PTSD from an affair?

Below is the criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, if you remove the so called need for the death or serious injury you would find that many people who have been through an affair in their marriage suffer most of the symptoms.

I have highlighted the ones that apply to me.  But this is not news to me that PTSD is something I might suffer from.  I had a counselor point it out to me before researching more about it. One thing that I hope others get from this post is that AN AFFAIR, whether sexual or emotional, or whether it lasted 1 month or 5 years, CAUSES TRAUMA.  It is real.  And I feel the pain as if it were yesterday, even though I am going on a year since finding out.  I feel broken and not sure that I'll ever be fully put back together again. I am sorry for anyone who has gone through an affair and I hope you know you are not alone and that maybe it will help you to know that if you are suffering any of the symptoms below, that it is a real disorder and not that you are going crazy. ;)

A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:
(1) the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.
(2) the person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

B. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways:
(1) recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions.
(2) recurrent distressing dreams of the event. .(occasional for me)
(3) acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated).
(4) intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.
(5) physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
(1) efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
(2) efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma
(3) inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
(4) markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
(5) feeling of detachment or estrangement from others
(6) restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)
(7) sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:
(1) difficulty falling or staying asleep
(2) irritability or outbursts of anger
(3) difficulty concentrating
(4) hypervigilance
(5) exaggerated startle response

E. Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than 1 month.

F. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
Specify if:
Acute: if duration of symptoms is less than 3 months
Chronic: if duration of symptoms is 3 months or more

Specify if:
With Delayed Onset: if onset of symptoms is at least 6 months after the stressor.

Turn to Stone

I felt the need to write today. 

Even though I'm sitting here not sure what I want to write about. 

My last post was quite depressing

which makes sense because I felt quite depressed.

Last week was a hard one also

But I'm feeling better right now

and ok with the decisions I've made

Confident that I can be ok on my own

I'm not feeling terribly inspirational, as I've mentioned before,

but I am listening to this song right now as I write and I like it
Did I mention before that I love music?

I'm sure you can interpret this song in any number of ways

and I'm not going to really attempt to do anything like that here

Nothing  has changed for me in regards to being able to find complete peace until they move, but I'm trying not to think about that right now.

I'm trying to focus on my home responsibilities

I'm trying to focus on the rest of summer before it's over

I'm trying to focus on my marriage

I'm trying to focus on the things I have left that make me feel happy

Here are the lyrics if you are interested:

let's take a better look
beyond a story book
and learn our souls are all we own
before we turn to stone

let's go to sleep with clearer heads
and hearts too big to fit our beds
and maybe we won't feel so alone
before we turn to stone

and if you wait for someone else's hand
you will surely fall down
if you wait for someone else's hand
you'll fall, you'll fall

i know that i am nothing new
theres so much more than me and you
but brother how we must atone
before we turn to stone

Wilted

I know I've been absent from the blog for a while.  Some of the time I've been busy and the rest of the time I've been depressed.  I'm supposed to be able to also write about my depressive days, but it seems no one wants to read a blog post that doesn't have something inspiring to get from it.  And honestly, I don't feel very inspiring lately.  I feel like a wilted flower.

 It's been 11 months since I found out about the affair.  And so that means that the affair was going on at this time a year ago.  Every time I look at a calendar, I am reminded.  So this is a pretty crappy time for me, and that's just the truth.  I don't have any inspiring words for you right now.  Maybe I'll have some when I get out of this funk. 

I know I keep saying this, but they need to move. 

I had someone make a comment on another post about how I shouldn't obsess about them moving because won't their house still be there and still trigger me?

To answer that:

Yes, of course everything will still trigger for a while

BUT

you don't understand the difference I would feel in knowing they are far away from me.

I don't even feel peace in my own home...

For example,

Just yesterday, I heard a knock on the door.

I was not feeling well, and in bed, and all my kids were gone, so I didn't answer

But I was curious who it was

So I peeked out the bedroom window

And it was 2 of the other woman's kids

She knows I can't handle that

And that our kids aren't playing

So what the heck?????

That brought me down pretty low

sobbing

screaming

angry again that I have to feel this way

because of what they did

that it's not fair that I should have to live this way.

And sad that there used to be a time where we had a good friendship with this family

it just sucks so bad.

:(

I should be able to drive into my neighborhood and feel comfort and peace

I should be able to relax in my home and feel safe.

But I don't.

Gardening as Therapy?

No, that's not my yard.
I wish!
It's my dream to have a lush and green yard
But we have a newer house and started the yard from scratch
So it's a lot of hard work and not to mention EXPENSIVE
But we were excited to get our yard started when we moved in
And I have spent a lot of time out there over the last few years

 

When the affair happened, I thought I would never work out there again

Since that's what I was doing the morning I found out about the affair

And I felt so stupid that the affair was going on and I didn't even know it

And there I was in lala land working on my yard, trying to get it to look nice to have people over

All the while my husband was sneaking around with one of my good friends from the ward

I was disgusted

With him, with my friend, with myself

And I couldn't get myself to go out back the rest of the summer and the fall

Especially when I can see HER house when I'm out there.
I wanted to keep all the blinds closed and not even look out there
And I did. For a long time.
It was a huge trigger for me

It sucked.  It still sucks.

 

But somehow I got motivated to get out there and work
Spring came and we've had some BEAUTIFUL weather
And I got the itch to start weeding my flower beds and plant my garden

They say gardening is therapeutic.

Maybe that's true
Scientists say that it reduces stress and calms the nerves
Read about it HERE

I talked my husband into buying more trees and shrubs for our backyard

And I planted them in strategic places to try and block the view of HER house

Lucky for me, our next door neighbors also planted some trees that will help

It might take 5-8 years to really help, but it's a start

 

Now I am the nerd that sits out on her patio and admires her work  LOL

I can really tell I'm getting old when I get excited about TREES!

On the nice evenings I like to sit out there

in a spot where HER house is mostly blocked from view

And enjoy this beautiful weather while we have it

 

Although I still will glance over at HER house and cringe
Every. Time. I'm. Out. There.

I just say a little prayer that they will move
And that my trees will grow FAST

PLEASE!!!! 

We can still do things

 

I finally watched this movie.

Thanks to those that recommended it!

I liked it!

At the end of the movie, this was said:

I like this because I relate to it.

I didn't choose to be in the situation I'm in.

Sure, I could have done some things better,

but I didn't choose for my husband to have an affair.

And I didn't choose for that person to be someone I go to church with.

But it is what it is.

I can choose where I go from here.

It might not be what other people think I should choose

Or it might not even be the best choice for myself

But it is me that does the choosing.

 

And I CAN still do things.

For a while there I felt like my life was over

That I wanted to crawl in a hole and die

And I didn't want to DO anything!

Only just to feel sorry for myself and where my life has ended up.

I still have days like that

BUT

I can still DO things

And I can try to feel okay about them.

 

I can work on my yard and garden so that I can sit out there and enjoy spring and summer before it is gone again!

I can organize my house and get things done that I've always wanted to

I can plan fun things to do with my kids

I can spend more time with family

I can have my hobbies and enjoy them

I can make goals for the future

 

But while I CAN do things, there is plenty that I just CAN'T do

I can't go to the parks I know they met at

I can't get back on facebook

I can't involve myself in activities where she might be also

I can't be happy in this ward until she is gone

 

Yes, there are plenty of can'ts

But there IS comfort in knowing that I can still do things

And I can try really hard to feel okay about them.

So that I can feel some happiness again.

Don't Be In A Hurry

Since finding out about the affair 9 months ago, my life has really slowed down a TON.

That is probably because I dropped everything I was doing.

 I dropped facebook, I dropped friend activities, book club, etc.

And you know what??

I've liked it.

I look at some of my friends that are ALWAYS on the go and it exhausts me. (not that there is anything wrong with that and maybe they just LOVE their life that way and that is fine)

But I used to be that kind of person and I wonder why?

What for?

Why did I need to participate in EVERYTHING that was going on?

I mean, I think certain things are important...mainly where service comes in like watching other people's kids or making someone dinner, etc.

But anyone out there who feels like they can't have a gap in their schedule :

I challenge you to just take ONE WEEK and not schedule anything.

 Spend more quiet time with your kids and with your husband and with yourself.

 Don't get on facebook.

Don't be in a hurry to cross everything off of your to-do list.

Like the song says : Let the world go on without you (because it will).  Enjoy the beautiful weather that we are having and breathe it in. 

It might help to imagine you live on the prairie like Laura Ingles. haha

 

You know my old car needs washing

And the front yard needs a trim

And the telephone keeps ringing

And the bossman knows I know it's him

And the bills ain't gonna pay themselves

Don't matter anyway

'Cause I ain't in no hurry today

Nothing wrong when I know

Cane fishing pole and smell of early spring

Sit down in a fold up easy chair

On a quiet, shady river bank

Let the world go on without me

Wouldn't have it any other wa

y'Cause I ain't in no hurry today

Ain't in no hurry, 

I'd be a fool now to worry

About all those things I can't change

And the time that I borrow can wait till tomorrow

'Cause I ain't in no hurry today

When I must return to the cold, cold ground

Have 'em take their time when they lay their sinner down

Heaven knows that I ain't perfect, ways of little Caine

And I plan to raise a whole lot more before I hear those angels sing

Gonna get by with the Lord

But there'll be hell to pay

But I ain't in no hurry

Ain't in no hurry,

 I'd be a fool now to worry

About all those things I can't change

And the time that I borrow can wait till tomorrow

'Cause I ain't in no hurry, ain't in no hurry, ain't in no hurry today

It takes two to tango

I've been absent for a while.  Between a bout of depression, sick kids,  kids being off track from school, and good weather forcing me to be outside doing yardwork, I guess I just haven't felt much like writing. 

But I was inspired today to talk about something I've learned about marriage. 

 

The sad part is that no matter how hard you are trying to keep your marriage together,  if the other person doesn't want to work, there is nothing you can do about it.  And you get to a point where you need to let it go to be happy again. 

 

If you want your marriage to be a success, then it takes BOTH of you.  It can't be 1 person giving the other their way the entire marriage.  While this may maintain peace in the home, it is not healthy for the person who is doing all the giving in.   That is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

But what IS the definition of a successful marriage?

Opinions might vary on this, but in my opinion it consists of:

 

 BOTH people feel loved, cared for and respected by each other.

 BOTH people are willing to do anything in their power to make each other happy. 

BOTH people are willing to admit their inadequacies and work on them.

BOTH people feel able to tell their partner anything and they will feel accepted and not judged.

 

I could probably come up with more, but this is what came to mind at the moment

I am curious what some of you might add to this list. Please, feel free to share.

 

When my husband and I went to our first counseling session, we each got the following sheet of paper and our counselor asked us to mark our TOP FOUR.  The four that we felt were most important to feeling a connection with our spouse.  What was SO interesting was that we both did not mark one that was the same.  It helped us to realize which items were most important to each other and to focus on those the most.  Because while you may be stellar at providing 8 of those for your spouse, if you are missing the 4 that are most important to THEM, then your connection is not going to be as strong.  But if you can both recognize the things that help your spouse feel connected to you and help to provide those things for them, then I believe your marriage will be a success.   

 

Go ahead and right click and save this to your desktop and you can print it out and give it a try

 

 

To make this most effective, you each need to mark your top four, but then you need to share them with each other and even discuss what those four mean to you.  It takes two to tango.  Hopefully you are both willing to dance together. ;)

Why I Fight For My Marriage

 

It's a question no one wants to think about.

What would YOU do if your husband cheated on you?

As women, I think we'd want to be strong

and kick him to the curb!

Is that being strong?

I suppose in some situations it could be

But in mine, it would have been the easy way out.

 

I'd like to think I'm being strong

by STAYING and FIGHTING for my marriage.

 

For me, I knew the man that cheated on me was not the same man I married

But I BELIEVED he was still in there somewhere

 I chose to give him a second chance

And the time it took to come back to me

I chose to fight for the love I knew we had always had

and to HOPE that we could find it again.

 

It was NOT easy

It was one of the hardest things I've ever done

But I'm so grateful I did.

Because even though a terrible mistake happened,

I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else.

 

I got the above quote from the TV series "Brothers & Sisters"

You can see the full quote below

When I heard it, it really struck a chord with me.

That I wasn't only fighting for ME, or for HIM

But I was fighting for US

I was fighting for our FAMILY

 

So why do I fight for my marriage?

Because it is worth fighting for.

 

 

You Make It Real

The next few posts will revolve a little bit around the TV series "Brothers & Sisters".  It's the latest series that I've finished on Netflix and I LOVE when I find some treasures from watching television.  It makes me feel a little better about watching when I can get something from it. ;)

Anyway, at the end of Season 5, Episode 1, a song started to play and I HAD to find out what it was.  So I wanted to share.  James Morrison's "You Make It Real" There's so much craziness surrounding me,
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me,
You make it real for me

When I'm not sure of my priorities,
When I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
And like holy water washing over me,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak,
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand,
You've got to be the only one who knows just who I am
And you're shining in the distance,
I hope I can make it through
'Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn,
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
'Cause you are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me
You make it real for me

Sweet Chili & Cornbread

Just two days ago it was warm enough to wear shorts

Today it is snowing!

I've got my hot chocolate and electric heated blanket while I blog

It might be a good day to have my favorite sweet chili and warm cornbread for dinner

and I think I'll share these recipes with you

Sweet Chili

1-1.5 lbs ground turkey or ground beef
3/4 of an onion, chopped
2 cans pinto beans
2 cans black beans
1 can tomato paste
2 cans tomato soup (tomato sauce works if you add extra seasonings)
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp chili powder

Cook the meat and chopped onion in a skillet until the meat is cooked all the way through.  While that cooks, you can put the rest of the ingredients in a large pot.  If you like your beans drained and rinsed, then you will need to add 1-2 cups of water to the chili.  When the meat is finished, you can add it to the pot.  Bring to a boil and then turn the heat to low.  Let it simmer for at least 30 minutes before serving.  You are welcome  to add more chili powder for a little more spice with your sweet.

Homemade Cornbread

1 1/4 cups flour
3/4 cup cornmeal
2 tsp baking powder
1/3 cup sugar
3/4 tsp salt
1 1/4 cups milk
1/4 cup shortening or butter, melted
1 egg

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees and grease an 8X8 inch baking dish.  Combine all the dry ingredients in a medium bowl.  Add the milk and egg and shortening.  (butter works as well, but the shortening makes the cornbread a little more moist)  Mix well, but no need to over do it.  Pour the batter in the pan and bake for 25-30 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.  Serve warm with butter!

8 things to help the healing

There comes a time where the storm is over. 

It seems that the worst of it has past. 

In my situation, my husband came to his senses and realized what a mistake the whole affair was.  He remembered how much he loves me and how utterly sorry he is for the pain he's caused. 

I can feel his tenderness again. 

I can feel his love for me. 

I can say that we are going to be ok. 

I can say that there are many moments where I feel that I am happy again. 

 

But it does not mean that I am fixed.

The hurt is still there.

Underneath it all, it still hurts enough that it can make me cry at any random moment of the day. 

What does this mean?

Is there something wrong with me?

Why can't I feel better?

I have been seeing a therapist for the past 8 months.
 I have read article after article online
I have read books
I have gone to classes
It doesn't make me an expert
But I'd like to share what I've learned
All of this can be applied to most kinds of trauma, not just an affair:

 

 1.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU:  Remember to tell yourself that it is normal to feel the way you are feeling.  Anything less than a year from the affair is still considered early.  The recovery process for successful couples is rarely less than two years. For me, we will have many good moments together, but then I might break down the next day.  This is hard for me to understand, but just knowing that is normal helps me avoid deeper depression about what's going on. 

2.  CRY : I'll be laughing one minute and crying the next.  I'll cry when I do the dishes, when I'm driving to the store or when I'm in the shower.  A day doesn't go by that I don't cry.  Since the affair, I cry less and less, so that gives me hope that one day I won't cry about it anymore.  But for now, I am told that crying HELPS the healing and I need to let myself do it.  Bottling it up inside and trying to be strong will only make it worse.

2. TALK :  I need to be able to talk about what I'm feeling and have support.  Hopefully, it should be the ones that are closest to you. Your husband, a best girlfriend, a family member, or all of the above. Emotional connection is crucial to healing. It calms our nervous system and helps us find balance again, psychologically and emotionally. For several months after the affair, I sunk into depression.  It seemed to get better, but even months after, it would get worse.  And I found it was because I didn't feel the emotional closeness with my husband.  We would try to talk, but he couldn't be there for me emotionally.  Mainly because my emotions would stir up his own feelings of guilt and he hated himself for it.  Unfortunately for us, it actually took counseling to solve this.  For a counselor to see how we interacted and to help my husband understand how he could be there for me.  Once that started happening, the depression started to lift.  You won't need to go into counseling if both people are willing to research and learn what it is that they can be doing to help their partner.

3.  REBUILD : It is inevitable that I will be reminded about the past. But why not also dwell on the future?  How do I want my relationship to be NOW? Where do I want it to go?  Talk about how things are different in your marriage NOW as opposed to how they were.  Create things to look forward to.  My husband and I talk about dreams of going on road trips together.  Or even short term plans like hikes and camping trips with the family.  Just anything to give yourselves something to look forward to helps. 

4.  GET OUT : Staying isolated is one of the worst things you can do. I am guilty of this and still struggle with this.  As much as possible, resume your normal activities and routines. Structure can provide feelings of security as you slowly regain your sense of stability.  Having kids certainly helped me with this...I HAD to get out of bed and get them off to school or drive them to their activities or set up play dates.  So that helps.  I still struggle with wanting to do anything with friends.  For me, I've just been starting small.  Going to lunch during the day while my husband is working.  Or resuming contact with friends through social media.  Small is better than nothing, right?

5. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF : Recovery is a process. Even if your pain isn't physical, you still need to give yourself the proper rest, nutrition and exercise.  I also still struggle with this one. At least the exercise part.  I DO know how important it is.  And I have been sure to encourage my husband to keep up with his exercising...it has made a world of difference for his depression.  As far as sleeping goes, I have taken IB Profin PMs every night since the day I found out.  I find that if I don't take them, I can't sleep and if I can't sleep I am up all night reliving the betrayal in my mind.  Sleep is important and I have been told it is ok to take those as long as I need to.

6. REMOVE TRIGGERS : Become aware of your emotional triggers and learn to cope with them creatively. You may have a flashback to your trauma by engaging in a similar activity, going to a similar place, seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting or feeling something that reminds you of the original trauma. The best way to cope is to remove any triggers that you can.  It helped me to explain to my husband what these triggers are so he could also be more sensitive. Another way to cope with this is to recognize that you are experiencing an emotional trigger and engage in positive self-talk (e.g., “This is frightening but I am safe now.”)  I have to admit that I'm not so great with the self-talk, but I know it works for a lot of people.

7. THINK POSITIVE : For every hurting and negative thought you have, tell yourself you need to think of 3 positive ones.  What are you grateful for? What do you love? What are the GOOD things in your relationship?  What are your favorite memories of you and your husband together?  Go outside and feel the sunshine and breath the fresh air.  Say a prayer.  Read your scriptures.  Find an inspirational quote to read. Listen to a song that makes you happy.  This will keep you from dwelling on the hurt and sinking into an endless pit of despair.

8. BE PATIENT:  Healing takes time. Your recovery will have it’s ups and downs. It is what it is and there is no magical cure.  As much as you want it to, it can't be fixed in a day.  So be patient with yourself.

For those that are religious, Christ can heal your heart as well. Good luck to you.

 

Gotta learn that darn cup song!

I know, I'm setting the bar pretty high for this one
Some people want to climb Mount Everest or explore the world
All I can think about is how I've got to learn that darn cup song!
I keep hearing it on the radio and it makes me smile

 I still have yet to see this movie by the way.  Soon, I promise.

The famous scene from the movie:

 

I'm going to learn this, if it's the last thing I do. haha  I think this girl can help me

 

The Best Cleaning Tip. EVER.

Today I looked around my house and wondered how it got so messy. 

Didn't I just clean it yesterday?

It's hard to say.

If I did, I certainly can't tell!

Just as I'm about to say "screw it" and take a nap...

I get a text.

My friend wants to stop by in about an hour

Text her back : no problem! Come on over!

Then I look like a video you might have seen where the footage is sped up to some funny music and the woman is a blur as she cleans her house.

Yep, I was that woman.

And I realized, that THAT is the best cleaning tip ever:

Just invite people over
You're house will be clean in a jif!

 

I'm sorry if you were expecting a magical solution to get out the toughest of stains.  But I saw this Ecard and laughed so hard.  That is me. To a t.  

The Power of Validation : Part 2

Before reading this, it would be helpful if you would read The Power of Validation : Part 1 because it talks about what Validation is and gives some examples of validating statements.  And I want to remind you that even though I talk about it in terms of a marriage relationship, this also relates to your relationships with your children as well. 

For this post I'm going to talk about things that might get in the way of being able to validate someone's feelings. I'm going to start with the things I feel were getting in MY way :

 

#1: I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO VALIDATE : I lacked the specific relationship skills needed to know how to do this.  I have since learned that this was not present in my own home growing up, which put me at a disadvantage. But this is a chance to learn and I promise you, it will be rewarding.

#2. My reactions to his emotions come on so quickly : Anything he was feeling, I immediately felt emotional about them. Either because I might have been thinking that he felt that way because of me, or of something I wasn't doing good enough, etc.  And so then I would find myself being defensive and dismissing his feelings or I would start to cry about it.  It didn't even give him a chance to get his feelings out and turned into him comforting me, instead of the opposite way around.

#3. Most of the time I didn't agree with the reason he was experiencing his feelings : I think deep down I felt like that if I acknowledged his feelings in a caring manner, then it would give the impression that whatever happened was OK. And it certainly was not OK. I would get stuck needing to be "right" instead of letting him have his feelings.

#4. My habit might be to teach and fix the problem : If his feelings were based on a mistake, I was sure to point that out and how he could have done better. That "no wonder he was feeling that way". He wouldn't be feeling that if he would have just made a smart decision in the first place!  I wish I would have understood that I can't fix all his problems, and that only he could be the one to do that.  But just by listening and being there can make a world of difference.
 

Some other reasons that might get in the way are:

-If I validate, I won't be heard (or my pain won't be understood)

-If I validate, it will only enable the destructive behaviors

- If I validate, they will get stuck in complaining about their problem

-If I validate, their emotions will escalate and get out of control

You might be able to relate to some of these more than others, but it will do you some good to look at your relationships and see if you have been able to use validation and if not, what is getting in the way?

I learned the hard way what could happen when my spouse wasn't feeling validated.  He found someone that could do that for him!  He did not go looking for this...in fact, he probably wouldn't even be able to articulate that he was needing that.  But with me, he started to feel like it wasn't ok for him to have his emotions and feelings the way he has them. Or he didn't feel that I loved, accepted or valued him as much if he made a mistake.  I appeared to be so disappointed that it was easier to NOT talk to me than to try anymore. But again, he was just in "that's the way it is" mode.

Have you ever heard your spouse tell you, "I just don't feel like I can talk to you about certain things" or "I should have told you, but I was too embarrassed" or "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me". "I don't feel like you care about what I'm going through".

Was your response like mine in saying things like "Don't be silly! Of course I care about you!" or "There's no reason you should ever feel embarrassed with me!" or " I don't understand why you feel like you can't talk to me! I'm here for you!"   Well, that is not validation.  You need say that it must be so hard to feel that way and that you are so sorry that you've made him feel like he can't come to you. And then you can try to figure out specifically what you are doing that is making him feel this way and try to learn to validate feelings a little better. 

Unfortunately, if this is happening in your marriage, it is most likely happening with your children as well.   And we especially want them to be able to come to us and be able to tell us anything.  So now is the time to learn about how to do this better.  Our relationships depend upon it!!

And to clarify, I don't mean to say that just because you lack certain relationship skills doesn't mean that an affair will most definitely happen.  I am simply sharing what I've learned about myself and my relationship, in hopes that I can help anyone out there. 

Rebuild Yourself

This is one of the quotes that inspired "Reinventing Elizabeth", along with the Untold Story one.

Falling apart SUCKS!!!! 

 Especially when I was feeling so good about who I was and what I was accomplishing. 

I thought I had a great life. 

I thought I had it all. 

But I guess our plan isn't always His plan. 

I've had a hard time accepting that.

But I can at least see that once I'm completely broken, and the pieces are shattered everywhere, it doesn't really make any sense to put myself together the exact same way. 

 It's a chance to fix the things that weren't working and be better. 

So really, I AM TRYING to see this as an opportunity. 

 It is so so very hard, when there is so much pain and hurting clouding my heart. 

But I guess trying is all I can do for now and it is better than nothing.