Feeling crazy like Gatsby

We just recently rented The Great Gatsby.  I read this book in high school, but didn't remember much about it other than I don't think I liked it and thought it was boring.  I really think Baz Lurman brought this book to life on the screen.  He was the director of Moulin Rouge also, and you can tell when you watch.  The styles are similar....eye candy.  LOVED Moulin Rouge. 

 Gatsby said something towards the end of the film that struck me:

"If I can just get back to the start...."

He was obsessed with wiping out the 5 years he had lost with his love Daisy.  But he was not just wanting to start over, he was wanting to pretend those 5 years didn't exist basically.  He kind of seemed like he wasn't right in the head, but I sort of got it.  

How many times have I wished that POOF, all the bad things could be whisked away from my memory and I could be sent back in time to do it all over again.  But do it in a better way of course.  In a way that avoids all the pain and heartache.  So many times I've wished this.  That's all Gatsby wanted.  He just wanted to start over.  

 

Nick Carraway told him: “You can’t repeat the past.”

 

“Can’t repeat the past?” he cried incredulously. “Why of course you can!”

 

And he was dead set on making that happen! haha  Sure, he sounds a little crazy, but that HOPE that you feel from him.  You almost believe him!

 

It's just too bad that he lost everything by being obsessed with this goal. If he had just accepted the past for what it was and let it go, he could have moved forward with the love of his life and lived happily ever after. 

 

So yes, I sometimes feel a little crazy like Gatsby, but I do understand that what is done is done.  It's in the past.  There's no redoing it.  No matter how hard a person tries...the past can't be forgotten. It becomes a part of you. It changes you.  Sometimes for the worse, but hopefully for the better. Accepting this is part of moving on.  It won't make everything better, but it's a start.  

Kill Me Now

I'm sorry, but I must vent on this post today. What happened today is mind blowing.

 

 To help you understand this, let me start by saying that I have been married almost 13 years.  I have a best friend who was there with me through it all and I have waited for her to find the same happiness! It took 13 years, but she did it!!! She got married today!!! We finished all the pictures at the Salt Lake Temple and I said goodbye to her and was SO happy on such a perfect day and I was walking away with a smile on my face. 

 

As I walked past the temple, and looked over at the temple stairs, there SHE was . 
The other woman!!
The woman who has been a thorn in my side ever since the affair
 It looked like her brother had just gotten married and they were doing pictures!!!!!!

 

What the #^%#???? 

 

Mind you, this is 45 minutes from home
And I RARELY see anyone I know from my neighborhood when I'm out
Of all days for me to run into her. 

Kill. Me. Now. 

 

The moment I saw her, it was like a scene from a movie:

 All of a sudden all movement went into slow motion

The smile disappeared from my face

And the world around me came crashing down

Needless to say I basically ran by and found a corner and had a panic attack. 

Took a little while to calm myself down

 

Some of you might be wondering...

"why is she having a panic attack when she runs into her over a year after the affair happened?"

 

Well, first of all, you might have forgotten that it has been a little hard to move on,
WHEN SHE IS STILL IN MY WARD!!!
I'm not sure I know how to make you understand how hard this is.
I would never wish this on another person.

 

Second of all, refer to my post about Post Traumatic Stress

I have this

And it's REALLY hard when I am reminded of anything to do with the affair

And seeing her is the worst for me.

On a positive note,
apparently we found out later that they saw us INSIDE the temple,
as they were going IN to a wedding ceremony
and we were coming OUT
THANK THE HEAVENS that I did not see them at that time
But still....I have NEVER ran into ANYONE from my ward while downtown
much less IN the temple!!
Of all people to run into
I just don't understand

I don't understand why I have to continue to go through this
Why the torment is never ending. 

6 ways to stay TUNED IN to your spouse

I started reading this book, Fall In Love For Life, and I've been excited about it.  I will be sharing more things from this, but one thing she says deals with affairs and also with tuning in to your partner.

 

On having affairs  

"Some people have affairs because they tell themselves that they deserve more attention than they get at home. Or maybe they get annoyed because they feel that all of their needs aren't getting met by their partner. Well, whoever told them that one person could meet their every need? You can actually live quite comfortably without having all of your needs met. Try thinking about it that way; you might be surprised how liberating it is. You are not perfect, and neither is your partner, but you can make a very pleasant life together if you are both serious about providing the love and support that go along with a marriage."

I do believe it's true that we can't be expected to meet EVERY need of our spouse, but we need to remember that as human beings, we NEED TO FEEL LIKE SOMEONE CARES about us.  And I believe that so many affairs could be prevented if both spouses felt like their partner was truly TUNED IN to them.  

Cutie Cooper also says : On tuning in to your partner

"I think the place where good marriages break down is when one or both parties begin to take the other person for granted. And yet it's understandable that this happens. Life is complicated and can be exhausting, so there is always a temptation when you get home to just tune out, because home is one place where you should feel safe enough to let your guard down this way. But there's a difference between relaxing and disengaging, and while relaxing is a healthy way to recharge your psychic and spiritual batteries, disengaging is a drain on you and your relationships. Nothing is more important than that you recognize the difference and stay present for all the people you love."  

I teared up a little when I read that because that is one BIG mistake that I have made over the years.  I would DISENGAGE from my husband without even knowing it.  I thought I was listening, but I wasn't always fully PRESENT. I'm a busy person!

My husband does NOT blame me for his affair, but as we go to therapy we talk about feelings and he has often felt that I don't care about him or anything he has to say or that I'm not interested.  I was flabbergasted!! Of course I CARE and am INTERESTED.  But because I wasn't fully tuning in and engaging, I gave him the impression that I didn't REALLY care. 

 

And all it took was for another woman to pay attention to him and it made him feel good and things went downhill from there. :(

TAKE IT FROM ME:

1.  STOP AND LISTEN : When your partner starts to talk about something, STOP whatever it is you're doing or thinking and LISTEN!  No matter what it is...it could be a joke he read out of the reader's digest.  The point IS that he is talking to you because he wants to connect and while the joke might not seem important, it is important to HIM or he wouldn't be sharing! So LISTEN and ENGAGE!  It's an opportunity to connect with who you love.

2.  EYE CONTACT : From "The Art of Manliness Blog", he says that "eye contact shows attention and creates an intimate bond.  It shows the speaker that you're tuned in to what he's saying and it creates moments where you are really able to feel what he is feeling and it leaves the receiver of your gaze feeling more positive about your interaction and CONNECTED to you".   As we go through therapy, the counselor always makes sure we are looking at each other when trying to convey our feelings. It works!!  You are also less likely to be angry or yell at your spouse if you are sitting across from them looking into their eyes.

3.  BE HONEST : If you get distracted and really can NOT listen, then kindly stop him and let him know you want to hear the rest of it, but to give you a minute or something.  The worst thing I've done is to sort of half listen because I didn't want to be rude and I couldn't stop what I was doing.  But when I would do that, I missed something he said or sometimes couldn't even remember it later! That makes the other person feel like you didn't really care what they had to say.

4.  BE INTERESTED I love how Danielle said it from her blog "Fancy Little Things" : "Get excited about the things they get excited about!  If it isn’t necessarily your ‘cup of tea’, so what!  Try a sip!  You may just like it."  I am telling you, I found this to be true!  After I found out about the affair and I dropped many of the things that were keeping me occupied, all I wanted to do was be with him and it just so happened to be football season, so I sat with him while it was on, even though I didn't really care for it and never have.  He is a huge fan of a certain team and he would tell me about the players and explain the game to me and who would have EVER thought, but I BECAME A FAN TOO! And now I really do enjoy watching.  Do I have to watch EVERY sports game? No, but I enjoy keeping up with the team that he loves. And I love to watch him get excited to tell me about it.  I feel good that he knows he can come to me and I'm interested.

5.  ASK QUESTIONS : Don't always let him be the one to come to you.  Beat him to it and ask him how his day was and then follow all the suggestions above. ;)   Going above and beyond  would be to ask questions about something he's previously talked about...FOLLOW UP on something he was working on the day before or a problem he might have been working through, etc. 

6. GO TO BED AT THE SAME TIME : Ok, so this might be a hard one and it might not be able to be done every night.  But this MUST happen at least a few times a week.  Our days are so busy that realistically there is probably no time to TALK until you are both laying in bed at the end of the day.  It's strange how just laying there together can spark conversation about things you didn't even know you might talk about.  I can't emphasize how important this one is.  Start now!

This might seem like a lot. Just remember that as long as you're making a conscious effort, you'll be just fine.  It also needs to work on both ends.  So if you are the one that feels like your partner doesn't care, you can sit down with them, make eye contact and share your feelings and maybe even share this post. ;) 

 

10 ways to have the Best Date Night

 

The purpose of Date Night is the time to RECONNECT and REDISCOVER each other and leave the demands of the daily schedule behind. 

 

You've probably heard this from me before, but it is impossible stay connected throughout an entire marriage without working for it.  A marriage consists of the cycle of connecting, disconnecting, and reconnecting again.  The disconnection is inevitable.  In fact, the trouble in a marriage (i.e. an affair) doesn't stem from the DISCONNECTION, but when we don't make the effort to RECONNECT when needed! 

 

People often misunderstand that in order to have a good date night, it must be well planned, elaborate or expensive.  While all of these things can contribute to amazing date nights, they are not necessary to having some of the best dates of your life.  You will find that the best date nights don't rely on what you DO on them, as much as what you FEEL from them.  We need to feel CONNECTED to each other.  And when we feel connected we feel happier and more secure in our relationship.  Here are 10 ways you can be sure to connect on date night:

 

1.  Touching.  Let me start by saying that it is not a true date night without touching each other.  Hold hands, touch their back, give their leg a squeeze, lean in for a kiss, the possibilities are endless.

2.  Meaningful Conversation.  Put your phones away and focus on each other!  In a world where texting is becoming the dominant way to communicate, chances for a one on one conversation are more important than ever! If you need help, you can always google conversations starters, like my 50 random questions found HERE.
3. Take turns doing what the other person loves to do.  You may not love going to a sporting event or you might despise the idea of taking a cooking class together, but if you know your spouse would thoroughly enjoy this, then let yourself find out why!!  Not only might you learn something new from your spouse, but they will feel more connected to you, knowing you care about the things they love.
4.  Planning.  I don't mean spending hours working up the perfect date.  But just enough thought into it to make sure you are not falling back on what is easiest and most convenient. It might even be fun taking turns deciding what you're going to do for date night.
5. Touch each other! PS: there are no rules on PDA when you are married. Who cares if it bothers other people, you are trying to connect with your lover!
6. Try new things.  Get out of your comfort zone.  We know you love the rolls at Texas Roadhouse, or that you crave the Tomato Basil Soup at Zupas.  But it's not going to hurt you to go somewhere NEW.  New foods and places not only stimulate new taste buds, but new growth! It may not be a wonderful experience every time, but it will at least give you something to talk about!
7.  Simplify.  No need to be elaborate.  Go out to eat and then stop at a park and play cards on a blanket. Or take the game home in front of the fire with drinks on a chilly evening.  The phrase "go big or go home" does not apply to date night.
8. Did I mention touching? Heck, find a place to park and do it in the back seat.  You'd be surprised what this will do for your connection. ;)
9.  Wake Up!  Yes, we all start to feel older as the years go by. And yes, we might like to be in bed by 9:30pm, but shake it off!  Stop thinking about how tired you are and let yourself feel alive again and have fun! 
10.  Feel the love.  Take a moment to look at your wife or husband and remember what you love about them.  Just a second to REALLY look at them and ENJOY being there with them.  It's easy to become SO comfortable in our relationship that we stop thinking about how truly blessed we are to be with the person we love.  Be thankful and feel free to mention it. Or even better, show them through touch. ;)

"Bottom line is, marriage is HARD"

Let me start by saying I watch a lot of tv and movies on Netflix.  I work on the computer a lot and I used to like to listen to music while I did that, or while I cleaned the house, but now I like to watch shows.  haha  So I kind of watch whatever jumps out at me, or peaks my curiosity. 

I came upon The Kids Are Alright and I was curious about it mainly because I liked all the actors, but also because it had been nominated for an Oscar for best picture and won the Golden Globe for best picture in 2011. 

 

Honestly... I didn't love it.  It was ok, but I probably won't ever watch it again or recommend it.  I give it a 2.5 out of 5 stars. BUT there were a few "moments" that stood out to me that I wanted to share. 

 

One of the main characters had an affair and everyone in the house was upset with her and giving her the cold shoulder and finally when she couldn't take it anymore, she stands in front of her family and says:

 

"Bottom line is, marriage is hard.  It's really freaking hard.  It's just two people sloggin through the crap, year after year, getting older, changing.  It's a freaking marathon, ok? So sometimes, you know, you're together so long, you stop seeing the other person and just see weird projections of your own junk.  Um, instead of talking to each other, you go off the rails and act grubby and make stupid choices.  Which is what I did, and I feel sick about it because I love you guys, and I love your mom, and that's the truth.  Sometimes you hurt the ones you love the most.  I don't know why."

A few things rang true to me in that speech. 

First, that marriage IS hard.  And anyone who says it isn't is either lying or has amnesia. 

Second, it is just a fact that we are all going to change as the years pass.  We learn, we grow, we become different people almost.  Some more than others.  But this is SO important to realize in a marriage because we don't need to be afraid of changes, but we do need to acknowledge and accept them and figure out how to work around them.

Third, when you are with someone for so long, it's easy to get stuck in the same mundane routine day after day and we start to lose sight of what is important in a marriage.  Yes, the mundane routine is probably unavoidable if you are human.  BUT You don't have to only have vanilla ice cream every single day!  While vanilla ice cream MUST be eaten every day, it doesn't mean you can't throw some different toppings on here and there to spice it up a little! Catch my drift? 

Fourth, the WORST thing you can do when the above three things are happening is to keep your thoughts to yourself.  You must TALK to each other!!  Talk about what's hard.  Talk about the changes you are feeling.  Talk about what's missing from your marriage.  Talking will help you to CONNECT again and to make sure that you don't "go off the rails and make stupid choices."

And lastly, stupid choices are probably inevitable for everyone.  Nobody is perfect.  Nobody knows how to be in a perfect marriage.  For some darned reason, we DO hurt the ones we love the most.  You don't know how many times I've asked myself WHY?!!  WHY would we do such things that break our loved ones in two?  We just do.  So the best we can do is pick ourselves up and keep trying.  Learn from the stupid choices and try your hardest to not let it happen again. 

I did like how the movie ended.  The couple decided to stay together and work on what they had.  Hopefully they were able to learn from their stupid choices and continue to love each other and live life to the fullest and find happiness again.  I think that's what we all hope for ourselves, don't you think?

On a positive note

Again, I'm sorry for being so depressing this last while!

And again, no one is probably listening, but I still feel the need to apologize.

 

Now that I got all that out, I felt the need to let you know that we have come a long way in the last year, my husband and I.

 

One year later I feel like he loves me 100%.

One year later I feel like I love him 100%.

One year later I am finding things that make me happy and trying to focus on them.

One year later I am feeling like my husband and I are better friends than we ever have been our entire marriage.
One year later I feel like we have a deep, emotional connection that we've never had before

One year later I feel like I can turn to my husband for comfort and know he will be there for me.

One year later I feel like I am important, that I am needed, that I am loved

One year later I feel like we actually made it through the hell that we went through
One year later I can say that I'm thankful that we have made it through this.

One year later I can say that I will be loved by this man for the rest of eternity.

 

So things may not be all the way better

But there are plenty of things to be thankful for

I was trying to think what kind of picture I would add to this post

and I thought of a sunrise.

As I searched for one I liked

I remembered one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies of all time

Pride and Prejudice

I wanted to share it with you.

I particulary love the music in the first minute or so

while her love is walking towards her

and I love that throughout the scene the sun is rising.

I'm sorry I'm such a nerd, but here is the scene

Thanks for listening  

My world shattered

Well, I can now say it's been ONE YEAR since my world shattered.

One year since I found out my husband had fallen in love with one of my friends.

One year since my heart was broken into so many pieces that I'm not sure I've gotten them all back yet. 

One year since I felt like I didn't want to live anymore.

 

I don't have the full story of that dreadful day anywhere on here and as it is on my mind, maybe writing it down will help to purge it from my thoughts: 

The affair started with a harmless text.  My husband knew HER because she was in our ward.  Over the few years that we lived here, our families became friends and would often do activities together.  I enjoyed time with just HER for girls nights and my husband was also good friends with her husband.  Our kids got along and would often play together.  My husband and HER both enjoyed running, and so that one thing in common got the talking started.  The only problem is that they both kept their conversations secret from their spouses.  Over a month's time, there were over 4000 texts shared, 8 long phone conversations (40-100 min each), 6 meetings in person, 2 kisses, and they decided that they fell in love. 

During the month that the affair went on, SHE was always contacting me, setting up playdates or inviting my husband and I to do things.  SHE even had the audacity to start planning a couples trip for us.  I thought that SHE just really considered me a good friend.  Boy was I stupid.  I was also noticing that my husband kept picking small fights with me over small things, which gave him an excuse to go for a walk or bike ride or drive.  When it neared the end, I wrote in my journal about how uneasy I was feeling about how he was acting.  I told myself I'd have to follow him the next time he went out.  I even asked him if something else was going on and he would just say no and even hug me and tell me he was sorry to have worried me.  On a separate note, I started getting bugged by HER and all the time we were spending together, but never did it cross my mind that SHE and my husband were sneaking around together.

They knew that things were going too far.  I was noticing something was wrong, and so did HER husband.  SHE said her husband was discovering the truth.  She needed to tell him everything and asked my husband what she should tell him (basically a question of are they leaving their spouses or not) and my husband said "I can't do that to 6 kids".  And so they said goodbye and had no more contact there after.

The day he told me, it was just like any other day.  Did some gardening, ran to the store, etc  I was so happy and excited that day, as we were having people over for a barbeque.

 At 12:40, I got a text from him saying "check your email and then call me".  I checked the computer and there was an email from him with the title "Email seems to be our best form of communication.".  But the email was BLANK.  That was weird.  For some reason I started to get a knot in my stomach. I called him and told him the email was blank.  He said, "What? Are you sure? That's weird.  Well, I'm going to have to just read it to you then".  I FROZE, although I was confused, I knew this couldn't be good.  He began to read:

Elizabeth,

I know I'm a coward for emailing instead of talking to you.  This seems to be our best way to communicate.  But still...you have to know this.

I know why you've been feeling weird about ***.  It's because of me. You were right when you said we were getting too attached.  Over the last month, I've been having deep conversations with *** over text, and a few phone calls. We fell in love and I know that sucks and it's not right...

[PAUSE STORY: At this point, I started screaming "nooooooooo!!!!! no! no! no!" Into the phone]

...This is the reason I've been going for walks and bike rides at weird times... 

[PAUSE STORY: yelling, "no! no! no! I KNEW IT! I KNEW something was wrong! nooooo!!!" (histerical sobbing)]

...to get away to think and to communicate with ***.  I'm so sorry for betraying you like this.  Nothing happened physically between *** and me. 

[PAUSE STORY: I found out later that that was not completely true. They had met up at least 6 times and kissed twice]

It was Monday when we shut it down, and it is over.  She told her husband Monday night.  And I haven't dared to talk to you about it.  I don't have any contact with *** any more.  Part of me wants to keep this from you to keep you from hurting.  Maybe I shouldn't tell you.  But I can't not tell you.  I'm tired of hurting you.  That's all I do, continually throughout our whole marriage.  I'm not a good person. My truth is what hurts you because my truth is crappy.

I love you "Elizabeth", and that will never change.  But I have to stop hurting you.  You're better off without me "Elizabeth".  Nobody is better off with me.  I just can't face hurting you anymore.  I don't know what to do.  You deserve so much more and better than the kind of person I am.

I'm so sorry.  I love you.

 

When he finished, the only sounds were of me sobbing and yelling.  I don't even think I heard the last half of the letter.  All I knew is that my life as I knew it was over.  I couldn't believe that this was happening.  I canceled our barbeque and anything else that I could.

I wrote a long email to HER.  It was a very spur of the moment rant about how could she do this, I thought she was my friend, someone has to move now, this can't work living in the same neighborhood, our kids will never play together again, I'm upset, hurt, angry, etc....I just wanted to punch her and yell at her.

Anyway, when my husband got home, I couldn't even look at him.  I had stopped crying by then and just walked around the house aimlessly, putting things away, just trying to keep my hands busy.  Every now and then I would ask a question like "What day did it start?", "So it was going on during our date with so and so?", etc.  I felt the need to put the pieces of my life together during the month that the affair was going on.

I stated that we have to go to counseling, and he agreed to go.  So I called to make an appointment, hoping for one right that second.  But the soonest we could get in was in a week.  I was so upset by this.  I know we needed guidance through this mess and a week felt like a year.

I remember blurting out things like "what do you MEAN you fell in love?  You can't fall in love in a matter of FOUR weeks.  It can't really be love.  It had to have just been an infatuation, right? " and he responded "maybe" and I would continue..."WHAT in the world did you talk about all that time that led to you falling in love? What did you talk about????".  He couldn't really answer....religion, politics, etc.   I was dumbfounded.

At this point, my husband was very responsive to me.  He seemed sincerely sorry and that he wanted to be there for me.  He let me ask my questions, even though he appeared frustrated having to answer them.  Especially since he didn't really know how to answer some of them.  He didn't remember EXACTLY which day it started, etc.  And the more questions I asked the more frustrated he got until he blurted out, "I don't know, Elizabeth.  This is really hard, ok!  I know I did a terrible thing.  Do we really have to hash out every detail?"

When he shut me down, I recoiled like a wounded creature.  Looking back, I should have stood my ground and asked him whatever questions I darn well pleased.  But I felt like I couldn't.  And it made me angrier. 

We went around the house like zombies the rest of the day...taking care of the kids/house, etc.  I took a bath and he put the kids to bed.    He suggested I take some IB Profin PMs to sleep and I did.  But I woke up early and just started to cry.  He rubbed my back and said he's sorry. 

I got up and said it might help to just get some things done and keep my mind off of everything.  So he hopped right on that and proceeded to help whip the house into shape and clean out the garage, etc.  Late afternoon he suggested he go pick up some take out Chinese and maybe we can watch a movie later.  I felt good that he wanted to do these things for me and spend time with me. 

But all day I had just been feeling like something doesn't make sense.  How can two people fall in love and not have ANY physical contact, which is what he led me to believe.  I texted HER and asked her to tell me what they did.  She claimed that she cared about my marriage and thinks any details should come from my husband, but she felt for me and because she knew I was probably assuming the worst,  she assured me that it did not even come close to that. 

So right away I called him and said that I KNEW there was something he wasn't telling me and I needed him to tell me or I was going to go to HER and get the answers.  He was quiet for a long time until he finally said, "We kissed twice."  I FREAKED out.  And this new information makes things WAY deeper than it was.  Right away I said that he needs to go in to see our bishop. 

And that is when HE freaked out.  Saying he'll do whatever he feels the need to do and basically it is not my place to say whether he needs to go in to talk to the bishop.  I got so mad I hung up on him. 

He came home and went into a guest room and BROKE DOWN.  He was screaming and crying about how SHE changed his life and how now he knows what love really is and about how horrible I've been and how he stayed with us 95% because of the kids.  This went on for some time. MANY very hurtful things were said and I realized that I did not know this person anymore.  I was so scared.  Scared he was going to leave me. Scared that I didn't want to live without him.  And so I kept my mouth shut from then on out.  He was in an "affair fog" for quite some time...and so I just kept quiet, but kept the house clean and running as normal.  Maybe better than normal.  Until finally, over the next several months, he slowly came out of it and as we work on our marriage, we have come leaps and bounds.  But boy, did that feel like I went through Hell.

In talking about it recently, my husband feels like the whole thing was completely stupid and that I am the person he wants to be with and he is so grateful for the 2nd chance I've given him and that he loves that I'm his wife.  He tells me he doesn't want anyone else and that he is in this to help me heal and to help us get through this.  And so we also continue our counseling.

I've had a lot of trauma, not only from the affair actually happening, but from the way SHE was with me for that month during the affair, AND then on top of it all, having to hear my husband mourn his loss of HER until he came to his senses.  It has been a long road, but things are MUCH better than they were a year ago.  But I am still navigating through the pain, hurt and anger from it all, as you can tell from my most recent posts. :(

Crying

Not that anyone is listening, but I'm having a super hard time right now.

Wishing my best friend lived closer so that she could come over and keep me company for a bit.
(or egg the other woman's house or SOMETHING!) 

My husband is out of town tonight and tomorrow marks the one year since the affair. 

Needless to say, I'm a bit of a wreck. 

Not really wanting to be alone, but at the same time, I'm going to be ok. 

 

I just can't seem to quit crying.

All this week, with my husband gone, I have put the kids to bed and start crying

Yes, I try to clean up a bit and so I'm just wandering around the house, a sobbing mess as I try to get things done.

I just can't quit crying

Almost took her cookies....

One year ago today was the day that SHE and my husband ended their affair.  Of course, I didn't know anything about that until 4 days later.  And it ended because HER husband found some of their texts.  And so they knew it had to end.  As far as I knew, my husband went to work that day.  It was a Monday.  And he did.  But he drove all the way back, close to home, around lunchtime to meet with HER to say goodbye.  Apparently they felt they needed to do that in person.  SHE moved in for a goodbye kiss (which totally pisses me off.  You were ending it for F-ing sakes! She just couldn't help herself).  And off they went.  They still communicated throughout the day, staying updated on what HER husband knew, etc. 

 

Meanwhile, in my own little bubble,  I was also communicating with HER because she was supposed to come to our house that night for short meeting, as we were planning for an event coming up.  WHAT????!!!!!!! So there she was....just kissed my husband and proclaimed her love and sadness for ending their affair hours earlier....and she shows up on my door step for this meeting.  Smiling, laughing, and chatting with me and the other ladies that were there in my family room.  My husband even walked in for a bit to say hello.  This whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach.  How could they be so insensitive??  How could they be so stupid!?  They must have just needed to see each other one last time.  Because that WAS the last time they saw each other.  Hope it was worth the trauma I now have of the memories of that night.  

 

The next day, SHE sent an email out, canceling the event that we had just had a meeting for and everyone was shocked! It was happening so soon and so something big must have happened for her to feel like she had to cancel!  I was feeling so bad! I couldn't stop talking about it to my husband, that I was going to make her cookies and take them over.  Or that I was sure it might be that her husband had an affair and I felt so bad for her!! I couldn't stop thinking about it or talking about it.  Little did I know, it got canceled because her husband found everything out that night after the meeting.  And little did I know it was HER that had an affair.  With MY husband!!!!!!!!!!???????????????   WHAT?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

To this day, it is just so hard for me to understand WHY??!!!!  Why did this happen?  HOW???!!!! How could my husband hurt me this way? How could my good friend of 3 years do this to me???!!!!  She was in the relief society presidency for crying out loud!!!! They are supposed to look after the other women in the ward!! Not sneak around with their husbands!!!!

 

Anyway, of course my worrying for her went on for days until finally I think it just added to my husband's guilt.  I can still see his face when I told him I thought her husband had an affair.  A face that I can't really describe, but that is engrained in my memory.  I don't know for sure that he would have ever told me about the affair if the end hadn't unraveled in this way, but I think the guilt was too much and he couldn't keep it in.  As much as I wish I never knew about any of this, I'm SO glad he stopped me before I took her the damn cookies.

A freaky journal entry....

A year ago today my husband picked a fight with me about how I schedule activities.  He was upset that we would be missing the annual ward barbeque to go to the lake with my family.  He claimed he was more upset that I didn't talk to him about it first, because most likely he would also agree that family is more important than the ward barbeque, but he was so upset that he stated he needed to "get out of here" and proceeded to hook his bike up to the back of the van.  I confronted him and asked "Is there something else going on?" I knew that this behavior was not usual for him.  But he told me, "No, there's nothing going on" and I watched him drive away to go on a bike ride. 

Several alarms went off in my body.

#1 He had never picked a fight with me about something so trivial before, and it has been happening a lot the last few weeks
#2 He had never left the family at home and gone on a bike ride on a Sunday
#3 He was gone for longer than his usual bike ride. 

This is the last time I wrote in my journal before finding out about the affair 5 days later and this is what I wrote while he was out on his ride:

"He has been doing things out of the ordinary.  Like just taking off on a walk by himself. One night, with the kids in bed, I suggested I go with, but he insisted it wouldn't be good to leave the kids home alone (even though we have done that several times before to watch a movie with our friends in their basement). Or just today, Sunday, he took off on a bike ride after church.  He stopped to sit at a park he says and was gone almost 2 hours!! Another night he ran to the store to grab some Ibprofin PMs and it took longer than it should have and he explained that he stopped at a park for a bit.

Well, I'm sorry, but past experiences do not help my questioning if he is being honest.  I just have thoughts cross my mind that he is meeting up with someone.  It makes me sick to my stomach and when he takes off like that, all I can think about are these things. 

I think he is stressed out about work, and I hope that is all it is, but seriously I feel like I have to follow him next time he goes out! Blah!!!!! I hate having these feelings!!!!!"

Well, needless to say, I wouldn't have a chance to follow him because they ended it the next day, but I didn't find out until later in the week.  Now I know he was meeting HER that day and found an excuse to get out of the house.  And that he was probably upset about my planning because it meant that he wouldn't have a chance to see HER at the ward barbeque.

Again, I am haunted by those feelings, WISHING so bad that I had followed him on that bike ride and caught him in the act!!! I kick myself over and over for being so SO stupid.  To not see what was really going on.  And despite all those feelings I was having, I never ONCE suspected it was my friend that he might be meeting up with.   I feel so stupid that I tried so hard to push my feelings aside and give him the benefit of the doubt.  That I was trying so hard to TRUST him. Trust that he would never do such a thing. That it most likely was just stress.  

I feel like a fool

And now it is a trigger whenever he says he is going on a bike ride, or on a run.  And I HATE that those are triggers because he feels better all around when he is active and feeling healthy.  So I want him to be able to go and get his exercise. But I HATE that he used that to get away to see HER. 

Haunted

 A year ago today, the other woman watched my kids for me while I went to work.  I wouldn't really call it work, it's more like my hobby.  But I had to leave and she was so nice (sarcasm) to watch my kids for me.  I would be able to come and get them and have a 2 hour break before I had to go back and she was so nice (sarcasm) to invite our family over to dinner because "she wanted me to be able to relax and not stress about cooking for my family".  How NICE (sarcasm) of her! 

 

Well, we get there, and lo and behold, her husband happened to get called out to work.  So there she was sitting at the kitchen table smack in between my husband and I while all our kids played and laughed outside.  We talked about what we might do on our couples trip to St. George in a few weeks and talked and laughed.  The time came that I had to go back to work.  I felt bad pulling the kids away and felt bad that I was leaving my husband alone to take care of the kids and so I let him stay there, but told him to leave in 30 minutes and was very firm about that, as I had uneasy feelings about leaving him there alone with her.  But I was confident he would leave asap.

 

As I drove home from my job, I called to say I was on my way home and found out instead of staying 30 more minutes, he stayed TWO HOURS!  I had a pit in my stomach.  I was angry at first, but it quickly subsided because DUH! Of course nothing happened between them! Why would I even think such a thing.  She was my friend. Why was I being so weird!! 

 

Now that I know what was going on at that time, I feel sick to my stomach about that day.  It was towards the end of their time together, so by that time, they had shared almost 4000 texts, met up over 6 times, shared hundreds of minutes together on the phone, kissed and told each other that they loved each other.

 

I am haunted by our smiles and conversations at that dinner table and for a long while I could not work any more.  Because if I were to be away doing that same kind of work, all I could think about was that night.  And how I felt so happy and content doing something I love, while the husband that I loved was supporting me while I did it. I am haunted by the feelings I had when I found out her husband was not going to be there.  Everything inside me screamed to GET OUT!  But the nice person in me gave them both the trust that nothing would happen. Little did I know, something already WAS happening.

 

 Looking back, I remember feeling like her house was a dirty mess and that the dinner (gross, cheap hot dogs) was sickening, but of course I looked past that because friends don't judge friends.  But no more of those cheap and gross rubbery hot dogs for me.  I'm only going beef hot dogs from here on out!

Forgive me.....

I feel the need to apologize because the next few posts will probably be quite depressing. 

 

As I get closer to the year mark of "finding out", I am haunted by things that were happening a year ago.  The dates are engrained in my mind and I feel the need to tell someone about them. 

 

 But I am afraid my friends are probably tired of me ranting on and on about it and even though my husband would say that he wants to be there for me and wants me to be able to talk about it with him.  Why would he want to hear every detail about his big fat mistake? And why would I want to put him through that when things have been going so well for us in our relationship? 

 

So I just needed to explain that the next few posts will most likely be more of a venting for me. Not caring who reads it or not caring what anyone has to say about it. I just need to get it out.

 

PTSD from an affair?

Below is the criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, if you remove the so called need for the death or serious injury you would find that many people who have been through an affair in their marriage suffer most of the symptoms.

I have highlighted the ones that apply to me.  But this is not news to me that PTSD is something I might suffer from.  I had a counselor point it out to me before researching more about it. One thing that I hope others get from this post is that AN AFFAIR, whether sexual or emotional, or whether it lasted 1 month or 5 years, CAUSES TRAUMA.  It is real.  And I feel the pain as if it were yesterday, even though I am going on a year since finding out.  I feel broken and not sure that I'll ever be fully put back together again. I am sorry for anyone who has gone through an affair and I hope you know you are not alone and that maybe it will help you to know that if you are suffering any of the symptoms below, that it is a real disorder and not that you are going crazy. ;)

A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:
(1) the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.
(2) the person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

B. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways:
(1) recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions.
(2) recurrent distressing dreams of the event. .(occasional for me)
(3) acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated).
(4) intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.
(5) physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
(1) efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
(2) efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma
(3) inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
(4) markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
(5) feeling of detachment or estrangement from others
(6) restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)
(7) sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:
(1) difficulty falling or staying asleep
(2) irritability or outbursts of anger
(3) difficulty concentrating
(4) hypervigilance
(5) exaggerated startle response

E. Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than 1 month.

F. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
Specify if:
Acute: if duration of symptoms is less than 3 months
Chronic: if duration of symptoms is 3 months or more

Specify if:
With Delayed Onset: if onset of symptoms is at least 6 months after the stressor.

Turn to Stone

I felt the need to write today. 

Even though I'm sitting here not sure what I want to write about. 

My last post was quite depressing

which makes sense because I felt quite depressed.

Last week was a hard one also

But I'm feeling better right now

and ok with the decisions I've made

Confident that I can be ok on my own

I'm not feeling terribly inspirational, as I've mentioned before,

but I am listening to this song right now as I write and I like it
Did I mention before that I love music?

I'm sure you can interpret this song in any number of ways

and I'm not going to really attempt to do anything like that here

Nothing  has changed for me in regards to being able to find complete peace until they move, but I'm trying not to think about that right now.

I'm trying to focus on my home responsibilities

I'm trying to focus on the rest of summer before it's over

I'm trying to focus on my marriage

I'm trying to focus on the things I have left that make me feel happy

Here are the lyrics if you are interested:

let's take a better look
beyond a story book
and learn our souls are all we own
before we turn to stone

let's go to sleep with clearer heads
and hearts too big to fit our beds
and maybe we won't feel so alone
before we turn to stone

and if you wait for someone else's hand
you will surely fall down
if you wait for someone else's hand
you'll fall, you'll fall

i know that i am nothing new
theres so much more than me and you
but brother how we must atone
before we turn to stone

Wilted

I know I've been absent from the blog for a while.  Some of the time I've been busy and the rest of the time I've been depressed.  I'm supposed to be able to also write about my depressive days, but it seems no one wants to read a blog post that doesn't have something inspiring to get from it.  And honestly, I don't feel very inspiring lately.  I feel like a wilted flower.

 It's been 11 months since I found out about the affair.  And so that means that the affair was going on at this time a year ago.  Every time I look at a calendar, I am reminded.  So this is a pretty crappy time for me, and that's just the truth.  I don't have any inspiring words for you right now.  Maybe I'll have some when I get out of this funk. 

I know I keep saying this, but they need to move. 

I had someone make a comment on another post about how I shouldn't obsess about them moving because won't their house still be there and still trigger me?

To answer that:

Yes, of course everything will still trigger for a while

BUT

you don't understand the difference I would feel in knowing they are far away from me.

I don't even feel peace in my own home...

For example,

Just yesterday, I heard a knock on the door.

I was not feeling well, and in bed, and all my kids were gone, so I didn't answer

But I was curious who it was

So I peeked out the bedroom window

And it was 2 of the other woman's kids

She knows I can't handle that

And that our kids aren't playing

So what the heck?????

That brought me down pretty low

sobbing

screaming

angry again that I have to feel this way

because of what they did

that it's not fair that I should have to live this way.

And sad that there used to be a time where we had a good friendship with this family

it just sucks so bad.

:(

I should be able to drive into my neighborhood and feel comfort and peace

I should be able to relax in my home and feel safe.

But I don't.