Is Matthew REALLY dead??!!

Ok, I know I'm a little behind the rest of the world, but my husband and I just finished Season 3 of Downton Abbey and it was a SHOCK!  We fell in love with Matthew and Mary as a couple and they were so happy once they finally got married! It was so beautiful!  The day he died he had just met his newborn son and was happily driving to tell the rest of the family.  We finished the episode and my husband said, "I don't like that.  I'm probably not going to want to watch anymore." haha  We are such nerds!!

 

But I was in denial that he is really dead.  Is there still a chance for him??  I guess not many unconscious people look like that with their eyes open.  He looks pretty dead.  Darn it.  And then I found an article where the actor that plays Matthew talked about why he needed to leave.  (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/downton-abbey/9765334/Dan-Stevens-Why-I-left-Downton-Abbey.html) So that settled it.  He's really dead and I'm so sad! haha  Goodbye Matthew, we really will miss you.  What a good guy he was.....

Warm, Cozy Socks

I still sigh when I get to a Thursday.  I'm not very good at this.  I think I may make another post today because I have a feeling this is going to be as lame as last week's.

1.  Warm, cozy socks - seriously it is so cold around here lately.  We keep the thermostat pretty low and I would not survive without these socks I got from Costco!

2. The Sunlight - We haven't seen it in days around here. Good too see it again. Amazing how it really does make the day feel happier!

3. The school bus - Just dropped my kids off to catch the bus. So grateful I don't need to drive them all the way to school!  I guess I should also be grateful for the bus driver!

4. A clean house - I just caught up on all the housework and laundry and everything is put away. It feels so good!

5.  Car Seat Warmers - I had never had a car that had these until just less than a year ago. I don't know how I ever survived winter without them!

 

(Can you tell I've been cold lately? ha!)

After The Storm : Mumford & Sons

I love music.  One of my most recent favorite groups is Mumford & Sons and they have this song called "After The Storm".  Go ahead, push play and read through the lyrics as you listen. 

It could have a number of interpretations, but I choose to see the meaning to be about overcoming hardship and not letting yourself be destroyed over it. And learning to love one's self and being able to trust in love again. (all easier said than done, of course)

The chorus really hits me hard. I start to cry every time.  Will there be a time with no more tears? Where my heart will no longer get broken?  What is the hill I need to get over? Perhaps my hang-up over my situation...stuck in the same ward with her; being angry at her. I don't know.  But what a pleasant thought to make it over my hill and see what I find there with grace in my heart and flowers in my hair.  I wish I could be that beautiful person.....

 

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I will die alone
and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
because death is just so full
and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind
and what's before.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair

Will it ever get better?

It's amazing how good you can feel one day and how horrible the next.  Today I am crying, and wondering what I'm doing with myself.  Why am I blogging?  I wonder if I'm trying to fill a void that I feel in my life.  A void that is now present because of the betrayal.  I just feel like there's this big gaping hole and when I really think about it, I realize how empty I really feel.  I have no desire to reunite myself with friends in the ward and neighborhood. I feel I don't have the strength to hold a calling.  I can barely keep the attention span to read a book. 

But I think a big part of me misses my life before the affair happened. I miss who I was and how other people saw me and knew they could come to me as a friend. And it makes me sad.  I feel sad enough to just want to hole up in my bedroom and never come out. 

I'm sad that people I care(d) about could cause the hurt that I'm feeling.  I always felt like I was a good person with good intentions and I feel like I'm being punished for it.  I still have my days of wondering how I could have ended up here.  And wondering if I'll ever feel completely happy again. 

Days like today I wish I could just get away from it all.  I wish I could move far away and just start over. I just need a fresh start.  But what's the point in wishing for something that is not going to happen.  I am here and I need to deal with it.  Just not finding the strength today.

Buffalo Chicken Enchiladas

Since the affair I have had the hardest time doing ANYTHING that I used to love to do.  I think it's a little depression.  But one of those things is cooking.  When you are feeling blah, it's really hard to motivate yourself to do anything more than the basic tasks to survive! 

But, birthdays are motivating.  So that's what it took for me to whip out these delicious babies. My husband loves everything to do with buffalo chicken.  Happy Birthday my sweet!

Buffalo Chicken Enchiladas

1 lb boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cooked and finely shredded
14 oz can red enchilada sauce (I used mild)
1/2 cup buffalo wing sauce
1/2 cup chopped green onions
3 cups cups shredded mozzarella cheese (or more if you love cheesiness)
8 tortillas
1/2 cup crumbled blue cheese

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Spray a 9X13 glass dish with cooking spray.

In a small bowl, mix together enchilada sauce and buffalo wing sauce.  Add more buffalo wing sauce if you need it spicier (I used the mild red sauce and the buffalo wing sauce made it spicy enough for me).

In a large bowl, mix the shredded chicken, half the green onions, 2 cups mozzarella cheese and 1/4 cup blue cheese.  Pour in half the enchilada sauce and mix well.  Fill each tortilla with desired amount, roll and place in baking dish.  Once all tortillas are in the dish, pour the remaining sauce over the top and then add extra cheeses.

Bake for 20 minutes or until cheese is melted.  When you take it out of the oven you can top them with remaining green onions. YUM!

(Adapted from The Novice Chef)

Double Stuff Oreos

I can't really title every 'Thankful Thursday' post as Thankful Thursday, so I decided to always make the title what the first thing is on my list.  (oh, and I know it's Friday, but my Thursday post got interrupted by other news: Can Someone Explain This To Me?)

 

(There was a long pause here.  For some reason it's really hard for me to sit and think about this)

 

1.  Double Stuff Oreos - I just bought some today and they are oh so heavenly dipped in milk

2.  Books - I really do love to read...even though I have had a hard time focusing on reading as much as I used to

3. My kids' brains - They seriously make my life as a mom so easy...they are so stinking smart!

4.  My camera - It's amazing how much you can fall in love with a photograph and I love that I have a nice camera to capture special moments

5.  Music - you'll probably find that I'll talk a lot about music and lyrics.  Music really speaks to me in ways that nothing else can. 

 

This is random, but Speaking of music...what are your favorite Pandora stations?

 

My number one is GLEE ( I love how it brings in a lot of broadway), but I also like the Mumford and Sons station or Taylor Swift.

 

Just curious
 

Can someone explain this to me?

Words can not describe the things that went through my head as I saw these in the bakery yesterday.  I found myself wondering how someone could deface such a beautiful and delicious maple donut.  Maple donuts are one of my favorites.  Especially if it has a custard filling.  mmmmmm

 

And don't get me wrong. I also have a love for bacon.  But I think it is just sick and wrong to combine the two together.  Yes, you might tell me I can't judge until I try it, but I can't even imagine even taking a bite out of that thing!

 

Can someone please explain to me what they were thinking when they created this???!!  I'm sorry, I feel like this needed immediate attention, so my Thankful Thursday post has been moved to tomorrow. ;)

Keep Breathing

Go ahead and push play and listen as you read. Ingrid Michaelson is one of my favorite artists and this is a beautiful song by her. So simple, but yet haunting and inspiring at the same time.  I love that it starts slow and soothing and leads into the lyric :  " The storm is coming but I don't mind.  People are dying, I close my blinds......I want to change the world, instead I sleep.  I want to believe in more than just you and me.  But all I know is I'm breathing."

I used to be the person that would come running when help was needed.  I used to be the person that seeked out opportunities to help others...especially the women around me.  Lately I feel like I'm in my own small bubble.  I hear about things happening...babies being born, friends having a struggle, a friend's birthday, my neighbor having a miscarriage, etc  and I can't get myself to do anything about it.  It's not that I don't care, because I do.  But I can't muster up the energy to support or help them. 

The song starts to build as she sings over and over "All I can do is keep breathing, all I can do is keep breathing"....  And I feel like that is my anthem at the moment.  All I can do is keep breathing and take care of my family right now.  I do ache for the person that I once was, but I have lost sight of that person.  That person paid TOO MUCH attention to everything going on around her and couldn't meet her husband's needs and she got betrayed.  So I can't go back. HOW could I go back to being that person?  I don't want to hurt like this ever again.  Please don't let me hurt like this again.   

Adventure out into the world

 

There was a point after the affair was revealed that both my husband and I were kind of in a FUNK.  It was probably a little bit of depression.  We would talk about how we are not feeling much from life right now.  We started feeling really BLAH just thinking about how we wake up, go through our day (work, school, housework) and then have dinner and ultimately end up going to bed and then starting again the next day.  We talked about what could help us find more PURPOSE and HAPPINESS. 

 

We decided that ONE thing (out of several we discussed) that helps is to have adventures to look forward to!  Maybe we can't have an adventure every day, but we can start making plans.  What are the things you've always wanted to do?  We love to EXPLORE new places and now that our kids are a little older, we want to explore with them as well.  We took a vacation to St. George, Utah and yes, we have been there before, but we sought out things we haven't done yet while visiting there. 

 

It's amazing what can happen when you think about HOPES, DREAMS or ASPIRATIONS for your life.  My problem is usually remembering what they are sometimes or forgetting to work towards them.  So one tip for you : WRITE THEM DOWN!  It can be simple as keeping a list in your phone.  Your phone is something you take with you everywhere...so any time an idea pops in your head, you can whip it out and add it to the list!  Start making a list NOW!

 

Anyway, while on vacation, we wanted to hike, but wanted something closer to town than Snow Canyon.  We found the Dixie Overlook Trail off of Red Hills Parkway at about 400 N and 200 E near Pioneer Park.  They had picnic tables and a pavilion.  There were several different trails all around, so you could choose the difficulty.  The kids mainly had fun exploring and the VIEWS were incredible.  It's nice to look out on the world and remember how wonderful and beautiful life really is.

 

 

Can I hire a hitman?

With a title like that, you can tell that it has not been such a good day today.  You know what I mean...first I feel like googling someone who might be willing to take HER out for a reasonable amount of money.  But then comes the uncontrollable sobbing, swollen face, mascara on the pillow and feeling utterly alone and hopeless.  I really need to turn this around somehow.  It's almost like I REFUSE to be happy until SHE is completely out of my life.  For anyone who reads this, can you just say a quick little prayer or cross your fingers for me that SHE will move?  

 

I know you want to say "Don't let her have this kind of power over you!!" But guess what, she doesn't get any pleasure from seeing me down.  She was my friend and she made a big fat mistake and has apologized profusely.  She WANTS me to be happy again and wants my marriage to work out because it will make her feel better to see that.  So it makes me want to do the opposite because I feel like I'm never going to let her forget what she did to me and how much it has broken me.   

 

I really would love to find someone out there who has gone through this same thing.  All the blogs I find, the affair is not with someone who lives 5 houses away.  I want to know how someone else handled this!!  I am finding that I can not be friends with anyone who she is friends with and that is pretty hard because we had pretty much all the same friends.  So I isolate myself and tell myself I don't need any of them anyway. She can have them all. Whatever.  And then it builds and builds until I breakdown in a silent rage of swearing, name calling and crying.

 

Someone please tell me what to do.  And I don't want to hear "Oh, hunny, you've got to let it go and move on. That anger is going to eat you alive".  I want to hear a solution that doesn't include me having to be the bigger person and forgive, forget and get on with my life. 

 

Can WE move?  Let's just say that I would have been gone already if my husband were on board.  Would it be hard financially? Yes.  It would be financially impossible to buy another home right now, so we would have to rent this one out and rent somewhere else. We bought a home that we LOVE and that we have put a lot of time into and when we moved here we planned to stay until we grow old.  But I am willing to give that all up to just get the heck out of here.  I feel trapped.  I feel like I'm suffocating.  And there's a building resentment growing towards my husband for not letting us move. 

 

I just feel so alone.  My husband says he is there for me, but I feel like he should be willing to do anything to put me out of my misery.  He thinks moving isn't the answer.  Well, sorry for not trusting that he has any of the right answers after what he did.

Who can I trust?

One of the hardest and most traumatizing parts of the affair is that the Other Woman was one of my good friends from the ward and neighborhood.  I TRUSTED HER.  I was only there to help her and be her friend and this is how she repaid me. I mean, I don't expect things in return for being someone's friend, but I do expect you to not betray me!!  Is that too hard to ask????? 

I want to share the events that happened the week that I found out.  It was a Sunday when I really KNEW something was off with my husband and I decided I might have to follow him the next time he goes out.  It was Monday when SHE told her husband everything.  It was Tuesday that I got an email from her canceling a big event that they were going to hold at their house in a couple weeks.  When I got that email, I knew something BIG had to have happened for her to cancel her event.  I started talking to my husband about how I think HER husband might have had an affair or something and that I was going to try to make her a treat and go over and see if she needs to talk.  I talked about this with my husband for days before he finally told me the truth about what had happened.   

I was going to take her freaking COOKIES!!!!!  And all the while she was sneaking around with my husband behind my back.  So where does that leave me?  Well, it certainly makes me question who I can trust.  I have several friends in the same ward and neighborhood and I've known them all for the same amount of time that I knew HER.  So this whole ordeal has put all of those relationships into question and made me think that I don't want to be friends with ANYONE in this damn neighborhood!!! No one is REALLY my friend, right???? 

I came across this quote:

And it's true.  I DO have some real friends.  Friends that I've had for many many years and I can know for certain that there is not one of them that would ever do something like this to me.  And so I should appreciate and nurture THOSE friendships and not think that I need to be friends with everyone in the neighborhood.

So my advice to all of you out there?  Have your handful of REAL friends and focus on those relationships.   You can wave and smile and make small talk with others, but never feel pressured into inviting them into your personal circle.  It's not worth it.

 

Boundaries

Look, we are all going to make mistakes.  And some of them will happen whether we are careful or not, but I feel like it doesn't hurt to have boundaries. 

bound·a·ry

/ˈbaʊndəri, -dri/ Show Spell[boun-duh-ree, -dree]  

noun, plural bound·a·ries.

1. something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line.

 

 

We set them with our kids.  Don't walk alone after dark, don't communicate online with people you don't know, or don't talk to strangers.  WHY do we set boundaries for them?  Because we want to keep them SAFE!!!!  

 

So shouldn't we treat our marriage the same way?  Shouldn't we safeguard it against the things that might sneak up on us and threaten the bond we have as husband and wife?  

 

Now that I've witnessed how incredibly HARMFUL a seemingly unharmful text can be, one new boundary is that I communicate with the women and my husband can communicate with the men.  I've had girlfriends text us both at the same time and ask a question.  So in those situations I will answer for the both of us and vice versa. Why even put the opposite sex in your phone?? Just don't give yourself that opening.  And don't think you are above it all and that you would NEVER begin an emotional affair.  A very high percentage of people involved in emotional affairs will say that they never MEANT for it to happen.  It started casually and they got carried away.  So WHY EVEN PUT YOURSELF IN THAT POSITION TO BEGIN WITH???? 

 

It's my belief  that

MEN AND WOMAN CAN NOT BE FRIENDS

 

I know there are probably a lot of people out there that will disagree with this and that's fine, but I speak from experience. 

 

I think we can be friends as couples.  But in no way, shape or form should my husband be communicating on his own with any of the women we are friends with.  I don't care how casual the subject matter.  There is NO reason for it.  And no exceptions. That's all.

Thankful Thursdays

I admit that this is REALLY cheesy to list what I'm THankful for on THursdays.  But you're going to have to get over it because I am a nerd.  There, I've come out of the closet. 

 

I've had a lot of depression since finding out about the affair and I've had a hard time finding the good in my life.  There have been studies that show that gratitude can be an antidepressant.  Check out the following article for more info on that : http://www.rodale.com/happiness-gratitude-and-depression?page=0,0

 

I have heard this before.  And of course we learn in church how much our spirits can be boosted by keeping in mind the things that you are thankful for.  But I have never been good at it!!!  Yes, I know am grateful for many things, but apparently it helps to literally write them down.  So I'm going to try hard and do this at least once a week. 

 

Ok, so I'm going to try to start small and list at least 5 things that I am grateful for in this moment:

 

1.  A nice home to live in (since I spend a LOT more time here since the affair)

2.  Freedom of speech (this blog has saved me...a way to vent and get out my feelings!)

3.  Good health (I sometimes feel silly for complaining about my trials.  My family is healthy and no one has died.  I wish my gratefulness for this could overtake my grief, anger and sadness over the affair)

4.  The sunshine (good to see the sun today after a bitter winter)

5. Netflix (ok, this one is lame, but seriously I carry my kindle around with me and watch shows while I do my housework.  It helps keep my mind off of everything and lets me escape into someone else's world.  I don't care if it's not a real one)

 

This really must be something that needs to be practiced because I am exhausted.  I thought I might be able to list more, but I'm done now.  Maybe I'll have a better time with it next week. 

I'm sorry Justin Beiber...

 

I can't completely explain, but Justin Beiber's song "Boyfriend" is one of my triggers for the affair.  Lucky for me, it hasn't really been played on the radio anymore, and even if it is, I can easily change the radio station.  But of course today, as I'm standing in the middle of Walmart doing my shopping, the blasted song begins to play.  I heard those "whale sounds" (what IS that noise?) and I thought, "crap!".

 

Being seven months after the affair, the triggers don't hit me AS strong.  But in that moment, my heart still sped up, my stomach started to get in a knot and I wanted to yell at someone to change the damn song.  I had the urge to get the heck out of there, but figured the song would probably be over by the time I got out of the store, so what did I do?

 

LITERALLY PLUGGED MY EARS AND HUMMED TO MYSELF!!

 

I don't care how ridiculous I looked.

  

It's actually kind of sad because I liked that song.  I'm sorry Justin Beiber, because of the other woman, I now despise this song.  Such a shame.

Downton Abbey

My husband and I have finally joined the Downton Abbey craze.  I'm actually quite surprised it took me this long, seeing how much I love Pride and Prejudice!  But I always seem to be a little late with new fads.  I don't think I started reading Harry Potter until the seventh book was written! I think it's my reluctance to join in just because everyone else is doing it!  But that's a story for another time.

 

Anyway, we just watched an episode of Downton Abbey where a visiting soldier slept with one of the house maids and got her pregnant and won't take responsibility for his child.  The maid begged the owners of the home to help her convince him to help, but what did they say? That SHE was in the wrong. "Men will always be men, but for any young woman to let her judgment so desert her...." 

 

I know that's sad, but isn't it so true?  I think most of us would expect a married man to have an affair more than a married woman.  I don't know if it's because there's a tendency to think that men just can't help themselves/have no control or they don't THINK about things as much as women or because most have more opportunities (being away from home with jobs, etc). Or maybe it's a mix of all of it.

 

Marriage and motherhood can be frustrating at times and it can feel good to have someone to talk to about it.  As married women, as LDS married women, we UNDERSTAND each other.  We want to be there for each other...sharing recipes, books, advice, etc.   We don't sneak around with each other's husbands. Seriously. That is just wrong.

 

HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME???  We were friends for THREE years.  Of course I have other friends that I have had for 14+ years that I am much closer to, but they don't live nearby, so of course, I made friends with other ladies in the neighborhood.  I have 3 kids, and she has 3, and so we carpooled, babysat each other's kids, had girls night outs, celebrated birthdays, had family gatherings together, went on couple dates, and our families even went camping together!  Our kids liked to play with each other and our husbands even liked to hang out together.  It seemed like we couldn't find better friends!

But then one day, she decided it was OK to sneak around with my husband behind my back!! What the heck?!   She was in our Relief Society Presidency at the time for crying out loud!  (for those that don't know, in the LDS church, it is the leadership over the women and she has since been released)

  

So what I want to know, is what frame of mind does a married woman have to be in to BETRAY her friend and seduce her husband behind her back??!  I mean, this has to be a very flaky, unstable kind of woman, don't you think?