My world shattered

Well, I can now say it's been ONE YEAR since my world shattered.

One year since I found out my husband had fallen in love with one of my friends.

One year since my heart was broken into so many pieces that I'm not sure I've gotten them all back yet. 

One year since I felt like I didn't want to live anymore.

 

I don't have the full story of that dreadful day anywhere on here and as it is on my mind, maybe writing it down will help to purge it from my thoughts: 

The affair started with a harmless text.  My husband knew HER because she was in our ward.  Over the few years that we lived here, our families became friends and would often do activities together.  I enjoyed time with just HER for girls nights and my husband was also good friends with her husband.  Our kids got along and would often play together.  My husband and HER both enjoyed running, and so that one thing in common got the talking started.  The only problem is that they both kept their conversations secret from their spouses.  Over a month's time, there were over 4000 texts shared, 8 long phone conversations (40-100 min each), 6 meetings in person, 2 kisses, and they decided that they fell in love. 

During the month that the affair went on, SHE was always contacting me, setting up playdates or inviting my husband and I to do things.  SHE even had the audacity to start planning a couples trip for us.  I thought that SHE just really considered me a good friend.  Boy was I stupid.  I was also noticing that my husband kept picking small fights with me over small things, which gave him an excuse to go for a walk or bike ride or drive.  When it neared the end, I wrote in my journal about how uneasy I was feeling about how he was acting.  I told myself I'd have to follow him the next time he went out.  I even asked him if something else was going on and he would just say no and even hug me and tell me he was sorry to have worried me.  On a separate note, I started getting bugged by HER and all the time we were spending together, but never did it cross my mind that SHE and my husband were sneaking around together.

They knew that things were going too far.  I was noticing something was wrong, and so did HER husband.  SHE said her husband was discovering the truth.  She needed to tell him everything and asked my husband what she should tell him (basically a question of are they leaving their spouses or not) and my husband said "I can't do that to 6 kids".  And so they said goodbye and had no more contact there after.

The day he told me, it was just like any other day.  Did some gardening, ran to the store, etc  I was so happy and excited that day, as we were having people over for a barbeque.

 At 12:40, I got a text from him saying "check your email and then call me".  I checked the computer and there was an email from him with the title "Email seems to be our best form of communication.".  But the email was BLANK.  That was weird.  For some reason I started to get a knot in my stomach. I called him and told him the email was blank.  He said, "What? Are you sure? That's weird.  Well, I'm going to have to just read it to you then".  I FROZE, although I was confused, I knew this couldn't be good.  He began to read:

Elizabeth,

I know I'm a coward for emailing instead of talking to you.  This seems to be our best way to communicate.  But still...you have to know this.

I know why you've been feeling weird about ***.  It's because of me. You were right when you said we were getting too attached.  Over the last month, I've been having deep conversations with *** over text, and a few phone calls. We fell in love and I know that sucks and it's not right...

[PAUSE STORY: At this point, I started screaming "nooooooooo!!!!! no! no! no!" Into the phone]

...This is the reason I've been going for walks and bike rides at weird times... 

[PAUSE STORY: yelling, "no! no! no! I KNEW IT! I KNEW something was wrong! nooooo!!!" (histerical sobbing)]

...to get away to think and to communicate with ***.  I'm so sorry for betraying you like this.  Nothing happened physically between *** and me. 

[PAUSE STORY: I found out later that that was not completely true. They had met up at least 6 times and kissed twice]

It was Monday when we shut it down, and it is over.  She told her husband Monday night.  And I haven't dared to talk to you about it.  I don't have any contact with *** any more.  Part of me wants to keep this from you to keep you from hurting.  Maybe I shouldn't tell you.  But I can't not tell you.  I'm tired of hurting you.  That's all I do, continually throughout our whole marriage.  I'm not a good person. My truth is what hurts you because my truth is crappy.

I love you "Elizabeth", and that will never change.  But I have to stop hurting you.  You're better off without me "Elizabeth".  Nobody is better off with me.  I just can't face hurting you anymore.  I don't know what to do.  You deserve so much more and better than the kind of person I am.

I'm so sorry.  I love you.

 

When he finished, the only sounds were of me sobbing and yelling.  I don't even think I heard the last half of the letter.  All I knew is that my life as I knew it was over.  I couldn't believe that this was happening.  I canceled our barbeque and anything else that I could.

I wrote a long email to HER.  It was a very spur of the moment rant about how could she do this, I thought she was my friend, someone has to move now, this can't work living in the same neighborhood, our kids will never play together again, I'm upset, hurt, angry, etc....I just wanted to punch her and yell at her.

Anyway, when my husband got home, I couldn't even look at him.  I had stopped crying by then and just walked around the house aimlessly, putting things away, just trying to keep my hands busy.  Every now and then I would ask a question like "What day did it start?", "So it was going on during our date with so and so?", etc.  I felt the need to put the pieces of my life together during the month that the affair was going on.

I stated that we have to go to counseling, and he agreed to go.  So I called to make an appointment, hoping for one right that second.  But the soonest we could get in was in a week.  I was so upset by this.  I know we needed guidance through this mess and a week felt like a year.

I remember blurting out things like "what do you MEAN you fell in love?  You can't fall in love in a matter of FOUR weeks.  It can't really be love.  It had to have just been an infatuation, right? " and he responded "maybe" and I would continue..."WHAT in the world did you talk about all that time that led to you falling in love? What did you talk about????".  He couldn't really answer....religion, politics, etc.   I was dumbfounded.

At this point, my husband was very responsive to me.  He seemed sincerely sorry and that he wanted to be there for me.  He let me ask my questions, even though he appeared frustrated having to answer them.  Especially since he didn't really know how to answer some of them.  He didn't remember EXACTLY which day it started, etc.  And the more questions I asked the more frustrated he got until he blurted out, "I don't know, Elizabeth.  This is really hard, ok!  I know I did a terrible thing.  Do we really have to hash out every detail?"

When he shut me down, I recoiled like a wounded creature.  Looking back, I should have stood my ground and asked him whatever questions I darn well pleased.  But I felt like I couldn't.  And it made me angrier. 

We went around the house like zombies the rest of the day...taking care of the kids/house, etc.  I took a bath and he put the kids to bed.    He suggested I take some IB Profin PMs to sleep and I did.  But I woke up early and just started to cry.  He rubbed my back and said he's sorry. 

I got up and said it might help to just get some things done and keep my mind off of everything.  So he hopped right on that and proceeded to help whip the house into shape and clean out the garage, etc.  Late afternoon he suggested he go pick up some take out Chinese and maybe we can watch a movie later.  I felt good that he wanted to do these things for me and spend time with me. 

But all day I had just been feeling like something doesn't make sense.  How can two people fall in love and not have ANY physical contact, which is what he led me to believe.  I texted HER and asked her to tell me what they did.  She claimed that she cared about my marriage and thinks any details should come from my husband, but she felt for me and because she knew I was probably assuming the worst,  she assured me that it did not even come close to that. 

So right away I called him and said that I KNEW there was something he wasn't telling me and I needed him to tell me or I was going to go to HER and get the answers.  He was quiet for a long time until he finally said, "We kissed twice."  I FREAKED out.  And this new information makes things WAY deeper than it was.  Right away I said that he needs to go in to see our bishop. 

And that is when HE freaked out.  Saying he'll do whatever he feels the need to do and basically it is not my place to say whether he needs to go in to talk to the bishop.  I got so mad I hung up on him. 

He came home and went into a guest room and BROKE DOWN.  He was screaming and crying about how SHE changed his life and how now he knows what love really is and about how horrible I've been and how he stayed with us 95% because of the kids.  This went on for some time. MANY very hurtful things were said and I realized that I did not know this person anymore.  I was so scared.  Scared he was going to leave me. Scared that I didn't want to live without him.  And so I kept my mouth shut from then on out.  He was in an "affair fog" for quite some time...and so I just kept quiet, but kept the house clean and running as normal.  Maybe better than normal.  Until finally, over the next several months, he slowly came out of it and as we work on our marriage, we have come leaps and bounds.  But boy, did that feel like I went through Hell.

In talking about it recently, my husband feels like the whole thing was completely stupid and that I am the person he wants to be with and he is so grateful for the 2nd chance I've given him and that he loves that I'm his wife.  He tells me he doesn't want anyone else and that he is in this to help me heal and to help us get through this.  And so we also continue our counseling.

I've had a lot of trauma, not only from the affair actually happening, but from the way SHE was with me for that month during the affair, AND then on top of it all, having to hear my husband mourn his loss of HER until he came to his senses.  It has been a long road, but things are MUCH better than they were a year ago.  But I am still navigating through the pain, hurt and anger from it all, as you can tell from my most recent posts. :(

Crying

Not that anyone is listening, but I'm having a super hard time right now.

Wishing my best friend lived closer so that she could come over and keep me company for a bit.
(or egg the other woman's house or SOMETHING!) 

My husband is out of town tonight and tomorrow marks the one year since the affair. 

Needless to say, I'm a bit of a wreck. 

Not really wanting to be alone, but at the same time, I'm going to be ok. 

 

I just can't seem to quit crying.

All this week, with my husband gone, I have put the kids to bed and start crying

Yes, I try to clean up a bit and so I'm just wandering around the house, a sobbing mess as I try to get things done.

I just can't quit crying

Almost took her cookies....

One year ago today was the day that SHE and my husband ended their affair.  Of course, I didn't know anything about that until 4 days later.  And it ended because HER husband found some of their texts.  And so they knew it had to end.  As far as I knew, my husband went to work that day.  It was a Monday.  And he did.  But he drove all the way back, close to home, around lunchtime to meet with HER to say goodbye.  Apparently they felt they needed to do that in person.  SHE moved in for a goodbye kiss (which totally pisses me off.  You were ending it for F-ing sakes! She just couldn't help herself).  And off they went.  They still communicated throughout the day, staying updated on what HER husband knew, etc. 

 

Meanwhile, in my own little bubble,  I was also communicating with HER because she was supposed to come to our house that night for short meeting, as we were planning for an event coming up.  WHAT????!!!!!!! So there she was....just kissed my husband and proclaimed her love and sadness for ending their affair hours earlier....and she shows up on my door step for this meeting.  Smiling, laughing, and chatting with me and the other ladies that were there in my family room.  My husband even walked in for a bit to say hello.  This whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach.  How could they be so insensitive??  How could they be so stupid!?  They must have just needed to see each other one last time.  Because that WAS the last time they saw each other.  Hope it was worth the trauma I now have of the memories of that night.  

 

The next day, SHE sent an email out, canceling the event that we had just had a meeting for and everyone was shocked! It was happening so soon and so something big must have happened for her to feel like she had to cancel!  I was feeling so bad! I couldn't stop talking about it to my husband, that I was going to make her cookies and take them over.  Or that I was sure it might be that her husband had an affair and I felt so bad for her!! I couldn't stop thinking about it or talking about it.  Little did I know, it got canceled because her husband found everything out that night after the meeting.  And little did I know it was HER that had an affair.  With MY husband!!!!!!!!!!???????????????   WHAT?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

To this day, it is just so hard for me to understand WHY??!!!!  Why did this happen?  HOW???!!!! How could my husband hurt me this way? How could my good friend of 3 years do this to me???!!!!  She was in the relief society presidency for crying out loud!!!! They are supposed to look after the other women in the ward!! Not sneak around with their husbands!!!!

 

Anyway, of course my worrying for her went on for days until finally I think it just added to my husband's guilt.  I can still see his face when I told him I thought her husband had an affair.  A face that I can't really describe, but that is engrained in my memory.  I don't know for sure that he would have ever told me about the affair if the end hadn't unraveled in this way, but I think the guilt was too much and he couldn't keep it in.  As much as I wish I never knew about any of this, I'm SO glad he stopped me before I took her the damn cookies.

A freaky journal entry....

A year ago today my husband picked a fight with me about how I schedule activities.  He was upset that we would be missing the annual ward barbeque to go to the lake with my family.  He claimed he was more upset that I didn't talk to him about it first, because most likely he would also agree that family is more important than the ward barbeque, but he was so upset that he stated he needed to "get out of here" and proceeded to hook his bike up to the back of the van.  I confronted him and asked "Is there something else going on?" I knew that this behavior was not usual for him.  But he told me, "No, there's nothing going on" and I watched him drive away to go on a bike ride. 

Several alarms went off in my body.

#1 He had never picked a fight with me about something so trivial before, and it has been happening a lot the last few weeks
#2 He had never left the family at home and gone on a bike ride on a Sunday
#3 He was gone for longer than his usual bike ride. 

This is the last time I wrote in my journal before finding out about the affair 5 days later and this is what I wrote while he was out on his ride:

"He has been doing things out of the ordinary.  Like just taking off on a walk by himself. One night, with the kids in bed, I suggested I go with, but he insisted it wouldn't be good to leave the kids home alone (even though we have done that several times before to watch a movie with our friends in their basement). Or just today, Sunday, he took off on a bike ride after church.  He stopped to sit at a park he says and was gone almost 2 hours!! Another night he ran to the store to grab some Ibprofin PMs and it took longer than it should have and he explained that he stopped at a park for a bit.

Well, I'm sorry, but past experiences do not help my questioning if he is being honest.  I just have thoughts cross my mind that he is meeting up with someone.  It makes me sick to my stomach and when he takes off like that, all I can think about are these things. 

I think he is stressed out about work, and I hope that is all it is, but seriously I feel like I have to follow him next time he goes out! Blah!!!!! I hate having these feelings!!!!!"

Well, needless to say, I wouldn't have a chance to follow him because they ended it the next day, but I didn't find out until later in the week.  Now I know he was meeting HER that day and found an excuse to get out of the house.  And that he was probably upset about my planning because it meant that he wouldn't have a chance to see HER at the ward barbeque.

Again, I am haunted by those feelings, WISHING so bad that I had followed him on that bike ride and caught him in the act!!! I kick myself over and over for being so SO stupid.  To not see what was really going on.  And despite all those feelings I was having, I never ONCE suspected it was my friend that he might be meeting up with.   I feel so stupid that I tried so hard to push my feelings aside and give him the benefit of the doubt.  That I was trying so hard to TRUST him. Trust that he would never do such a thing. That it most likely was just stress.  

I feel like a fool

And now it is a trigger whenever he says he is going on a bike ride, or on a run.  And I HATE that those are triggers because he feels better all around when he is active and feeling healthy.  So I want him to be able to go and get his exercise. But I HATE that he used that to get away to see HER. 

Haunted

 A year ago today, the other woman watched my kids for me while I went to work.  I wouldn't really call it work, it's more like my hobby.  But I had to leave and she was so nice (sarcasm) to watch my kids for me.  I would be able to come and get them and have a 2 hour break before I had to go back and she was so nice (sarcasm) to invite our family over to dinner because "she wanted me to be able to relax and not stress about cooking for my family".  How NICE (sarcasm) of her! 

 

Well, we get there, and lo and behold, her husband happened to get called out to work.  So there she was sitting at the kitchen table smack in between my husband and I while all our kids played and laughed outside.  We talked about what we might do on our couples trip to St. George in a few weeks and talked and laughed.  The time came that I had to go back to work.  I felt bad pulling the kids away and felt bad that I was leaving my husband alone to take care of the kids and so I let him stay there, but told him to leave in 30 minutes and was very firm about that, as I had uneasy feelings about leaving him there alone with her.  But I was confident he would leave asap.

 

As I drove home from my job, I called to say I was on my way home and found out instead of staying 30 more minutes, he stayed TWO HOURS!  I had a pit in my stomach.  I was angry at first, but it quickly subsided because DUH! Of course nothing happened between them! Why would I even think such a thing.  She was my friend. Why was I being so weird!! 

 

Now that I know what was going on at that time, I feel sick to my stomach about that day.  It was towards the end of their time together, so by that time, they had shared almost 4000 texts, met up over 6 times, shared hundreds of minutes together on the phone, kissed and told each other that they loved each other.

 

I am haunted by our smiles and conversations at that dinner table and for a long while I could not work any more.  Because if I were to be away doing that same kind of work, all I could think about was that night.  And how I felt so happy and content doing something I love, while the husband that I loved was supporting me while I did it. I am haunted by the feelings I had when I found out her husband was not going to be there.  Everything inside me screamed to GET OUT!  But the nice person in me gave them both the trust that nothing would happen. Little did I know, something already WAS happening.

 

 Looking back, I remember feeling like her house was a dirty mess and that the dinner (gross, cheap hot dogs) was sickening, but of course I looked past that because friends don't judge friends.  But no more of those cheap and gross rubbery hot dogs for me.  I'm only going beef hot dogs from here on out!

Forgive me.....

I feel the need to apologize because the next few posts will probably be quite depressing. 

 

As I get closer to the year mark of "finding out", I am haunted by things that were happening a year ago.  The dates are engrained in my mind and I feel the need to tell someone about them. 

 

 But I am afraid my friends are probably tired of me ranting on and on about it and even though my husband would say that he wants to be there for me and wants me to be able to talk about it with him.  Why would he want to hear every detail about his big fat mistake? And why would I want to put him through that when things have been going so well for us in our relationship? 

 

So I just needed to explain that the next few posts will most likely be more of a venting for me. Not caring who reads it or not caring what anyone has to say about it. I just need to get it out.

 

PTSD from an affair?

Below is the criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, if you remove the so called need for the death or serious injury you would find that many people who have been through an affair in their marriage suffer most of the symptoms.

I have highlighted the ones that apply to me.  But this is not news to me that PTSD is something I might suffer from.  I had a counselor point it out to me before researching more about it. One thing that I hope others get from this post is that AN AFFAIR, whether sexual or emotional, or whether it lasted 1 month or 5 years, CAUSES TRAUMA.  It is real.  And I feel the pain as if it were yesterday, even though I am going on a year since finding out.  I feel broken and not sure that I'll ever be fully put back together again. I am sorry for anyone who has gone through an affair and I hope you know you are not alone and that maybe it will help you to know that if you are suffering any of the symptoms below, that it is a real disorder and not that you are going crazy. ;)

A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:
(1) the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.
(2) the person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

B. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways:
(1) recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions.
(2) recurrent distressing dreams of the event. .(occasional for me)
(3) acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated).
(4) intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.
(5) physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
(1) efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
(2) efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma
(3) inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
(4) markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
(5) feeling of detachment or estrangement from others
(6) restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)
(7) sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:
(1) difficulty falling or staying asleep
(2) irritability or outbursts of anger
(3) difficulty concentrating
(4) hypervigilance
(5) exaggerated startle response

E. Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than 1 month.

F. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
Specify if:
Acute: if duration of symptoms is less than 3 months
Chronic: if duration of symptoms is 3 months or more

Specify if:
With Delayed Onset: if onset of symptoms is at least 6 months after the stressor.

Turn to Stone

I felt the need to write today. 

Even though I'm sitting here not sure what I want to write about. 

My last post was quite depressing

which makes sense because I felt quite depressed.

Last week was a hard one also

But I'm feeling better right now

and ok with the decisions I've made

Confident that I can be ok on my own

I'm not feeling terribly inspirational, as I've mentioned before,

but I am listening to this song right now as I write and I like it
Did I mention before that I love music?

I'm sure you can interpret this song in any number of ways

and I'm not going to really attempt to do anything like that here

Nothing  has changed for me in regards to being able to find complete peace until they move, but I'm trying not to think about that right now.

I'm trying to focus on my home responsibilities

I'm trying to focus on the rest of summer before it's over

I'm trying to focus on my marriage

I'm trying to focus on the things I have left that make me feel happy

Here are the lyrics if you are interested:

let's take a better look
beyond a story book
and learn our souls are all we own
before we turn to stone

let's go to sleep with clearer heads
and hearts too big to fit our beds
and maybe we won't feel so alone
before we turn to stone

and if you wait for someone else's hand
you will surely fall down
if you wait for someone else's hand
you'll fall, you'll fall

i know that i am nothing new
theres so much more than me and you
but brother how we must atone
before we turn to stone

Wilted

I know I've been absent from the blog for a while.  Some of the time I've been busy and the rest of the time I've been depressed.  I'm supposed to be able to also write about my depressive days, but it seems no one wants to read a blog post that doesn't have something inspiring to get from it.  And honestly, I don't feel very inspiring lately.  I feel like a wilted flower.

 It's been 11 months since I found out about the affair.  And so that means that the affair was going on at this time a year ago.  Every time I look at a calendar, I am reminded.  So this is a pretty crappy time for me, and that's just the truth.  I don't have any inspiring words for you right now.  Maybe I'll have some when I get out of this funk. 

I know I keep saying this, but they need to move. 

I had someone make a comment on another post about how I shouldn't obsess about them moving because won't their house still be there and still trigger me?

To answer that:

Yes, of course everything will still trigger for a while

BUT

you don't understand the difference I would feel in knowing they are far away from me.

I don't even feel peace in my own home...

For example,

Just yesterday, I heard a knock on the door.

I was not feeling well, and in bed, and all my kids were gone, so I didn't answer

But I was curious who it was

So I peeked out the bedroom window

And it was 2 of the other woman's kids

She knows I can't handle that

And that our kids aren't playing

So what the heck?????

That brought me down pretty low

sobbing

screaming

angry again that I have to feel this way

because of what they did

that it's not fair that I should have to live this way.

And sad that there used to be a time where we had a good friendship with this family

it just sucks so bad.

:(

I should be able to drive into my neighborhood and feel comfort and peace

I should be able to relax in my home and feel safe.

But I don't.

Gardening as Therapy?

No, that's not my yard.
I wish!
It's my dream to have a lush and green yard
But we have a newer house and started the yard from scratch
So it's a lot of hard work and not to mention EXPENSIVE
But we were excited to get our yard started when we moved in
And I have spent a lot of time out there over the last few years

 

When the affair happened, I thought I would never work out there again

Since that's what I was doing the morning I found out about the affair

And I felt so stupid that the affair was going on and I didn't even know it

And there I was in lala land working on my yard, trying to get it to look nice to have people over

All the while my husband was sneaking around with one of my good friends from the ward

I was disgusted

With him, with my friend, with myself

And I couldn't get myself to go out back the rest of the summer and the fall

Especially when I can see HER house when I'm out there.
I wanted to keep all the blinds closed and not even look out there
And I did. For a long time.
It was a huge trigger for me

It sucked.  It still sucks.

 

But somehow I got motivated to get out there and work
Spring came and we've had some BEAUTIFUL weather
And I got the itch to start weeding my flower beds and plant my garden

They say gardening is therapeutic.

Maybe that's true
Scientists say that it reduces stress and calms the nerves
Read about it HERE

I talked my husband into buying more trees and shrubs for our backyard

And I planted them in strategic places to try and block the view of HER house

Lucky for me, our next door neighbors also planted some trees that will help

It might take 5-8 years to really help, but it's a start

 

Now I am the nerd that sits out on her patio and admires her work  LOL

I can really tell I'm getting old when I get excited about TREES!

On the nice evenings I like to sit out there

in a spot where HER house is mostly blocked from view

And enjoy this beautiful weather while we have it

 

Although I still will glance over at HER house and cringe
Every. Time. I'm. Out. There.

I just say a little prayer that they will move
And that my trees will grow FAST

PLEASE!!!! 

We can still do things

 

I finally watched this movie.

Thanks to those that recommended it!

I liked it!

At the end of the movie, this was said:

I like this because I relate to it.

I didn't choose to be in the situation I'm in.

Sure, I could have done some things better,

but I didn't choose for my husband to have an affair.

And I didn't choose for that person to be someone I go to church with.

But it is what it is.

I can choose where I go from here.

It might not be what other people think I should choose

Or it might not even be the best choice for myself

But it is me that does the choosing.

 

And I CAN still do things.

For a while there I felt like my life was over

That I wanted to crawl in a hole and die

And I didn't want to DO anything!

Only just to feel sorry for myself and where my life has ended up.

I still have days like that

BUT

I can still DO things

And I can try to feel okay about them.

 

I can work on my yard and garden so that I can sit out there and enjoy spring and summer before it is gone again!

I can organize my house and get things done that I've always wanted to

I can plan fun things to do with my kids

I can spend more time with family

I can have my hobbies and enjoy them

I can make goals for the future

 

But while I CAN do things, there is plenty that I just CAN'T do

I can't go to the parks I know they met at

I can't get back on facebook

I can't involve myself in activities where she might be also

I can't be happy in this ward until she is gone

 

Yes, there are plenty of can'ts

But there IS comfort in knowing that I can still do things

And I can try really hard to feel okay about them.

So that I can feel some happiness again.

Don't Be In A Hurry

Since finding out about the affair 9 months ago, my life has really slowed down a TON.

That is probably because I dropped everything I was doing.

 I dropped facebook, I dropped friend activities, book club, etc.

And you know what??

I've liked it.

I look at some of my friends that are ALWAYS on the go and it exhausts me. (not that there is anything wrong with that and maybe they just LOVE their life that way and that is fine)

But I used to be that kind of person and I wonder why?

What for?

Why did I need to participate in EVERYTHING that was going on?

I mean, I think certain things are important...mainly where service comes in like watching other people's kids or making someone dinner, etc.

But anyone out there who feels like they can't have a gap in their schedule :

I challenge you to just take ONE WEEK and not schedule anything.

 Spend more quiet time with your kids and with your husband and with yourself.

 Don't get on facebook.

Don't be in a hurry to cross everything off of your to-do list.

Like the song says : Let the world go on without you (because it will).  Enjoy the beautiful weather that we are having and breathe it in. 

It might help to imagine you live on the prairie like Laura Ingles. haha

 

You know my old car needs washing

And the front yard needs a trim

And the telephone keeps ringing

And the bossman knows I know it's him

And the bills ain't gonna pay themselves

Don't matter anyway

'Cause I ain't in no hurry today

Nothing wrong when I know

Cane fishing pole and smell of early spring

Sit down in a fold up easy chair

On a quiet, shady river bank

Let the world go on without me

Wouldn't have it any other wa

y'Cause I ain't in no hurry today

Ain't in no hurry, 

I'd be a fool now to worry

About all those things I can't change

And the time that I borrow can wait till tomorrow

'Cause I ain't in no hurry today

When I must return to the cold, cold ground

Have 'em take their time when they lay their sinner down

Heaven knows that I ain't perfect, ways of little Caine

And I plan to raise a whole lot more before I hear those angels sing

Gonna get by with the Lord

But there'll be hell to pay

But I ain't in no hurry

Ain't in no hurry,

 I'd be a fool now to worry

About all those things I can't change

And the time that I borrow can wait till tomorrow

'Cause I ain't in no hurry, ain't in no hurry, ain't in no hurry today

It takes two to tango

I've been absent for a while.  Between a bout of depression, sick kids,  kids being off track from school, and good weather forcing me to be outside doing yardwork, I guess I just haven't felt much like writing. 

But I was inspired today to talk about something I've learned about marriage. 

 

The sad part is that no matter how hard you are trying to keep your marriage together,  if the other person doesn't want to work, there is nothing you can do about it.  And you get to a point where you need to let it go to be happy again. 

 

If you want your marriage to be a success, then it takes BOTH of you.  It can't be 1 person giving the other their way the entire marriage.  While this may maintain peace in the home, it is not healthy for the person who is doing all the giving in.   That is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

But what IS the definition of a successful marriage?

Opinions might vary on this, but in my opinion it consists of:

 

 BOTH people feel loved, cared for and respected by each other.

 BOTH people are willing to do anything in their power to make each other happy. 

BOTH people are willing to admit their inadequacies and work on them.

BOTH people feel able to tell their partner anything and they will feel accepted and not judged.

 

I could probably come up with more, but this is what came to mind at the moment

I am curious what some of you might add to this list. Please, feel free to share.

 

When my husband and I went to our first counseling session, we each got the following sheet of paper and our counselor asked us to mark our TOP FOUR.  The four that we felt were most important to feeling a connection with our spouse.  What was SO interesting was that we both did not mark one that was the same.  It helped us to realize which items were most important to each other and to focus on those the most.  Because while you may be stellar at providing 8 of those for your spouse, if you are missing the 4 that are most important to THEM, then your connection is not going to be as strong.  But if you can both recognize the things that help your spouse feel connected to you and help to provide those things for them, then I believe your marriage will be a success.   

 

Go ahead and right click and save this to your desktop and you can print it out and give it a try

 

 

To make this most effective, you each need to mark your top four, but then you need to share them with each other and even discuss what those four mean to you.  It takes two to tango.  Hopefully you are both willing to dance together. ;)

Why I Fight For My Marriage

 

It's a question no one wants to think about.

What would YOU do if your husband cheated on you?

As women, I think we'd want to be strong

and kick him to the curb!

Is that being strong?

I suppose in some situations it could be

But in mine, it would have been the easy way out.

 

I'd like to think I'm being strong

by STAYING and FIGHTING for my marriage.

 

For me, I knew the man that cheated on me was not the same man I married

But I BELIEVED he was still in there somewhere

 I chose to give him a second chance

And the time it took to come back to me

I chose to fight for the love I knew we had always had

and to HOPE that we could find it again.

 

It was NOT easy

It was one of the hardest things I've ever done

But I'm so grateful I did.

Because even though a terrible mistake happened,

I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else.

 

I got the above quote from the TV series "Brothers & Sisters"

You can see the full quote below

When I heard it, it really struck a chord with me.

That I wasn't only fighting for ME, or for HIM

But I was fighting for US

I was fighting for our FAMILY

 

So why do I fight for my marriage?

Because it is worth fighting for.

 

 

You Make It Real

The next few posts will revolve a little bit around the TV series "Brothers & Sisters".  It's the latest series that I've finished on Netflix and I LOVE when I find some treasures from watching television.  It makes me feel a little better about watching when I can get something from it. ;)

Anyway, at the end of Season 5, Episode 1, a song started to play and I HAD to find out what it was.  So I wanted to share.  James Morrison's "You Make It Real" There's so much craziness surrounding me,
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me,
You make it real for me

When I'm not sure of my priorities,
When I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
And like holy water washing over me,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak,
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand,
You've got to be the only one who knows just who I am
And you're shining in the distance,
I hope I can make it through
'Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn,
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
'Cause you are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me
You make it real for me