Love The One You Hold

I know Valentine's Day is past, but I wanted to share one of my favorite songs lately.  It's Lover Of The Light by Mumford and Sons.

 

As I always say, songs can be interpreted in a number of ways, but I especially love the chorus of this one.

 

"But love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light"

 

Commit to the person you are already with!  Make an effort and I strongly believe that you will find "gold" and "light" in your relationship!!

Here are all the lyrics for you:

 

And in the middle of the night

 I may watch you go.

 There'll be no value in the strength

Of walls that I'll have grown

There'll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown

But I'd be yours if you'd be mine

 

Stretch out my life and pick the seams out

Take what you like but close my ears and eyes

 Or watch me stumble over and over

I had done wrong you built your tower

But call me home

and I will build a throne

 And wash my eyes out never again

 

But love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

 

With skin too tight and eyes like marbles

You spin me high so watch me as I glide

Before I tumble homeward,

homeward I know I've tried I was not stable

 And flawed by pride

I miss my sanguine eyes

So hold my hands up

Breathe in and breathe out

 

So love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

 

And in the middle of the night I may watch you go.

 There'll be no value in the strength

 Of walls that I'll have grown

 There'll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown

You may not trust the promises of the change I'll show

But I'd be yours If you'd be mine

 

So love the one you hold

And I'll be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

So love the one you hold

And I will be your gold

To have and to hold

A lover of the light

After Ever After - funny Disney parody

I'm sorry, this is going to be random,

but this was just too funny and WELL DONE not to share.

Especially when I relate!

I LOVE love stories!

But what happens after the happy ending?

Life certainly goes on, right?

See my ABOUT ME section

Anyway, then I saw the video and thought it was so creative...enjoy

AWESOME Valentine's Gift Idea

Warning: More sexy talk....

Hey, it IS Valentines day coming up!

This is a great Valentine's Day Gift Idea, or anniversary gift idea

 

Let me introduce you to a

Boudoir Session

 

 

 

A lot of people don't know what this is.

It's basically a photo session of you in lingerie.

But it can be as clean and tasteful as you want it to be.

 

I know, I know....it's hard to want to do something like this when you're not feeling skinny.  And these pictures don't really help...I'm sorry.  But honestly...your husband is going to have his eyes pop out that you did this for him. 

 

You can get lingerie that helps cover the parts you are the most insecure about, and if you have a good photographer, she can get shoot the angles that work best for you and highlight your best features.  I like the idea of the outfit with the see through sweater...it can be sexy to see a bra underneath, but the sweater can help hide your love handles. 

 

You'll need some red lipstick (Be bold!)

Well, bring a few different lipsticks

Glamour yourself up like you're going out on a fancy date.

And indulge in a few new pieces for the bedroom. (Husband's favorite color?)

Some high heels might be fun

Even a sexy dress up/Halloween costume (does your husband have a fantasy? sexy nurse? haha)

Depending how comfortable you are, you might want to show a little more skin.  Maybe shirt off, but covering your chest with your arms.  Hey, this IS your husband after all.  He's seen you naked!

 

Maybe it will motivate you to get healthy and exercise and when you drop a few pounds, go for it!

But even if you don't, seriously, just get what works for you

What will make you the sexiest is not how much you weigh, but how much you have confidence in yourself.  As much as you don't want to believe it, your husband THINKS YOU'RE SEXY no matter what!  So Rock That Body!!  Bring out your inner sex goddess!! I know it's in there somewhere!

 

All I want to say, is think about it. 

I know my body is just going to go downhill from here, so I'm so glad I did it.

Not just for my husband, but for me too!  

Knock your husband's socks off this Valentine's Day

 Just to warn you, I'm just going to let myself go in this post.  Throw all caution to the wind.   Why is it a little bit hard for some of us to talk about the sexual nature of our relationships?!  It just feels like something that should be kept within the bedroom.  Ha!   BUT I am a big believer that we can all learn a lot from each other and I do think that sex should be included in that.  It's just as important a part of our relationships as anything else, and my blog DOES have a lot to do with helping you in your relationships. So here we go!

 

 

"She was standin' in the kitchen with nothin' but her apron on"

Oh yes.

You know where I'm going with this.

No more only having sex late at night with all the lights off.

Have a little fun, will ya?!

 

Some of you might remember this sweet little song, "Somewhere Other Than The Night" by Garth Brooks.  I'm not sure how many people it has inspired, but I know it inspired ME.  I really wanted to do something different last year for Valentines Day. I stepped out of my shell and let me tell you, it was completely worth it.  Here's what you can do:

 

Get rid of the kids before your husband gets home from work. Check!

Shower and shave your legs. Check!

Put on some panties and an apron. (nothing else!)  Check!

Be ready with ingredients to cook dinner together.  Check!

Optional...light some candles, put out some rose petals, set a the dinner table with some bubbly.  Check!

Have an apron ready for the hubby. (of course I'm not going to be the only naked one in the kitchen!) Check!

Be standing in the kitchen with nothing but your apron on when your hubby walks in. Check!

Make love before dinner.  NOPE!

PS: Does anyone REALLY say making love? I was trying to be more appropriate/romantic, but maybe I'll just say what I would normally say. haha

Do it after dinner.  NOPE!

Do it after you massage each other in front of the fire.  NOPE!

 

Don't get me wrong...do plenty of touching, kissing, whatever, but after dinner and after giving each other a massage, we got dressed and went to a movie!! We found ourselves to be very cuddly and touchy feely at the movie and by the time we got home, we were REA-DY.

 

And let me tell you...it was one of the best sexual experiences I've had in my 13 years of marriage....for both of us!

Hope you'll try it! ;)

Gossip Girl, Soulmates & Protecting Your Relationship

 I have finished yet another television series on Netflix!  Honestly, I started this one out of pure boredom...I needed a new show to watch as I did chores around the house and I couldn't really find one that stood out to me.  I am a HUGE 'judge a book by it's cover' person, even though I know it's wrong...I can't help it!  I always REFUSED to watch Gossip Girl because it looked so, well, for a lack of a better word...slutty.  I kept thinking there have GOT to be other shows out there like Parenthood (all time favorite), but I searched and searched and can never find anything! If you have any favorites, please comment! haha

 

ANYWAY, Gossip Girl always DID catch my eye because I knew Blake Lively from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and LOVE that movie.

 

AND I knew Leighton Meester from Country Strong...

 

 

SOOOOOOO, I gave in.  I tried the first episode.  I think I rolled my eyes because it was exactly how I expected it to be.  BUT, I let myself watch a few episodes and of course, it hooked me in...I wanted to see what happens with these characters.  

 

Would I recommend it? Eh, I don't know...it was interesting...but seriously just like a soap opera, but glammed up.  haha Seriously, all of the main characters had dated and/or slept with everyone in the main group at one time or another, but of course they were all still friends in the end. ;)  A little ridiculous if you ask me, but oh well...I watched it...all 6 seasons! 

It did, however, reinforce something I always knew. 

The importance of protecting your relationship.

 

I'm not sure I believe in soul mates.

I don't think that there is ONLY one person that can make you happy

or that there is ONLY one person you click with completely

 

I believe

that if you spend enough time with a person,

that you can grow to love them.

Just as many people will say that their love for their spouse GROWS with every passing day.

Look at arranged marriages...yes, not every one of them ends up perfectly happy,

BUT, there are so many that DO!

They perhaps start more as a friendship

but as they spend so much time together and learn more about each other,

 it gives them the opportunity to connect emotionally,

which often times leads to LOVE.

 

Look at how many times we hear about actors or actresses that get divorced and end up with someone they worked with in a movie!

Is it because they finally found the person they were MEANT to be with?!

NO! I don't think so AT ALL.

I think it's because they spent hundreds of hours working intimately with this person

and love grew out of that friendship.

 

What I'm trying to say is

 BE CAREFUL of friendships of the opposite sex.

I'm not going to say that you can't be "friends" with a member of the opposite sex

But I AM going to say I don't believe that it is a very SAFE place.

 

I have watched my husband over the years be very friendly with everyone he meets

He is a good friend

He is easy to talk to

He enjoys good conversation with other people.

But many times when he has let himself talk to another woman more than he should,

it gets out of hand. 

Without him meaning it to.

 

But that's just it. 

We are human

We are going to make mistakes

BUT that doesn't mean we can't take appropriate measures to help assure we don't keep making the same ones, right? 

Boundaries are OK. 

It is so important to safeguard our relationship.

Anything can happen.

I'm telling you people, ANYTHING can happen.

And it can happen completely out of the blue.

Just be careful.

That's all I wanted to say.

5 Steps To Overcoming Your Mistakes

{There's this REALLY interesting youtube channel called VSauce. Almost everything he has to say is pretty fascinating.  And he says it in such an interesting way! Go check it out }

A video from VSauce inspired this post.

His video called MISTAKES

 

"(Mistakes) are as much a part of us today

As the stuff we've gotten right"

 

 

I like the metaphor he gives at 6:23

Here is what he says:

"How do you deal with regret?
Guilt? 

Can you?

Stuff in your past is like a carving on the bark of a sapling

Over time the scar, the carving, won't go away

Because of the way trees grow, it won't go up and down much either

It'll just stay right where it began.

It might even get darker,

but it won't get bigger.

YOU, however

CAN!

You can keep growing

Doing more things, more branches

BE more things!

The wound won't get smaller,

but you can make IT a smaller part of who you are."

Of course, this is easier said than done.

Here are 6 steps to follow
when trying to overcome your mistakes

1. FEEL SOMETHING : Whether it's guilt or regret or shame, it's a good sign..  It means that you recognize that you made a mistake and you feel bad about it. You can't learn from your mistakes if you don't even feel like you made one!  And don't be ashamed of your SHAME.  Don't lie to avoid confronting your shame and guilt.  The people who truly love you in your life will be ready to listen and will still accept you for who you are.  So don't be afraid to feel something and share those feelings!!

2.  ACCEPT IT :  Let go of trying to justify your mistake. Let go of trying to place blame.  No matter who or what led to your decision, it was still YOUR choice. Just accept that you made a mistake.  It's part of life.  We all make them.  Man up and just take responsibility for the mistake that you made and tell yourself that you want to do better. YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN A VALUABLE LIFE LESSON, but you have to first take responsibility.

3. APOLOGIZE : If your mistake affected another person, it is important that you let them know you are sorry.  They may not be ready to forgive you, but the important thing is that they hear you say it. It's the only way to begin to rebuild trust.  If you are religious, this may be the time to get on your knees and ask forgiveness from your Father in Heaven.  He wants to help you through it and take the guilt off of your shoulders.

4. UNDERSTAND & LEARN : Why did the mistake happen? To avoid making the same mistakes, sometimes we learn of a bad habit that we need to break.  Is there something that could have done to avoid the mistake? Maybe you shouldn't have been in a certain place or been with a certain person at all.  Don't let yourself fall into the "What Ifs" so you can start beating yourself up again, but let yourself see how you got into the situation in the first place so that you can LEARN from them.  We need to learn something from our mistakes to be able to view your them as useful stepping stones on our way to a better life. Learning from them will help us lower the risk of repeating them.

5. LIGHTEN UP : Don't be so hard on yourself! Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person.  Making stupid decisions doesn't mean you are a stupid person.  It's the way you handle them that determines what kind of person you are. Let go of PERFECTION and you will feel so much lighter.   Handle your mistakes with grace & maturity (by following all of the above steps) and you will slowly start to be able to forgive yourself and move on. 
 

Say Something

 

This is a REALLY popular song right now

"Say Something" by A Great Big World, feat Christina Aguilera

I hear it all over the radio

It really is beautiful to listen to

But can be so sad when you really listen to the words

Push play and follow the lyrics below

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 I'll be the one, if you want me to.

 Anywhere I would've followed you.

 Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

And I am feeling so small.

 It was over my head

 I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.

 I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl.

Say something,

 

I'm giving up on you.

 I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere I would've followed you.

 Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

And I will swallow my pride.

 You're the one that I love

 And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

 And anywhere I would've followed you.

Oh-oh-oh-oh

 Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

 Say something...

 

 

I'm sure this song can be interpreted a number of ways

The video itself poses 3 different situations someone might be in when relating to this song

It touched me most when relating to a couple struggling in their relationship

 

My favorite part of the lyrics are

"I know nothing at all

And I will stumble & fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl"

 

It is SO TRUE!

Isn't it?

I don't think there is anyone on this earth that knows how to love perfectly

There are so many factors that affect how we love

How we grew up

The people who loved us and raised us

And then you meet someone who may have learned how to love in a different way

And then everything we experience along the way

 changes who we are and how we love

 

When my husband cheated on me,

it wasn't physical

It was emotional

And going through that experience taught me that

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

I had barely touched the surface of what it means to love

There were so many things I wasn't doing

Because I hadn't yet learned how

 

That's why second chances are so important

Instead of getting so frustrated or angry with our spouse over something we feel they should have
already KNOWN how to do,

We need to understand that we are all still learning

So SAY SOMETHING

Talk to your spouse in a loving way

Let them know that you love them

But that you need something to change

Have a heartfelt conversation

 

And if you are on the receiving end of this plea

LISTEN and then SAY SOMETHING back

Don't let yourself get defensive

Don't let yourself feel judged

Don't let yourself pull away from them right when they are trying to reach out.

Your version of the song doesn't have to include

"And I'm saying goodbye"

Relating to Parenthood, the TV show

Absolutely LOVE this show! The actors are so REAL and genuine...they do an amazing job.  It's the kind of show you wish would just go on FOREVER!! My husband and I watch this together and I love it.  Lots of FEEL GOOD moments that can bring you closer together.  There are also so many story lines that people in all different situations can relate to.  I highly, highly recommend this show.

 

The most recent episodes have been a little difficult to watch for me. We are in the middle of season 5 and Julia and Joel have been having a hard time in the marriage.  Joel's job has been very demanding of his time and they have been feeling a DISCONNECT. This will happen to all of us. I have mentioned before, that it is just normal that there will be times of disconnect in our relationships.  That's not the bad part.  The bad part is when we don't recognize it until it's too late, OR we recognize it, but don't do anything about it.

In Joel and Julia's case...they just can't get on the same page.  And in the meantime, there is another parent from their kids school, Ed Brooks, that has formed a friendship with Julia.  They have formed feelings for each other and when Julia recognized that this was not appropriate, she tried to tell Ed that they can't be friends anymore.  Needless to say, that conversation ended with Ed kissing her.  

 

This storyline really hits home with me.  My husband's affair started the same way.  He formed a friendship with another woman and he felt connected to her in a way that he had NOT been feeling with me at that time.  In this type of situation, the persons involved don't go into the friendship looking for an affair or planning on one.  IT JUST HAPPENS. IT JUST HAPPENS people. 

 

Julia didn't know what to do...she was confused for her feelings for Ed...she feels like he "Sees" her.  It is just SO crazy, because this is what my husband had told me about the woman he had the affair with.  "She understood him". 

She went to her older brother Adam and I LOVE the advice he gave her:

"Julia, listen to me, whatever is feeling good right now about Ed, is just related to how bad things are feeling with Joel, alright?  And it is not worth it.  It's not about him, this is about you and Joel. And you've got to focus on your marriage.  It's about you and your family. It's not worth it, ok? You've got to get this guy out of your life and forget about him.  Figure your stuff out with Joel. "

Isn't that amazing? I wish that everyone had someone like that to talk to...to get them back on course when confused.  I hope that can speak to any of you out there that might be feeling a disconnect with your spouse and feeling like turning to someone else who you feel might understand you better.  DON'T DO IT.  IT'S NOT WORTH IT.  YOU CAN GET BACK WHAT YOU HAD WITH YOUR SPOUSE.  YOU CAN! The disconnect doesn't mean it's over and the new connection does NOT mean you might be meant to be with that other person.  But you need to TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE about it.  Get help if you need to. But your marriage CAN and WILL get better if you both work on it.

 The other part that really hit home was the part where Joel confronted Julia and asked if she was having an affair.  BEGGED HER TO TELL HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON.  That if there is anything he needed to know to TELL HIM PLEASE!

 

I had a moment like that before finding out about the affair.  I confronted my husband and asked "Is there something going on?"  And he did just as Julia did and told me No, there's nothing going on.  But I'm telling you....WE FEEL IT.  We may not be able to articulate that it's an affair or whatever, but we FEEL THAT SOMETHING IS OFF.  I talked more about this experience here: http://mrdarcycheated.blogspot.com/2013/08/a-freaky-journal-entry.html

I just WISH he would have talked to me about it!!!! I had NO CLUE that anything was feeling off in our marriage.  I would do anything to go back and have him tell me the truth in that moment. JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER PEOPLE! The truth needs to come out for the fixing to begin.

 

Not everyone has a happy ending to these situations.  Sometimes the betrayed party feels that it is too hard to get over and would rather leave than work on it.  Sometimes the one who betrayed decides to see if the grass is greener on the other side.  But I am CROSSING MY FINGERS that Joel and Julia can work this out and we can see more of this:

 

Feeling crazy like Gatsby

We just recently rented The Great Gatsby.  I read this book in high school, but didn't remember much about it other than I don't think I liked it and thought it was boring.  I really think Baz Lurman brought this book to life on the screen.  He was the director of Moulin Rouge also, and you can tell when you watch.  The styles are similar....eye candy.  LOVED Moulin Rouge. 

 Gatsby said something towards the end of the film that struck me:

"If I can just get back to the start...."

He was obsessed with wiping out the 5 years he had lost with his love Daisy.  But he was not just wanting to start over, he was wanting to pretend those 5 years didn't exist basically.  He kind of seemed like he wasn't right in the head, but I sort of got it.  

How many times have I wished that POOF, all the bad things could be whisked away from my memory and I could be sent back in time to do it all over again.  But do it in a better way of course.  In a way that avoids all the pain and heartache.  So many times I've wished this.  That's all Gatsby wanted.  He just wanted to start over.  

 

Nick Carraway told him: “You can’t repeat the past.”

 

“Can’t repeat the past?” he cried incredulously. “Why of course you can!”

 

And he was dead set on making that happen! haha  Sure, he sounds a little crazy, but that HOPE that you feel from him.  You almost believe him!

 

It's just too bad that he lost everything by being obsessed with this goal. If he had just accepted the past for what it was and let it go, he could have moved forward with the love of his life and lived happily ever after. 

 

So yes, I sometimes feel a little crazy like Gatsby, but I do understand that what is done is done.  It's in the past.  There's no redoing it.  No matter how hard a person tries...the past can't be forgotten. It becomes a part of you. It changes you.  Sometimes for the worse, but hopefully for the better. Accepting this is part of moving on.  It won't make everything better, but it's a start.  

Kill Me Now

I'm sorry, but I must vent on this post today. What happened today is mind blowing.

 

 To help you understand this, let me start by saying that I have been married almost 13 years.  I have a best friend who was there with me through it all and I have waited for her to find the same happiness! It took 13 years, but she did it!!! She got married today!!! We finished all the pictures at the Salt Lake Temple and I said goodbye to her and was SO happy on such a perfect day and I was walking away with a smile on my face. 

 

As I walked past the temple, and looked over at the temple stairs, there SHE was . 
The other woman!!
The woman who has been a thorn in my side ever since the affair
 It looked like her brother had just gotten married and they were doing pictures!!!!!!

 

What the #^%#???? 

 

Mind you, this is 45 minutes from home
And I RARELY see anyone I know from my neighborhood when I'm out
Of all days for me to run into her. 

Kill. Me. Now. 

 

The moment I saw her, it was like a scene from a movie:

 All of a sudden all movement went into slow motion

The smile disappeared from my face

And the world around me came crashing down

Needless to say I basically ran by and found a corner and had a panic attack. 

Took a little while to calm myself down

 

Some of you might be wondering...

"why is she having a panic attack when she runs into her over a year after the affair happened?"

 

Well, first of all, you might have forgotten that it has been a little hard to move on,
WHEN SHE IS STILL IN MY WARD!!!
I'm not sure I know how to make you understand how hard this is.
I would never wish this on another person.

 

Second of all, refer to my post about Post Traumatic Stress

I have this

And it's REALLY hard when I am reminded of anything to do with the affair

And seeing her is the worst for me.

On a positive note,
apparently we found out later that they saw us INSIDE the temple,
as they were going IN to a wedding ceremony
and we were coming OUT
THANK THE HEAVENS that I did not see them at that time
But still....I have NEVER ran into ANYONE from my ward while downtown
much less IN the temple!!
Of all people to run into
I just don't understand

I don't understand why I have to continue to go through this
Why the torment is never ending. 

6 ways to stay TUNED IN to your spouse

I started reading this book, Fall In Love For Life, and I've been excited about it.  I will be sharing more things from this, but one thing she says deals with affairs and also with tuning in to your partner.

 

On having affairs  

"Some people have affairs because they tell themselves that they deserve more attention than they get at home. Or maybe they get annoyed because they feel that all of their needs aren't getting met by their partner. Well, whoever told them that one person could meet their every need? You can actually live quite comfortably without having all of your needs met. Try thinking about it that way; you might be surprised how liberating it is. You are not perfect, and neither is your partner, but you can make a very pleasant life together if you are both serious about providing the love and support that go along with a marriage."

I do believe it's true that we can't be expected to meet EVERY need of our spouse, but we need to remember that as human beings, we NEED TO FEEL LIKE SOMEONE CARES about us.  And I believe that so many affairs could be prevented if both spouses felt like their partner was truly TUNED IN to them.  

Cutie Cooper also says : On tuning in to your partner

"I think the place where good marriages break down is when one or both parties begin to take the other person for granted. And yet it's understandable that this happens. Life is complicated and can be exhausting, so there is always a temptation when you get home to just tune out, because home is one place where you should feel safe enough to let your guard down this way. But there's a difference between relaxing and disengaging, and while relaxing is a healthy way to recharge your psychic and spiritual batteries, disengaging is a drain on you and your relationships. Nothing is more important than that you recognize the difference and stay present for all the people you love."  

I teared up a little when I read that because that is one BIG mistake that I have made over the years.  I would DISENGAGE from my husband without even knowing it.  I thought I was listening, but I wasn't always fully PRESENT. I'm a busy person!

My husband does NOT blame me for his affair, but as we go to therapy we talk about feelings and he has often felt that I don't care about him or anything he has to say or that I'm not interested.  I was flabbergasted!! Of course I CARE and am INTERESTED.  But because I wasn't fully tuning in and engaging, I gave him the impression that I didn't REALLY care. 

 

And all it took was for another woman to pay attention to him and it made him feel good and things went downhill from there. :(

TAKE IT FROM ME:

1.  STOP AND LISTEN : When your partner starts to talk about something, STOP whatever it is you're doing or thinking and LISTEN!  No matter what it is...it could be a joke he read out of the reader's digest.  The point IS that he is talking to you because he wants to connect and while the joke might not seem important, it is important to HIM or he wouldn't be sharing! So LISTEN and ENGAGE!  It's an opportunity to connect with who you love.

2.  EYE CONTACT : From "The Art of Manliness Blog", he says that "eye contact shows attention and creates an intimate bond.  It shows the speaker that you're tuned in to what he's saying and it creates moments where you are really able to feel what he is feeling and it leaves the receiver of your gaze feeling more positive about your interaction and CONNECTED to you".   As we go through therapy, the counselor always makes sure we are looking at each other when trying to convey our feelings. It works!!  You are also less likely to be angry or yell at your spouse if you are sitting across from them looking into their eyes.

3.  BE HONEST : If you get distracted and really can NOT listen, then kindly stop him and let him know you want to hear the rest of it, but to give you a minute or something.  The worst thing I've done is to sort of half listen because I didn't want to be rude and I couldn't stop what I was doing.  But when I would do that, I missed something he said or sometimes couldn't even remember it later! That makes the other person feel like you didn't really care what they had to say.

4.  BE INTERESTED I love how Danielle said it from her blog "Fancy Little Things" : "Get excited about the things they get excited about!  If it isn’t necessarily your ‘cup of tea’, so what!  Try a sip!  You may just like it."  I am telling you, I found this to be true!  After I found out about the affair and I dropped many of the things that were keeping me occupied, all I wanted to do was be with him and it just so happened to be football season, so I sat with him while it was on, even though I didn't really care for it and never have.  He is a huge fan of a certain team and he would tell me about the players and explain the game to me and who would have EVER thought, but I BECAME A FAN TOO! And now I really do enjoy watching.  Do I have to watch EVERY sports game? No, but I enjoy keeping up with the team that he loves. And I love to watch him get excited to tell me about it.  I feel good that he knows he can come to me and I'm interested.

5.  ASK QUESTIONS : Don't always let him be the one to come to you.  Beat him to it and ask him how his day was and then follow all the suggestions above. ;)   Going above and beyond  would be to ask questions about something he's previously talked about...FOLLOW UP on something he was working on the day before or a problem he might have been working through, etc. 

6. GO TO BED AT THE SAME TIME : Ok, so this might be a hard one and it might not be able to be done every night.  But this MUST happen at least a few times a week.  Our days are so busy that realistically there is probably no time to TALK until you are both laying in bed at the end of the day.  It's strange how just laying there together can spark conversation about things you didn't even know you might talk about.  I can't emphasize how important this one is.  Start now!

This might seem like a lot. Just remember that as long as you're making a conscious effort, you'll be just fine.  It also needs to work on both ends.  So if you are the one that feels like your partner doesn't care, you can sit down with them, make eye contact and share your feelings and maybe even share this post. ;) 

 

10 ways to have the Best Date Night

 

The purpose of Date Night is the time to RECONNECT and REDISCOVER each other and leave the demands of the daily schedule behind. 

 

You've probably heard this from me before, but it is impossible stay connected throughout an entire marriage without working for it.  A marriage consists of the cycle of connecting, disconnecting, and reconnecting again.  The disconnection is inevitable.  In fact, the trouble in a marriage (i.e. an affair) doesn't stem from the DISCONNECTION, but when we don't make the effort to RECONNECT when needed! 

 

People often misunderstand that in order to have a good date night, it must be well planned, elaborate or expensive.  While all of these things can contribute to amazing date nights, they are not necessary to having some of the best dates of your life.  You will find that the best date nights don't rely on what you DO on them, as much as what you FEEL from them.  We need to feel CONNECTED to each other.  And when we feel connected we feel happier and more secure in our relationship.  Here are 10 ways you can be sure to connect on date night:

 

1.  Touching.  Let me start by saying that it is not a true date night without touching each other.  Hold hands, touch their back, give their leg a squeeze, lean in for a kiss, the possibilities are endless.

2.  Meaningful Conversation.  Put your phones away and focus on each other!  In a world where texting is becoming the dominant way to communicate, chances for a one on one conversation are more important than ever! If you need help, you can always google conversations starters, like my 50 random questions found HERE.
3. Take turns doing what the other person loves to do.  You may not love going to a sporting event or you might despise the idea of taking a cooking class together, but if you know your spouse would thoroughly enjoy this, then let yourself find out why!!  Not only might you learn something new from your spouse, but they will feel more connected to you, knowing you care about the things they love.
4.  Planning.  I don't mean spending hours working up the perfect date.  But just enough thought into it to make sure you are not falling back on what is easiest and most convenient. It might even be fun taking turns deciding what you're going to do for date night.
5. Touch each other! PS: there are no rules on PDA when you are married. Who cares if it bothers other people, you are trying to connect with your lover!
6. Try new things.  Get out of your comfort zone.  We know you love the rolls at Texas Roadhouse, or that you crave the Tomato Basil Soup at Zupas.  But it's not going to hurt you to go somewhere NEW.  New foods and places not only stimulate new taste buds, but new growth! It may not be a wonderful experience every time, but it will at least give you something to talk about!
7.  Simplify.  No need to be elaborate.  Go out to eat and then stop at a park and play cards on a blanket. Or take the game home in front of the fire with drinks on a chilly evening.  The phrase "go big or go home" does not apply to date night.
8. Did I mention touching? Heck, find a place to park and do it in the back seat.  You'd be surprised what this will do for your connection. ;)
9.  Wake Up!  Yes, we all start to feel older as the years go by. And yes, we might like to be in bed by 9:30pm, but shake it off!  Stop thinking about how tired you are and let yourself feel alive again and have fun! 
10.  Feel the love.  Take a moment to look at your wife or husband and remember what you love about them.  Just a second to REALLY look at them and ENJOY being there with them.  It's easy to become SO comfortable in our relationship that we stop thinking about how truly blessed we are to be with the person we love.  Be thankful and feel free to mention it. Or even better, show them through touch. ;)

"Bottom line is, marriage is HARD"

Let me start by saying I watch a lot of tv and movies on Netflix.  I work on the computer a lot and I used to like to listen to music while I did that, or while I cleaned the house, but now I like to watch shows.  haha  So I kind of watch whatever jumps out at me, or peaks my curiosity. 

I came upon The Kids Are Alright and I was curious about it mainly because I liked all the actors, but also because it had been nominated for an Oscar for best picture and won the Golden Globe for best picture in 2011. 

 

Honestly... I didn't love it.  It was ok, but I probably won't ever watch it again or recommend it.  I give it a 2.5 out of 5 stars. BUT there were a few "moments" that stood out to me that I wanted to share. 

 

One of the main characters had an affair and everyone in the house was upset with her and giving her the cold shoulder and finally when she couldn't take it anymore, she stands in front of her family and says:

 

"Bottom line is, marriage is hard.  It's really freaking hard.  It's just two people sloggin through the crap, year after year, getting older, changing.  It's a freaking marathon, ok? So sometimes, you know, you're together so long, you stop seeing the other person and just see weird projections of your own junk.  Um, instead of talking to each other, you go off the rails and act grubby and make stupid choices.  Which is what I did, and I feel sick about it because I love you guys, and I love your mom, and that's the truth.  Sometimes you hurt the ones you love the most.  I don't know why."

A few things rang true to me in that speech. 

First, that marriage IS hard.  And anyone who says it isn't is either lying or has amnesia. 

Second, it is just a fact that we are all going to change as the years pass.  We learn, we grow, we become different people almost.  Some more than others.  But this is SO important to realize in a marriage because we don't need to be afraid of changes, but we do need to acknowledge and accept them and figure out how to work around them.

Third, when you are with someone for so long, it's easy to get stuck in the same mundane routine day after day and we start to lose sight of what is important in a marriage.  Yes, the mundane routine is probably unavoidable if you are human.  BUT You don't have to only have vanilla ice cream every single day!  While vanilla ice cream MUST be eaten every day, it doesn't mean you can't throw some different toppings on here and there to spice it up a little! Catch my drift? 

Fourth, the WORST thing you can do when the above three things are happening is to keep your thoughts to yourself.  You must TALK to each other!!  Talk about what's hard.  Talk about the changes you are feeling.  Talk about what's missing from your marriage.  Talking will help you to CONNECT again and to make sure that you don't "go off the rails and make stupid choices."

And lastly, stupid choices are probably inevitable for everyone.  Nobody is perfect.  Nobody knows how to be in a perfect marriage.  For some darned reason, we DO hurt the ones we love the most.  You don't know how many times I've asked myself WHY?!!  WHY would we do such things that break our loved ones in two?  We just do.  So the best we can do is pick ourselves up and keep trying.  Learn from the stupid choices and try your hardest to not let it happen again. 

I did like how the movie ended.  The couple decided to stay together and work on what they had.  Hopefully they were able to learn from their stupid choices and continue to love each other and live life to the fullest and find happiness again.  I think that's what we all hope for ourselves, don't you think?

On a positive note

Again, I'm sorry for being so depressing this last while!

And again, no one is probably listening, but I still feel the need to apologize.

 

Now that I got all that out, I felt the need to let you know that we have come a long way in the last year, my husband and I.

 

One year later I feel like he loves me 100%.

One year later I feel like I love him 100%.

One year later I am finding things that make me happy and trying to focus on them.

One year later I am feeling like my husband and I are better friends than we ever have been our entire marriage.
One year later I feel like we have a deep, emotional connection that we've never had before

One year later I feel like I can turn to my husband for comfort and know he will be there for me.

One year later I feel like I am important, that I am needed, that I am loved

One year later I feel like we actually made it through the hell that we went through
One year later I can say that I'm thankful that we have made it through this.

One year later I can say that I will be loved by this man for the rest of eternity.

 

So things may not be all the way better

But there are plenty of things to be thankful for

I was trying to think what kind of picture I would add to this post

and I thought of a sunrise.

As I searched for one I liked

I remembered one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies of all time

Pride and Prejudice

I wanted to share it with you.

I particulary love the music in the first minute or so

while her love is walking towards her

and I love that throughout the scene the sun is rising.

I'm sorry I'm such a nerd, but here is the scene

Thanks for listening  

My world shattered

Well, I can now say it's been ONE YEAR since my world shattered.

One year since I found out my husband had fallen in love with one of my friends.

One year since my heart was broken into so many pieces that I'm not sure I've gotten them all back yet. 

One year since I felt like I didn't want to live anymore.

 

I don't have the full story of that dreadful day anywhere on here and as it is on my mind, maybe writing it down will help to purge it from my thoughts: 

The affair started with a harmless text.  My husband knew HER because she was in our ward.  Over the few years that we lived here, our families became friends and would often do activities together.  I enjoyed time with just HER for girls nights and my husband was also good friends with her husband.  Our kids got along and would often play together.  My husband and HER both enjoyed running, and so that one thing in common got the talking started.  The only problem is that they both kept their conversations secret from their spouses.  Over a month's time, there were over 4000 texts shared, 8 long phone conversations (40-100 min each), 6 meetings in person, 2 kisses, and they decided that they fell in love. 

During the month that the affair went on, SHE was always contacting me, setting up playdates or inviting my husband and I to do things.  SHE even had the audacity to start planning a couples trip for us.  I thought that SHE just really considered me a good friend.  Boy was I stupid.  I was also noticing that my husband kept picking small fights with me over small things, which gave him an excuse to go for a walk or bike ride or drive.  When it neared the end, I wrote in my journal about how uneasy I was feeling about how he was acting.  I told myself I'd have to follow him the next time he went out.  I even asked him if something else was going on and he would just say no and even hug me and tell me he was sorry to have worried me.  On a separate note, I started getting bugged by HER and all the time we were spending together, but never did it cross my mind that SHE and my husband were sneaking around together.

They knew that things were going too far.  I was noticing something was wrong, and so did HER husband.  SHE said her husband was discovering the truth.  She needed to tell him everything and asked my husband what she should tell him (basically a question of are they leaving their spouses or not) and my husband said "I can't do that to 6 kids".  And so they said goodbye and had no more contact there after.

The day he told me, it was just like any other day.  Did some gardening, ran to the store, etc  I was so happy and excited that day, as we were having people over for a barbeque.

 At 12:40, I got a text from him saying "check your email and then call me".  I checked the computer and there was an email from him with the title "Email seems to be our best form of communication.".  But the email was BLANK.  That was weird.  For some reason I started to get a knot in my stomach. I called him and told him the email was blank.  He said, "What? Are you sure? That's weird.  Well, I'm going to have to just read it to you then".  I FROZE, although I was confused, I knew this couldn't be good.  He began to read:

Elizabeth,

I know I'm a coward for emailing instead of talking to you.  This seems to be our best way to communicate.  But still...you have to know this.

I know why you've been feeling weird about ***.  It's because of me. You were right when you said we were getting too attached.  Over the last month, I've been having deep conversations with *** over text, and a few phone calls. We fell in love and I know that sucks and it's not right...

[PAUSE STORY: At this point, I started screaming "nooooooooo!!!!! no! no! no!" Into the phone]

...This is the reason I've been going for walks and bike rides at weird times... 

[PAUSE STORY: yelling, "no! no! no! I KNEW IT! I KNEW something was wrong! nooooo!!!" (histerical sobbing)]

...to get away to think and to communicate with ***.  I'm so sorry for betraying you like this.  Nothing happened physically between *** and me. 

[PAUSE STORY: I found out later that that was not completely true. They had met up at least 6 times and kissed twice]

It was Monday when we shut it down, and it is over.  She told her husband Monday night.  And I haven't dared to talk to you about it.  I don't have any contact with *** any more.  Part of me wants to keep this from you to keep you from hurting.  Maybe I shouldn't tell you.  But I can't not tell you.  I'm tired of hurting you.  That's all I do, continually throughout our whole marriage.  I'm not a good person. My truth is what hurts you because my truth is crappy.

I love you "Elizabeth", and that will never change.  But I have to stop hurting you.  You're better off without me "Elizabeth".  Nobody is better off with me.  I just can't face hurting you anymore.  I don't know what to do.  You deserve so much more and better than the kind of person I am.

I'm so sorry.  I love you.

 

When he finished, the only sounds were of me sobbing and yelling.  I don't even think I heard the last half of the letter.  All I knew is that my life as I knew it was over.  I couldn't believe that this was happening.  I canceled our barbeque and anything else that I could.

I wrote a long email to HER.  It was a very spur of the moment rant about how could she do this, I thought she was my friend, someone has to move now, this can't work living in the same neighborhood, our kids will never play together again, I'm upset, hurt, angry, etc....I just wanted to punch her and yell at her.

Anyway, when my husband got home, I couldn't even look at him.  I had stopped crying by then and just walked around the house aimlessly, putting things away, just trying to keep my hands busy.  Every now and then I would ask a question like "What day did it start?", "So it was going on during our date with so and so?", etc.  I felt the need to put the pieces of my life together during the month that the affair was going on.

I stated that we have to go to counseling, and he agreed to go.  So I called to make an appointment, hoping for one right that second.  But the soonest we could get in was in a week.  I was so upset by this.  I know we needed guidance through this mess and a week felt like a year.

I remember blurting out things like "what do you MEAN you fell in love?  You can't fall in love in a matter of FOUR weeks.  It can't really be love.  It had to have just been an infatuation, right? " and he responded "maybe" and I would continue..."WHAT in the world did you talk about all that time that led to you falling in love? What did you talk about????".  He couldn't really answer....religion, politics, etc.   I was dumbfounded.

At this point, my husband was very responsive to me.  He seemed sincerely sorry and that he wanted to be there for me.  He let me ask my questions, even though he appeared frustrated having to answer them.  Especially since he didn't really know how to answer some of them.  He didn't remember EXACTLY which day it started, etc.  And the more questions I asked the more frustrated he got until he blurted out, "I don't know, Elizabeth.  This is really hard, ok!  I know I did a terrible thing.  Do we really have to hash out every detail?"

When he shut me down, I recoiled like a wounded creature.  Looking back, I should have stood my ground and asked him whatever questions I darn well pleased.  But I felt like I couldn't.  And it made me angrier. 

We went around the house like zombies the rest of the day...taking care of the kids/house, etc.  I took a bath and he put the kids to bed.    He suggested I take some IB Profin PMs to sleep and I did.  But I woke up early and just started to cry.  He rubbed my back and said he's sorry. 

I got up and said it might help to just get some things done and keep my mind off of everything.  So he hopped right on that and proceeded to help whip the house into shape and clean out the garage, etc.  Late afternoon he suggested he go pick up some take out Chinese and maybe we can watch a movie later.  I felt good that he wanted to do these things for me and spend time with me. 

But all day I had just been feeling like something doesn't make sense.  How can two people fall in love and not have ANY physical contact, which is what he led me to believe.  I texted HER and asked her to tell me what they did.  She claimed that she cared about my marriage and thinks any details should come from my husband, but she felt for me and because she knew I was probably assuming the worst,  she assured me that it did not even come close to that. 

So right away I called him and said that I KNEW there was something he wasn't telling me and I needed him to tell me or I was going to go to HER and get the answers.  He was quiet for a long time until he finally said, "We kissed twice."  I FREAKED out.  And this new information makes things WAY deeper than it was.  Right away I said that he needs to go in to see our bishop. 

And that is when HE freaked out.  Saying he'll do whatever he feels the need to do and basically it is not my place to say whether he needs to go in to talk to the bishop.  I got so mad I hung up on him. 

He came home and went into a guest room and BROKE DOWN.  He was screaming and crying about how SHE changed his life and how now he knows what love really is and about how horrible I've been and how he stayed with us 95% because of the kids.  This went on for some time. MANY very hurtful things were said and I realized that I did not know this person anymore.  I was so scared.  Scared he was going to leave me. Scared that I didn't want to live without him.  And so I kept my mouth shut from then on out.  He was in an "affair fog" for quite some time...and so I just kept quiet, but kept the house clean and running as normal.  Maybe better than normal.  Until finally, over the next several months, he slowly came out of it and as we work on our marriage, we have come leaps and bounds.  But boy, did that feel like I went through Hell.

In talking about it recently, my husband feels like the whole thing was completely stupid and that I am the person he wants to be with and he is so grateful for the 2nd chance I've given him and that he loves that I'm his wife.  He tells me he doesn't want anyone else and that he is in this to help me heal and to help us get through this.  And so we also continue our counseling.

I've had a lot of trauma, not only from the affair actually happening, but from the way SHE was with me for that month during the affair, AND then on top of it all, having to hear my husband mourn his loss of HER until he came to his senses.  It has been a long road, but things are MUCH better than they were a year ago.  But I am still navigating through the pain, hurt and anger from it all, as you can tell from my most recent posts. :(