Kill Me Now

I'm sorry, but I must vent on this post today. What happened today is mind blowing.

 

 To help you understand this, let me start by saying that I have been married almost 13 years.  I have a best friend who was there with me through it all and I have waited for her to find the same happiness! It took 13 years, but she did it!!! She got married today!!! We finished all the pictures at the Salt Lake Temple and I said goodbye to her and was SO happy on such a perfect day and I was walking away with a smile on my face. 

 

As I walked past the temple, and looked over at the temple stairs, there SHE was . 
The other woman!!
The woman who has been a thorn in my side ever since the affair
 It looked like her brother had just gotten married and they were doing pictures!!!!!!

 

What the #^%#???? 

 

Mind you, this is 45 minutes from home
And I RARELY see anyone I know from my neighborhood when I'm out
Of all days for me to run into her. 

Kill. Me. Now. 

 

The moment I saw her, it was like a scene from a movie:

 All of a sudden all movement went into slow motion

The smile disappeared from my face

And the world around me came crashing down

Needless to say I basically ran by and found a corner and had a panic attack. 

Took a little while to calm myself down

 

Some of you might be wondering...

"why is she having a panic attack when she runs into her over a year after the affair happened?"

 

Well, first of all, you might have forgotten that it has been a little hard to move on,
WHEN SHE IS STILL IN MY WARD!!!
I'm not sure I know how to make you understand how hard this is.
I would never wish this on another person.

 

Second of all, refer to my post about Post Traumatic Stress

I have this

And it's REALLY hard when I am reminded of anything to do with the affair

And seeing her is the worst for me.

On a positive note,
apparently we found out later that they saw us INSIDE the temple,
as they were going IN to a wedding ceremony
and we were coming OUT
THANK THE HEAVENS that I did not see them at that time
But still....I have NEVER ran into ANYONE from my ward while downtown
much less IN the temple!!
Of all people to run into
I just don't understand

I don't understand why I have to continue to go through this
Why the torment is never ending. 

My world shattered

Well, I can now say it's been ONE YEAR since my world shattered.

One year since I found out my husband had fallen in love with one of my friends.

One year since my heart was broken into so many pieces that I'm not sure I've gotten them all back yet. 

One year since I felt like I didn't want to live anymore.

 

I don't have the full story of that dreadful day anywhere on here and as it is on my mind, maybe writing it down will help to purge it from my thoughts: 

The affair started with a harmless text.  My husband knew HER because she was in our ward.  Over the few years that we lived here, our families became friends and would often do activities together.  I enjoyed time with just HER for girls nights and my husband was also good friends with her husband.  Our kids got along and would often play together.  My husband and HER both enjoyed running, and so that one thing in common got the talking started.  The only problem is that they both kept their conversations secret from their spouses.  Over a month's time, there were over 4000 texts shared, 8 long phone conversations (40-100 min each), 6 meetings in person, 2 kisses, and they decided that they fell in love. 

During the month that the affair went on, SHE was always contacting me, setting up playdates or inviting my husband and I to do things.  SHE even had the audacity to start planning a couples trip for us.  I thought that SHE just really considered me a good friend.  Boy was I stupid.  I was also noticing that my husband kept picking small fights with me over small things, which gave him an excuse to go for a walk or bike ride or drive.  When it neared the end, I wrote in my journal about how uneasy I was feeling about how he was acting.  I told myself I'd have to follow him the next time he went out.  I even asked him if something else was going on and he would just say no and even hug me and tell me he was sorry to have worried me.  On a separate note, I started getting bugged by HER and all the time we were spending together, but never did it cross my mind that SHE and my husband were sneaking around together.

They knew that things were going too far.  I was noticing something was wrong, and so did HER husband.  SHE said her husband was discovering the truth.  She needed to tell him everything and asked my husband what she should tell him (basically a question of are they leaving their spouses or not) and my husband said "I can't do that to 6 kids".  And so they said goodbye and had no more contact there after.

The day he told me, it was just like any other day.  Did some gardening, ran to the store, etc  I was so happy and excited that day, as we were having people over for a barbeque.

 At 12:40, I got a text from him saying "check your email and then call me".  I checked the computer and there was an email from him with the title "Email seems to be our best form of communication.".  But the email was BLANK.  That was weird.  For some reason I started to get a knot in my stomach. I called him and told him the email was blank.  He said, "What? Are you sure? That's weird.  Well, I'm going to have to just read it to you then".  I FROZE, although I was confused, I knew this couldn't be good.  He began to read:

Elizabeth,

I know I'm a coward for emailing instead of talking to you.  This seems to be our best way to communicate.  But still...you have to know this.

I know why you've been feeling weird about ***.  It's because of me. You were right when you said we were getting too attached.  Over the last month, I've been having deep conversations with *** over text, and a few phone calls. We fell in love and I know that sucks and it's not right...

[PAUSE STORY: At this point, I started screaming "nooooooooo!!!!! no! no! no!" Into the phone]

...This is the reason I've been going for walks and bike rides at weird times... 

[PAUSE STORY: yelling, "no! no! no! I KNEW IT! I KNEW something was wrong! nooooo!!!" (histerical sobbing)]

...to get away to think and to communicate with ***.  I'm so sorry for betraying you like this.  Nothing happened physically between *** and me. 

[PAUSE STORY: I found out later that that was not completely true. They had met up at least 6 times and kissed twice]

It was Monday when we shut it down, and it is over.  She told her husband Monday night.  And I haven't dared to talk to you about it.  I don't have any contact with *** any more.  Part of me wants to keep this from you to keep you from hurting.  Maybe I shouldn't tell you.  But I can't not tell you.  I'm tired of hurting you.  That's all I do, continually throughout our whole marriage.  I'm not a good person. My truth is what hurts you because my truth is crappy.

I love you "Elizabeth", and that will never change.  But I have to stop hurting you.  You're better off without me "Elizabeth".  Nobody is better off with me.  I just can't face hurting you anymore.  I don't know what to do.  You deserve so much more and better than the kind of person I am.

I'm so sorry.  I love you.

 

When he finished, the only sounds were of me sobbing and yelling.  I don't even think I heard the last half of the letter.  All I knew is that my life as I knew it was over.  I couldn't believe that this was happening.  I canceled our barbeque and anything else that I could.

I wrote a long email to HER.  It was a very spur of the moment rant about how could she do this, I thought she was my friend, someone has to move now, this can't work living in the same neighborhood, our kids will never play together again, I'm upset, hurt, angry, etc....I just wanted to punch her and yell at her.

Anyway, when my husband got home, I couldn't even look at him.  I had stopped crying by then and just walked around the house aimlessly, putting things away, just trying to keep my hands busy.  Every now and then I would ask a question like "What day did it start?", "So it was going on during our date with so and so?", etc.  I felt the need to put the pieces of my life together during the month that the affair was going on.

I stated that we have to go to counseling, and he agreed to go.  So I called to make an appointment, hoping for one right that second.  But the soonest we could get in was in a week.  I was so upset by this.  I know we needed guidance through this mess and a week felt like a year.

I remember blurting out things like "what do you MEAN you fell in love?  You can't fall in love in a matter of FOUR weeks.  It can't really be love.  It had to have just been an infatuation, right? " and he responded "maybe" and I would continue..."WHAT in the world did you talk about all that time that led to you falling in love? What did you talk about????".  He couldn't really answer....religion, politics, etc.   I was dumbfounded.

At this point, my husband was very responsive to me.  He seemed sincerely sorry and that he wanted to be there for me.  He let me ask my questions, even though he appeared frustrated having to answer them.  Especially since he didn't really know how to answer some of them.  He didn't remember EXACTLY which day it started, etc.  And the more questions I asked the more frustrated he got until he blurted out, "I don't know, Elizabeth.  This is really hard, ok!  I know I did a terrible thing.  Do we really have to hash out every detail?"

When he shut me down, I recoiled like a wounded creature.  Looking back, I should have stood my ground and asked him whatever questions I darn well pleased.  But I felt like I couldn't.  And it made me angrier. 

We went around the house like zombies the rest of the day...taking care of the kids/house, etc.  I took a bath and he put the kids to bed.    He suggested I take some IB Profin PMs to sleep and I did.  But I woke up early and just started to cry.  He rubbed my back and said he's sorry. 

I got up and said it might help to just get some things done and keep my mind off of everything.  So he hopped right on that and proceeded to help whip the house into shape and clean out the garage, etc.  Late afternoon he suggested he go pick up some take out Chinese and maybe we can watch a movie later.  I felt good that he wanted to do these things for me and spend time with me. 

But all day I had just been feeling like something doesn't make sense.  How can two people fall in love and not have ANY physical contact, which is what he led me to believe.  I texted HER and asked her to tell me what they did.  She claimed that she cared about my marriage and thinks any details should come from my husband, but she felt for me and because she knew I was probably assuming the worst,  she assured me that it did not even come close to that. 

So right away I called him and said that I KNEW there was something he wasn't telling me and I needed him to tell me or I was going to go to HER and get the answers.  He was quiet for a long time until he finally said, "We kissed twice."  I FREAKED out.  And this new information makes things WAY deeper than it was.  Right away I said that he needs to go in to see our bishop. 

And that is when HE freaked out.  Saying he'll do whatever he feels the need to do and basically it is not my place to say whether he needs to go in to talk to the bishop.  I got so mad I hung up on him. 

He came home and went into a guest room and BROKE DOWN.  He was screaming and crying about how SHE changed his life and how now he knows what love really is and about how horrible I've been and how he stayed with us 95% because of the kids.  This went on for some time. MANY very hurtful things were said and I realized that I did not know this person anymore.  I was so scared.  Scared he was going to leave me. Scared that I didn't want to live without him.  And so I kept my mouth shut from then on out.  He was in an "affair fog" for quite some time...and so I just kept quiet, but kept the house clean and running as normal.  Maybe better than normal.  Until finally, over the next several months, he slowly came out of it and as we work on our marriage, we have come leaps and bounds.  But boy, did that feel like I went through Hell.

In talking about it recently, my husband feels like the whole thing was completely stupid and that I am the person he wants to be with and he is so grateful for the 2nd chance I've given him and that he loves that I'm his wife.  He tells me he doesn't want anyone else and that he is in this to help me heal and to help us get through this.  And so we also continue our counseling.

I've had a lot of trauma, not only from the affair actually happening, but from the way SHE was with me for that month during the affair, AND then on top of it all, having to hear my husband mourn his loss of HER until he came to his senses.  It has been a long road, but things are MUCH better than they were a year ago.  But I am still navigating through the pain, hurt and anger from it all, as you can tell from my most recent posts. :(

Crying

Not that anyone is listening, but I'm having a super hard time right now.

Wishing my best friend lived closer so that she could come over and keep me company for a bit.
(or egg the other woman's house or SOMETHING!) 

My husband is out of town tonight and tomorrow marks the one year since the affair. 

Needless to say, I'm a bit of a wreck. 

Not really wanting to be alone, but at the same time, I'm going to be ok. 

 

I just can't seem to quit crying.

All this week, with my husband gone, I have put the kids to bed and start crying

Yes, I try to clean up a bit and so I'm just wandering around the house, a sobbing mess as I try to get things done.

I just can't quit crying

A freaky journal entry....

A year ago today my husband picked a fight with me about how I schedule activities.  He was upset that we would be missing the annual ward barbeque to go to the lake with my family.  He claimed he was more upset that I didn't talk to him about it first, because most likely he would also agree that family is more important than the ward barbeque, but he was so upset that he stated he needed to "get out of here" and proceeded to hook his bike up to the back of the van.  I confronted him and asked "Is there something else going on?" I knew that this behavior was not usual for him.  But he told me, "No, there's nothing going on" and I watched him drive away to go on a bike ride. 

Several alarms went off in my body.

#1 He had never picked a fight with me about something so trivial before, and it has been happening a lot the last few weeks
#2 He had never left the family at home and gone on a bike ride on a Sunday
#3 He was gone for longer than his usual bike ride. 

This is the last time I wrote in my journal before finding out about the affair 5 days later and this is what I wrote while he was out on his ride:

"He has been doing things out of the ordinary.  Like just taking off on a walk by himself. One night, with the kids in bed, I suggested I go with, but he insisted it wouldn't be good to leave the kids home alone (even though we have done that several times before to watch a movie with our friends in their basement). Or just today, Sunday, he took off on a bike ride after church.  He stopped to sit at a park he says and was gone almost 2 hours!! Another night he ran to the store to grab some Ibprofin PMs and it took longer than it should have and he explained that he stopped at a park for a bit.

Well, I'm sorry, but past experiences do not help my questioning if he is being honest.  I just have thoughts cross my mind that he is meeting up with someone.  It makes me sick to my stomach and when he takes off like that, all I can think about are these things. 

I think he is stressed out about work, and I hope that is all it is, but seriously I feel like I have to follow him next time he goes out! Blah!!!!! I hate having these feelings!!!!!"

Well, needless to say, I wouldn't have a chance to follow him because they ended it the next day, but I didn't find out until later in the week.  Now I know he was meeting HER that day and found an excuse to get out of the house.  And that he was probably upset about my planning because it meant that he wouldn't have a chance to see HER at the ward barbeque.

Again, I am haunted by those feelings, WISHING so bad that I had followed him on that bike ride and caught him in the act!!! I kick myself over and over for being so SO stupid.  To not see what was really going on.  And despite all those feelings I was having, I never ONCE suspected it was my friend that he might be meeting up with.   I feel so stupid that I tried so hard to push my feelings aside and give him the benefit of the doubt.  That I was trying so hard to TRUST him. Trust that he would never do such a thing. That it most likely was just stress.  

I feel like a fool

And now it is a trigger whenever he says he is going on a bike ride, or on a run.  And I HATE that those are triggers because he feels better all around when he is active and feeling healthy.  So I want him to be able to go and get his exercise. But I HATE that he used that to get away to see HER. 

Haunted

 A year ago today, the other woman watched my kids for me while I went to work.  I wouldn't really call it work, it's more like my hobby.  But I had to leave and she was so nice (sarcasm) to watch my kids for me.  I would be able to come and get them and have a 2 hour break before I had to go back and she was so nice (sarcasm) to invite our family over to dinner because "she wanted me to be able to relax and not stress about cooking for my family".  How NICE (sarcasm) of her! 

 

Well, we get there, and lo and behold, her husband happened to get called out to work.  So there she was sitting at the kitchen table smack in between my husband and I while all our kids played and laughed outside.  We talked about what we might do on our couples trip to St. George in a few weeks and talked and laughed.  The time came that I had to go back to work.  I felt bad pulling the kids away and felt bad that I was leaving my husband alone to take care of the kids and so I let him stay there, but told him to leave in 30 minutes and was very firm about that, as I had uneasy feelings about leaving him there alone with her.  But I was confident he would leave asap.

 

As I drove home from my job, I called to say I was on my way home and found out instead of staying 30 more minutes, he stayed TWO HOURS!  I had a pit in my stomach.  I was angry at first, but it quickly subsided because DUH! Of course nothing happened between them! Why would I even think such a thing.  She was my friend. Why was I being so weird!! 

 

Now that I know what was going on at that time, I feel sick to my stomach about that day.  It was towards the end of their time together, so by that time, they had shared almost 4000 texts, met up over 6 times, shared hundreds of minutes together on the phone, kissed and told each other that they loved each other.

 

I am haunted by our smiles and conversations at that dinner table and for a long while I could not work any more.  Because if I were to be away doing that same kind of work, all I could think about was that night.  And how I felt so happy and content doing something I love, while the husband that I loved was supporting me while I did it. I am haunted by the feelings I had when I found out her husband was not going to be there.  Everything inside me screamed to GET OUT!  But the nice person in me gave them both the trust that nothing would happen. Little did I know, something already WAS happening.

 

 Looking back, I remember feeling like her house was a dirty mess and that the dinner (gross, cheap hot dogs) was sickening, but of course I looked past that because friends don't judge friends.  But no more of those cheap and gross rubbery hot dogs for me.  I'm only going beef hot dogs from here on out!

Wilted

I know I've been absent from the blog for a while.  Some of the time I've been busy and the rest of the time I've been depressed.  I'm supposed to be able to also write about my depressive days, but it seems no one wants to read a blog post that doesn't have something inspiring to get from it.  And honestly, I don't feel very inspiring lately.  I feel like a wilted flower.

 It's been 11 months since I found out about the affair.  And so that means that the affair was going on at this time a year ago.  Every time I look at a calendar, I am reminded.  So this is a pretty crappy time for me, and that's just the truth.  I don't have any inspiring words for you right now.  Maybe I'll have some when I get out of this funk. 

I know I keep saying this, but they need to move. 

I had someone make a comment on another post about how I shouldn't obsess about them moving because won't their house still be there and still trigger me?

To answer that:

Yes, of course everything will still trigger for a while

BUT

you don't understand the difference I would feel in knowing they are far away from me.

I don't even feel peace in my own home...

For example,

Just yesterday, I heard a knock on the door.

I was not feeling well, and in bed, and all my kids were gone, so I didn't answer

But I was curious who it was

So I peeked out the bedroom window

And it was 2 of the other woman's kids

She knows I can't handle that

And that our kids aren't playing

So what the heck?????

That brought me down pretty low

sobbing

screaming

angry again that I have to feel this way

because of what they did

that it's not fair that I should have to live this way.

And sad that there used to be a time where we had a good friendship with this family

it just sucks so bad.

:(

I should be able to drive into my neighborhood and feel comfort and peace

I should be able to relax in my home and feel safe.

But I don't.

I'd rather dream about zombies

My husband and I watched Walking Dead's season 3 finale last night before we went to bed.  As we walked to our room in the dark, my husband proceeded to make zombie noises to try and scare me.  He got a good slap for that one.  Rude!

 

So WHY is it that I didn't dream about this horrifying show and instead dreamed about my husband having an affair??!!  I didn't dream about the details of the affair that's already destroyed me, I dreamed that I found out my husband was having consecutive affairs with different people over the entire course of our marriage.  One of the WORST. DREAMS. EVER!  And in my dream, he was having affairs with several women I knew and it was devastating to find this out because it was clear that my husband had some kind of problem that couldn't be fixed and I would have no choice but to leave him. It was almost like he was some kind of sociopath.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather dream about zombies!!! 

 

I woke up in a sweat.  I hate when dreams feel so real.  When they start to make me question whether any part of them are true.  I looked in a dream dictionary for an interpretation and found this:

 

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you highlights your insecurities and your fears of being abandoned. You feel that you are being taken for granted. You are lacking attention in the relationship or that he or she is being less affectionate. Alternatively, you feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. 

 

That is very interesting because I would agree that I still have a lot of fears and insecurities.  I've also been feeling like I don't get as much attention from him, now that more time has passed and we don't talk about the affair as much. I feel like I still need to be showered with love and attention all day every day! But of course that is not realistic...I mean, he has a job to go to.  But I still find myself wanting MORE from him.

Will it ever get better?

It's amazing how good you can feel one day and how horrible the next.  Today I am crying, and wondering what I'm doing with myself.  Why am I blogging?  I wonder if I'm trying to fill a void that I feel in my life.  A void that is now present because of the betrayal.  I just feel like there's this big gaping hole and when I really think about it, I realize how empty I really feel.  I have no desire to reunite myself with friends in the ward and neighborhood. I feel I don't have the strength to hold a calling.  I can barely keep the attention span to read a book. 

But I think a big part of me misses my life before the affair happened. I miss who I was and how other people saw me and knew they could come to me as a friend. And it makes me sad.  I feel sad enough to just want to hole up in my bedroom and never come out. 

I'm sad that people I care(d) about could cause the hurt that I'm feeling.  I always felt like I was a good person with good intentions and I feel like I'm being punished for it.  I still have my days of wondering how I could have ended up here.  And wondering if I'll ever feel completely happy again. 

Days like today I wish I could just get away from it all.  I wish I could move far away and just start over. I just need a fresh start.  But what's the point in wishing for something that is not going to happen.  I am here and I need to deal with it.  Just not finding the strength today.

Can I hire a hitman?

With a title like that, you can tell that it has not been such a good day today.  You know what I mean...first I feel like googling someone who might be willing to take HER out for a reasonable amount of money.  But then comes the uncontrollable sobbing, swollen face, mascara on the pillow and feeling utterly alone and hopeless.  I really need to turn this around somehow.  It's almost like I REFUSE to be happy until SHE is completely out of my life.  For anyone who reads this, can you just say a quick little prayer or cross your fingers for me that SHE will move?  

 

I know you want to say "Don't let her have this kind of power over you!!" But guess what, she doesn't get any pleasure from seeing me down.  She was my friend and she made a big fat mistake and has apologized profusely.  She WANTS me to be happy again and wants my marriage to work out because it will make her feel better to see that.  So it makes me want to do the opposite because I feel like I'm never going to let her forget what she did to me and how much it has broken me.   

 

I really would love to find someone out there who has gone through this same thing.  All the blogs I find, the affair is not with someone who lives 5 houses away.  I want to know how someone else handled this!!  I am finding that I can not be friends with anyone who she is friends with and that is pretty hard because we had pretty much all the same friends.  So I isolate myself and tell myself I don't need any of them anyway. She can have them all. Whatever.  And then it builds and builds until I breakdown in a silent rage of swearing, name calling and crying.

 

Someone please tell me what to do.  And I don't want to hear "Oh, hunny, you've got to let it go and move on. That anger is going to eat you alive".  I want to hear a solution that doesn't include me having to be the bigger person and forgive, forget and get on with my life. 

 

Can WE move?  Let's just say that I would have been gone already if my husband were on board.  Would it be hard financially? Yes.  It would be financially impossible to buy another home right now, so we would have to rent this one out and rent somewhere else. We bought a home that we LOVE and that we have put a lot of time into and when we moved here we planned to stay until we grow old.  But I am willing to give that all up to just get the heck out of here.  I feel trapped.  I feel like I'm suffocating.  And there's a building resentment growing towards my husband for not letting us move. 

 

I just feel so alone.  My husband says he is there for me, but I feel like he should be willing to do anything to put me out of my misery.  He thinks moving isn't the answer.  Well, sorry for not trusting that he has any of the right answers after what he did.