10 ways to have the Best Date Night

 

The purpose of Date Night is the time to RECONNECT and REDISCOVER each other and leave the demands of the daily schedule behind. 

 

You've probably heard this from me before, but it is impossible stay connected throughout an entire marriage without working for it.  A marriage consists of the cycle of connecting, disconnecting, and reconnecting again.  The disconnection is inevitable.  In fact, the trouble in a marriage (i.e. an affair) doesn't stem from the DISCONNECTION, but when we don't make the effort to RECONNECT when needed! 

 

People often misunderstand that in order to have a good date night, it must be well planned, elaborate or expensive.  While all of these things can contribute to amazing date nights, they are not necessary to having some of the best dates of your life.  You will find that the best date nights don't rely on what you DO on them, as much as what you FEEL from them.  We need to feel CONNECTED to each other.  And when we feel connected we feel happier and more secure in our relationship.  Here are 10 ways you can be sure to connect on date night:

 

1.  Touching.  Let me start by saying that it is not a true date night without touching each other.  Hold hands, touch their back, give their leg a squeeze, lean in for a kiss, the possibilities are endless.

2.  Meaningful Conversation.  Put your phones away and focus on each other!  In a world where texting is becoming the dominant way to communicate, chances for a one on one conversation are more important than ever! If you need help, you can always google conversations starters, like my 50 random questions found HERE.
3. Take turns doing what the other person loves to do.  You may not love going to a sporting event or you might despise the idea of taking a cooking class together, but if you know your spouse would thoroughly enjoy this, then let yourself find out why!!  Not only might you learn something new from your spouse, but they will feel more connected to you, knowing you care about the things they love.
4.  Planning.  I don't mean spending hours working up the perfect date.  But just enough thought into it to make sure you are not falling back on what is easiest and most convenient. It might even be fun taking turns deciding what you're going to do for date night.
5. Touch each other! PS: there are no rules on PDA when you are married. Who cares if it bothers other people, you are trying to connect with your lover!
6. Try new things.  Get out of your comfort zone.  We know you love the rolls at Texas Roadhouse, or that you crave the Tomato Basil Soup at Zupas.  But it's not going to hurt you to go somewhere NEW.  New foods and places not only stimulate new taste buds, but new growth! It may not be a wonderful experience every time, but it will at least give you something to talk about!
7.  Simplify.  No need to be elaborate.  Go out to eat and then stop at a park and play cards on a blanket. Or take the game home in front of the fire with drinks on a chilly evening.  The phrase "go big or go home" does not apply to date night.
8. Did I mention touching? Heck, find a place to park and do it in the back seat.  You'd be surprised what this will do for your connection. ;)
9.  Wake Up!  Yes, we all start to feel older as the years go by. And yes, we might like to be in bed by 9:30pm, but shake it off!  Stop thinking about how tired you are and let yourself feel alive again and have fun! 
10.  Feel the love.  Take a moment to look at your wife or husband and remember what you love about them.  Just a second to REALLY look at them and ENJOY being there with them.  It's easy to become SO comfortable in our relationship that we stop thinking about how truly blessed we are to be with the person we love.  Be thankful and feel free to mention it. Or even better, show them through touch. ;)

It takes two to tango

I've been absent for a while.  Between a bout of depression, sick kids,  kids being off track from school, and good weather forcing me to be outside doing yardwork, I guess I just haven't felt much like writing. 

But I was inspired today to talk about something I've learned about marriage. 

 

The sad part is that no matter how hard you are trying to keep your marriage together,  if the other person doesn't want to work, there is nothing you can do about it.  And you get to a point where you need to let it go to be happy again. 

 

If you want your marriage to be a success, then it takes BOTH of you.  It can't be 1 person giving the other their way the entire marriage.  While this may maintain peace in the home, it is not healthy for the person who is doing all the giving in.   That is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

But what IS the definition of a successful marriage?

Opinions might vary on this, but in my opinion it consists of:

 

 BOTH people feel loved, cared for and respected by each other.

 BOTH people are willing to do anything in their power to make each other happy. 

BOTH people are willing to admit their inadequacies and work on them.

BOTH people feel able to tell their partner anything and they will feel accepted and not judged.

 

I could probably come up with more, but this is what came to mind at the moment

I am curious what some of you might add to this list. Please, feel free to share.

 

When my husband and I went to our first counseling session, we each got the following sheet of paper and our counselor asked us to mark our TOP FOUR.  The four that we felt were most important to feeling a connection with our spouse.  What was SO interesting was that we both did not mark one that was the same.  It helped us to realize which items were most important to each other and to focus on those the most.  Because while you may be stellar at providing 8 of those for your spouse, if you are missing the 4 that are most important to THEM, then your connection is not going to be as strong.  But if you can both recognize the things that help your spouse feel connected to you and help to provide those things for them, then I believe your marriage will be a success.   

 

Go ahead and right click and save this to your desktop and you can print it out and give it a try

 

 

To make this most effective, you each need to mark your top four, but then you need to share them with each other and even discuss what those four mean to you.  It takes two to tango.  Hopefully you are both willing to dance together. ;)

8 things to help the healing

There comes a time where the storm is over. 

It seems that the worst of it has past. 

In my situation, my husband came to his senses and realized what a mistake the whole affair was.  He remembered how much he loves me and how utterly sorry he is for the pain he's caused. 

I can feel his tenderness again. 

I can feel his love for me. 

I can say that we are going to be ok. 

I can say that there are many moments where I feel that I am happy again. 

 

But it does not mean that I am fixed.

The hurt is still there.

Underneath it all, it still hurts enough that it can make me cry at any random moment of the day. 

What does this mean?

Is there something wrong with me?

Why can't I feel better?

I have been seeing a therapist for the past 8 months.
 I have read article after article online
I have read books
I have gone to classes
It doesn't make me an expert
But I'd like to share what I've learned
All of this can be applied to most kinds of trauma, not just an affair:

 

 1.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU:  Remember to tell yourself that it is normal to feel the way you are feeling.  Anything less than a year from the affair is still considered early.  The recovery process for successful couples is rarely less than two years. For me, we will have many good moments together, but then I might break down the next day.  This is hard for me to understand, but just knowing that is normal helps me avoid deeper depression about what's going on. 

2.  CRY : I'll be laughing one minute and crying the next.  I'll cry when I do the dishes, when I'm driving to the store or when I'm in the shower.  A day doesn't go by that I don't cry.  Since the affair, I cry less and less, so that gives me hope that one day I won't cry about it anymore.  But for now, I am told that crying HELPS the healing and I need to let myself do it.  Bottling it up inside and trying to be strong will only make it worse.

2. TALK :  I need to be able to talk about what I'm feeling and have support.  Hopefully, it should be the ones that are closest to you. Your husband, a best girlfriend, a family member, or all of the above. Emotional connection is crucial to healing. It calms our nervous system and helps us find balance again, psychologically and emotionally. For several months after the affair, I sunk into depression.  It seemed to get better, but even months after, it would get worse.  And I found it was because I didn't feel the emotional closeness with my husband.  We would try to talk, but he couldn't be there for me emotionally.  Mainly because my emotions would stir up his own feelings of guilt and he hated himself for it.  Unfortunately for us, it actually took counseling to solve this.  For a counselor to see how we interacted and to help my husband understand how he could be there for me.  Once that started happening, the depression started to lift.  You won't need to go into counseling if both people are willing to research and learn what it is that they can be doing to help their partner.

3.  REBUILD : It is inevitable that I will be reminded about the past. But why not also dwell on the future?  How do I want my relationship to be NOW? Where do I want it to go?  Talk about how things are different in your marriage NOW as opposed to how they were.  Create things to look forward to.  My husband and I talk about dreams of going on road trips together.  Or even short term plans like hikes and camping trips with the family.  Just anything to give yourselves something to look forward to helps. 

4.  GET OUT : Staying isolated is one of the worst things you can do. I am guilty of this and still struggle with this.  As much as possible, resume your normal activities and routines. Structure can provide feelings of security as you slowly regain your sense of stability.  Having kids certainly helped me with this...I HAD to get out of bed and get them off to school or drive them to their activities or set up play dates.  So that helps.  I still struggle with wanting to do anything with friends.  For me, I've just been starting small.  Going to lunch during the day while my husband is working.  Or resuming contact with friends through social media.  Small is better than nothing, right?

5. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF : Recovery is a process. Even if your pain isn't physical, you still need to give yourself the proper rest, nutrition and exercise.  I also still struggle with this one. At least the exercise part.  I DO know how important it is.  And I have been sure to encourage my husband to keep up with his exercising...it has made a world of difference for his depression.  As far as sleeping goes, I have taken IB Profin PMs every night since the day I found out.  I find that if I don't take them, I can't sleep and if I can't sleep I am up all night reliving the betrayal in my mind.  Sleep is important and I have been told it is ok to take those as long as I need to.

6. REMOVE TRIGGERS : Become aware of your emotional triggers and learn to cope with them creatively. You may have a flashback to your trauma by engaging in a similar activity, going to a similar place, seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting or feeling something that reminds you of the original trauma. The best way to cope is to remove any triggers that you can.  It helped me to explain to my husband what these triggers are so he could also be more sensitive. Another way to cope with this is to recognize that you are experiencing an emotional trigger and engage in positive self-talk (e.g., “This is frightening but I am safe now.”)  I have to admit that I'm not so great with the self-talk, but I know it works for a lot of people.

7. THINK POSITIVE : For every hurting and negative thought you have, tell yourself you need to think of 3 positive ones.  What are you grateful for? What do you love? What are the GOOD things in your relationship?  What are your favorite memories of you and your husband together?  Go outside and feel the sunshine and breath the fresh air.  Say a prayer.  Read your scriptures.  Find an inspirational quote to read. Listen to a song that makes you happy.  This will keep you from dwelling on the hurt and sinking into an endless pit of despair.

8. BE PATIENT:  Healing takes time. Your recovery will have it’s ups and downs. It is what it is and there is no magical cure.  As much as you want it to, it can't be fixed in a day.  So be patient with yourself.

For those that are religious, Christ can heal your heart as well. Good luck to you.