this day, it is just so hard for me to understand WHY??!!!!  Why did this happen?  HOW???!!!! How could my husband hurt me this way? How could my good friend of 3 years do this to me???!!!!  She was in the relief society presidency for crying out loud!!!! They are supposed to look after the other women in the ward!! Not sneak around with their husbands!!!!

 

Anyway, of course my worrying for her went on for days until finally I think it just added to my husband's guilt.  I can still see his face when I told him I thought her husband had an affair.  A face that I can't really describe, but that is engrained in my memory.  I don't know for sure that he would have ever told me about the affair if the end hadn't unraveled in this way, but I think the guilt was too much and he couldn't keep it in.  As much as I wish I never knew about any of this, I'm SO glad he stopped me before I took her the damn cookies.

A freaky journal entry....

A year ago today my husband picked a fight with me about how I schedule activities.  He was upset that we would be missing the annual ward barbeque to go to the lake with my family.  He claimed he was more upset that I didn't talk to him about it first, because most likely he would also agree that family is more important than the ward barbeque, but he was so upset that he stated he needed to "get out of here" and proceeded to hook his bike up to the back of the van.  I confronted him and asked "Is there something else going on?" I knew that this behavior was not usual for him.  But he told me, "No, there's nothing going on" and I watched him drive away to go on a bike ride. 

Several alarms went off in my body.

#1 He had never picked a fight with me about something so trivial before, and it has been happening a lot the last few weeks
#2 He had never left the family at home and gone on a bike ride on a Sunday
#3 He was gone for longer than his usual bike ride. 

This is the last time I wrote in my journal before finding out about the affair 5 days later and this is what I wrote while he was out on his ride:

"He has been doing things out of the ordinary.  Like just taking off on a walk by himself. One night, with the kids in bed, I suggested I go with, but he insisted it wouldn't be good to leave the kids home alone (even though we have done that several times before to watch a movie with our friends in their basement). Or just today, Sunday, he took off on a bike ride after church.  He stopped to sit at a park he says and was gone almost 2 hours!! Another night he ran to the store to grab some Ibprofin PMs and it took longer than it should have and he explained that he stopped at a park for a bit.

Well, I'm sorry, but past experiences do not help my questioning if he is being honest.  I just have thoughts cross my mind that he is meeting up with someone.  It makes me sick to my stomach and when he takes off like that, all I can think about are these things. 

I think he is stressed out about work, and I hope that is all it is, but seriously I feel like I have to follow him next time he goes out! Blah!!!!! I hate having these feelings!!!!!"

Well, needless to say, I wouldn't have a chance to follow him because they ended it the next day, but I didn't find out until later in the week.  Now I know he was meeting HER that day and found an excuse to get out of the house.  And that he was probably upset about my planning because it meant that he wouldn't have a chance to see HER at the ward barbeque.

Again, I am haunted by those feelings, WISHING so bad that I had followed him on that bike ride and caught him in the act!!! I kick myself over and over for being so SO stupid.  To not see what was really going on.  And despite all those feelings I was having, I never ONCE suspected it was my friend that he might be meeting up with.   I feel so stupid that I tried so hard to push my feelings aside and give him the benefit of the doubt.  That I was trying so hard to TRUST him. Trust that he would never do such a thing. That it most likely was just stress.  

I feel like a fool

And now it is a trigger whenever he says he is going on a bike ride, or on a run.  And I HATE that those are triggers because he feels better all around when he is active and feeling healthy.  So I want him to be able to go and get his exercise. But I HATE that he used that to get away to see HER. 

Haunted

 A year ago today, the other woman watched my kids for me while I went to work.  I wouldn't really call it work, it's more like my hobby.  But I had to leave and she was so nice (sarcasm) to watch my kids for me.  I would be able to come and get them and have a 2 hour break before I had to go back and she was so nice (sarcasm) to invite our family over to dinner because "she wanted me to be able to relax and not stress about cooking for my family".  How NICE (sarcasm) of her! 

 

Well, we get there, and lo and behold, her husband happened to get called out to work.  So there she was sitting at the kitchen table smack in between my husband and I while all our kids played and laughed outside.  We talked about what we might do on our couples trip to St. George in a few weeks and talked and laughed.  The time came that I had to go back to work.  I felt bad pulling the kids away and felt bad that I was leaving my husband alone to take care of the kids and so I let him stay there, but told him to leave in 30 minutes and was very firm about that, as I had uneasy feelings about leaving him there alone with her.  But I was confident he would leave asap.

 

As I drove home from my job, I called to say I was on my way home and found out instead of staying 30 more minutes, he stayed TWO HOURS!  I had a pit in my stomach.  I was angry at first, but it quickly subsided because DUH! Of course nothing happened between them! Why would I even think such a thing.  She was my friend. Why was I being so weird!! 

 

Now that I know what was going on at that time, I feel sick to my stomach about that day.  It was towards the end of their time together, so by that time, they had shared almost 4000 texts, met up over 6 times, shared hundreds of minutes together on the phone, kissed and told each other that they loved each other.

 

I am haunted by our smiles and conversations at that dinner table and for a long while I could not work any more.  Because if I were to be away doing that same kind of work, all I could think about was that night.  And how I felt so happy and content doing something I love, while the husband that I loved was supporting me while I did it. I am haunted by the feelings I had when I found out her husband was not going to be there.  Everything inside me screamed to GET OUT!  But the nice person in me gave them both the trust that nothing would happen. Little did I know, something already WAS happening.

 

 Looking back, I remember feeling like her house was a dirty mess and that the dinner (gross, cheap hot dogs) was sickening, but of course I looked past that because friends don't judge friends.  But no more of those cheap and gross rubbery hot dogs for me.  I'm only going beef hot dogs from here on out!

Keep Breathing

Go ahead and push play and listen as you read. Ingrid Michaelson is one of my favorite artists and this is a beautiful song by her. So simple, but yet haunting and inspiring at the same time.  I love that it starts slow and soothing and leads into the lyric :  " The storm is coming but I don't mind.  People are dying, I close my blinds......I want to change the world, instead I sleep.  I want to believe in more than just you and me.  But all I know is I'm breathing."

I used to be the person that would come running when help was needed.  I used to be the person that seeked out opportunities to help others...especially the women around me.  Lately I feel like I'm in my own small bubble.  I hear about things happening...babies being born, friends having a struggle, a friend's birthday, my neighbor having a miscarriage, etc  and I can't get myself to do anything about it.  It's not that I don't care, because I do.  But I can't muster up the energy to support or help them. 

The song starts to build as she sings over and over "All I can do is keep breathing, all I can do is keep breathing"....  And I feel like that is my anthem at the moment.  All I can do is keep breathing and take care of my family right now.  I do ache for the person that I once was, but I have lost sight of that person.  That person paid TOO MUCH attention to everything going on around her and couldn't meet her husband's needs and she got betrayed.  So I can't go back. HOW could I go back to being that person?  I don't want to hurt like this ever again.  Please don't let me hurt like this again.   

Who can I trust?

One of the hardest and most traumatizing parts of the affair is that the Other Woman was one of my good friends from the ward and neighborhood.  I TRUSTED HER.  I was only there to help her and be her friend and this is how she repaid me. I mean, I don't expect things in return for being someone's friend, but I do expect you to not betray me!!  Is that too hard to ask????? 

I want to share the events that happened the week that I found out.  It was a Sunday when I really KNEW something was off with my husband and I decided I might have to follow him the next time he goes out.  It was Monday when SHE told her husband everything.  It was Tuesday that I got an email from her canceling a big event that they were going to hold at their house in a couple weeks.  When I got that email, I knew something BIG had to have happened for her to cancel her event.  I started talking to my husband about how I think HER husband might have had an affair or something and that I was going to try to make her a treat and go over and see if she needs to talk.  I talked about this with my husband for days before he finally told me the truth about what had happened.   

I was going to take her freaking COOKIES!!!!!  And all the while she was sneaking around with my husband behind my back.  So where does that leave me?  Well, it certainly makes me question who I can trust.  I have several friends in the same ward and neighborhood and I've known them all for the same amount of time that I knew HER.  So this whole ordeal has put all of those relationships into question and made me think that I don't want to be friends with ANYONE in this damn neighborhood!!! No one is REALLY my friend, right???? 

I came across this quote:

And it's true.  I DO have some real friends.  Friends that I've had for many many years and I can know for certain that there is not one of them that would ever do something like this to me.  And so I should appreciate and nurture THOSE friendships and not think that I need to be friends with everyone in the neighborhood.

So my advice to all of you out there?  Have your handful of REAL friends and focus on those relationships.   You can wave and smile and make small talk with others, but never feel pressured into inviting them into your personal circle.  It's not worth it.

 

Downton Abbey

My husband and I have finally joined the Downton Abbey craze.  I'm actually quite surprised it took me this long, seeing how much I love Pride and Prejudice!  But I always seem to be a little late with new fads.  I don't think I started reading Harry Potter until the seventh book was written! I think it's my reluctance to join in just because everyone else is doing it!  But that's a story for another time.

 

Anyway, we just watched an episode of Downton Abbey where a visiting soldier slept with one of the house maids and got her pregnant and won't take responsibility for his child.  The maid begged the owners of the home to help her convince him to help, but what did they say? That SHE was in the wrong. "Men will always be men, but for any young woman to let her judgment so desert her...." 

 

I know that's sad, but isn't it so true?  I think most of us would expect a married man to have an affair more than a married woman.  I don't know if it's because there's a tendency to think that men just can't help themselves/have no control or they don't THINK about things as much as women or because most have more opportunities (being away from home with jobs, etc). Or maybe it's a mix of all of it.

 

Marriage and motherhood can be frustrating at times and it can feel good to have someone to talk to about it.  As married women, as LDS married women, we UNDERSTAND each other.  We want to be there for each other...sharing recipes, books, advice, etc.   We don't sneak around with each other's husbands. Seriously. That is just wrong.

 

HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME???  We were friends for THREE years.  Of course I have other friends that I have had for 14+ years that I am much closer to, but they don't live nearby, so of course, I made friends with other ladies in the neighborhood.  I have 3 kids, and she has 3, and so we carpooled, babysat each other's kids, had girls night outs, celebrated birthdays, had family gatherings together, went on couple dates, and our families even went camping together!  Our kids liked to play with each other and our husbands even liked to hang out together.  It seemed like we couldn't find better friends!

But then one day, she decided it was OK to sneak around with my husband behind my back!! What the heck?!   She was in our Relief Society Presidency at the time for crying out loud!  (for those that don't know, in the LDS church, it is the leadership over the women and she has since been released)

  

So what I want to know, is what frame of mind does a married woman have to be in to BETRAY her friend and seduce her husband behind her back??!  I mean, this has to be a very flaky, unstable kind of woman, don't you think?